Rick Perry: The Man Who Knew Too Little

Over the Cuckoo's Nest:
Your 2012 Republican Nominees



“The people of the town are strange
And they're proud of where they came” - Doobie Brothers


His poll numbers are dropping faster than the SAT scores at an all-Tea Party high school, and so before he joins the ever-burgeoning ranks of once promising front-runners; now irrelevant, future Fox News contributor, Republican Presidential candidates, “… and several butcher’s aprons" examines Texas governor, Rick Perry.

“He’s like Bush only without the brains,” - an anonymous, fellow Republican governor. There’s a statement to send chills up the spine - like George W. Bush, but lacking his stunningly mediocre intellectual capacities and curiosities - that’s like saying the next governor of New Jersey would be like Chris Christie only without the six pack, or a future governor of Alaska, like Sarah Palin but sans her devotion and dedication to duty. However, if one is to question the intelligence and cerebral capabilities of Governor Perry, it requires more than just snide similes and unsubstantiated allusions - in the name of accuracy and evenhandedness, it demands actual facts and figures, and when applicable and attainable, even words from the man himself.
We here at “…and several butcher’s aprons” have never and will never post anything stated as fact that has not been researched and can not be verified as such; and beyond that, never let it be said that we will not make every possible effort, no matter the difficulty, risk of personal injury or even chance of incarceration, to obtain needed relevant and vital information. With that creed in mind, we rounded up the old Impossible Mission Force - the strong man, the electronics expert, the master of disguise and, of course, Cinnamon, the femme fatale - and at great personal expense, sent them to Texas A&M University for a daring and dangerous records robbery in an attempt to secure a copy of Rick Perry’s college transcript. Upon failure of said task and tragic, but required, cyanide pill ingestion, it was discovered that one merely need search on Yahoo Images and dozens of jpegs of Perry’s college career are there free for the taking and easy to download and save - all thanks to Al Gore and his fantastical internet machine. So, here for your amusement and leisurely personal perusal we proudly present, Governor Rick Perry’s Texas A&M college transcript.



As you can see for yourself, young Ricky Perry received a total of 2 “A’s,” out of 59 total letter grades during his 4 years at university. Again, the man who would like to lead the most powerful, consequential and complex nation, government and economy on the planet and who, in doing so, would become the most influential single individual in the world, managed to eke out 2 “A’s” out of 59 grades. This was a student who warranted more “C’s than Beanie and Cecil and earned more “D’s” than a Hollywood plastic surgeon. Recalled a Perry classmate in an interview with the Huffington Post, “A&M wasn't exactly Harvard on the Brazos River. This was not the brightest guy around. We always kind of laughed. He was always kind of a joke.” So, If ignorance is bliss, it appears that Rick Perry is a 4 year old with a brand new puppy, John Boehner with a fresh crate of Coppertone or Marcus Bachmann at a live “Glee” concert - and shouldn’t we really shoot for more than adequate, middling and just getting by when selecting the Commander in Chief of the greatest country the world has ever known?

Like all good Conservative’s Rick Perry is pro-life - unless you’re actually alive that is, and then he’s overseeing more lethal injections than a roadie at a Sex Pistols reunion tour. He‘s the Louis the 16th of the electric chair, the Annie Oakley of the firing squad, the Pat Sajak of the hangman’s noose. Rick “the Executioner” Perry is responsible for the executions of 234 people, among them, juveniles and the mentally disabled. Perry loves executing people like George W. Bush loved…. well, executing people - it seems to be a great Lone Star State tradition handed down from faux-Cowboy governor to faux-Cowboy governor. Perry’s also a very religious man, he’s held big prayer rallies (non-Protestants need not apply,) encouraged his fellow Texans to pray for rain during dry spells, yet Commandment number 6, “thou shalt not kill” has somehow missed his notice. Benjamin Franklin famously stated, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” well Dubya and Executioner Rick have adapted and updated that classic quote to, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death in Texas.” (Thank you, Chico Marx.) And speaking of the cowboy image shared and beloved by Bush and Perry, I believe as a nation it’s high time we mature passed this western, John Wayne cowboy, movie-hero, fictional character fixation. Bush and Reagan already played that B-movie role in the White House, do we really need a repeat performance? Can we stop elevating grown-up, macho little boys, holding them up as some sort of ideal and electing them to lead us? They’re not Butch and Sundance, they’re frat boys in Stetson hats and Dingo boots. I can buy those too, and in the heart of Manhattan, and that doesn’t mean I’m dueling at high noon, punchin’ little dogies and bedding dance hall girls (well, maybe I’m doing just that one.) We don’t have candidates running as genies or pirates, why cowboys?

Before sharing the sage declarations of the unlikely future leader of the free world, just a few more pertinent points -

Rick Perry, who’s running against the federal government as an almost evil entity, whose main stated objective is to make that government inconsequential in people’s lives, (standby for hypocrisy) accepted 17 billion dollars of that vile, heinous, Socialist Obama’s stimulus money, as well as a $1,000,000 federal government health reform grant from (shudder) “Obama-care,” and personally received $72,687 in federal farm subsidies between 1987 and 1989. It’s that influx of stimulus money from the big bad, enemy of the people federal government that played a large role in Texas’ economic solvency. Those funds were essential to balance the state budget that he boasts so proudly of doing.

Perry has said, and repeated frequently, that the stimulus package created zero jobs. The non-partisan congressional budget office counters that falsehood with the fact that, in reality, it saved or generated 1.6 million jobs. Even a “D” student should have the math acuity to sense a difference between those two figures. Repeat a lie often, and it’s still a lie.

Rick “Jefferson Davis” Perry, a man who loves the United States so much that he wishes to lead it on to better days, has threatened Texas secession from the Union - multiple times. And this from a candidate who called Ben Bernanke treasonous?

Governor Perry has enjoyed a long, no doubt, loving marriage, but his mistress and true soul-mate is Big Oil - for passionate Perry has made many a generous and ardent overture to that tempting Texas Tea. All wrapped up in a silver bow and a box from Tiffany’s he’s adoringly offered, among other things, ending all regulations on fracking and CO2 emissions, while disallowing any further regulating; allowing drilling on environmentally sensitive lands; slashing the EPA budget by 60%; and repealing tax incentives for the development of renewable energy while increasing tax subsidies to the oil companies. Now that's true infatuation.

And finally as sensitive and tasteless as this is, it must be mentioned that, since the 1980’s, the Perry family has leased a hunting ranch that goes by the name of “Niggerhead.” I assume no further commentary is necessary on this subject.

As always, in these Over the Cuckoos Nest political profiles, it’s the shrewd, astute and perceptive words of wisdom from the subjects themselves that best tell the tale and carry the day. Looking for ludicrous, embarrassing or obtuse Rick Perry quotes is akin to looking for condoms in a Kardashian’s nightstand or forged prescriptions in Rush Limbaugh’s desk - not quite the challenging search for the Holy Grail.

"Juarez is reported to be the most dangerous city in America." – referring to a city in Mexico

“When you have a clearly open homosexual scout leader, the scouts are going to talk about it. And they're not there to learn about that. They're there to learn about what it means to be loyal and trustworthy and thrifty.”

“Scouting ought to be about building character, not about sex. Period. Precious few parents enroll their boys in the Scouts to get a crash course in sexual orientation.”

"George W. Bush did a incredible job in the presidency." – the almost 4500 American soldiers and more than 110,000 Iraqi citizens lost in the Iraqi War might have an issue with that also, that is not a typo, he said “a incredible job…”

“It's a theory that's out there. It's got some gaps in it. In Texas we teach both Creationism and evolution." –Rick Perry, in response to a child who asked him if he believed in evolution

"From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented." —Rick Perry, on the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico

"Texas is a unique place. When we came in the union in 1845, one of the issues was that we would be able to leave if we decided to do that. You know, my hope is that America and Washington in particular pays attention. We've got a great union. There is absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what may come out of that?”

"If this guy prints more money between now and the election. I don't know what y’all would do to him in Iowa, but we -- we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in American history is almost treacherous -- or treasonous in my opinion." - threatening the life of the head of the Federal Reserve

“Young Hispanics in Texas can aspire to be the next Rolando Pablos, the chairman of the Texas racing commission; maybe the next Roberto de Hoyos, who heads our economic development shop; and one of my favorites, the head of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission Jose Cuevas. Is that awesome? That is the right job for that man." –Rick Perry, bombing with a joke about Jose Cuervo tequila while speaking before a Latino convention

“I think in America from time to time we have to go through some difficult times — and I think we’re going through those difficult economic times for a purpose, to bring us back to those Biblical principles of you know, you don't spend all the money. You work hard for those six years and you put up that seventh year in the warehouse to take you through the hard times. And not spending all of our money. Not asking for Pharaoh to give everything to everybody and to take care of folks because at the end of the day, it's slavery. We become slaves to government.”

“If you don’t support the death penalty and citizens packing a pistol, don’t come to Texas.”

And now we stay in Texas as the Doobie Brothers perform a song with a legendary, and instantly recognizable, opening riff - “China Grove.”