Sunday, August 14, 2016

Presidential Envy – Sizing Up Trump’s Place in History

 “When I was a little bitty boy,
My Grandmother bought me a cute little toy,
Silver bells hanging on a string,
She told me it was my Ding-a-ling”- 
Chuck Berry

Today we return to the glorious yesteryears of this current Presidential campaign, to a time thousands of Trump gaffes ago - before assassination recommendations, Gold Star Family prize fights or treasonous alliances with Putin and the Russian mob;  to a much simpler, sillier era, when we naively believed that bragging about the girth and length of his (how shall I tactfully state this) John Thomas, in front of an audience of millions in the midst of a GOP candidate’s debate, would be sufficient evidence that Trump was unqualified emotionally, psychologically and developmentally for his name to even be set in newspaper type alongside the phrase “Commander in Chief.” Little could we innocents conceive, perceive or imagine the nonstop barrage of insanity that was yet to come.

Far be it for this pinko, Liberal blog page to suddenly join the ranks of apologists for Donald J., the worst, most unfit, mentally unstable and sexually criminal candidate for office in any district, county, city, state, country or nation-state since the dawn of mankind;  including dog catcher, urine cake replacer or ancient Roman vomitorium rinser (although, honestly, I doubt those last two are genuinely elected positions) but when your crack staff of researchers, interns, barristers, baristas, mixologists and masseuses burn the midnight oil (or body oil, in the case of the masseuses) and turn up relevant, inexpungable evidence, counter or not to pre-established political leanings and opinions, the truth, as unpleasant and ugly as it may be, must be reported.  So, while any rational being would be wise in assuming that Trump’s self-reverential allusion to, and glorification of, his genitalia would be unheard of and unique in American presidential lore, (here comes the exaggerated and obvious comic setup) the aforementioned investigation has proven that such is not the case. Yes, many previous occupants of the Oval Office have mentioned their manhood, (should I begin shameful apologies yet) and as a respected and responsible reporter of Americana, I would be remiss in not presenting these historical facts (and when I say "facts" I have my fingers crossed behind my back.)


“Look at these hands. Are these small hands? If they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem, I guarantee you.” – Donald Trump: Unbelievably, an actual United States Presidential Nominee 
(Blog author editorial commentary, “Eeeewwww!”)

We shall commence this extremely enlightening and educational entry with a handful of genuine, unedited quotes containing, now obvious, organ-esque references that history has somehow forever been misinterpreting. Thankfully, Trump’s improper presidential posture now shines a dimmed scarlet light on some more risqué readings.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” – Teddy "Barry White" Roosevelt (come on, how did we miss that one?)

“We do things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.” – John F. Kennedy (mea culpa to all of the many generations of Kennedys, Smiths and Shrivers)

 “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.” – Thomas Jefferson (always the wishful thinker)

“There are some people, you know, they think the way to be a big man is to shout and stomp and raise hell-and then nothing ever really happens. I'm not like that I never shoot blanks.” -  Richard M. Nixon (proudly potent!)

“Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.” - Abraham Lincoln (from the pre-presidential, little-known publication, “Abe and Mary’s Steps to a Satisfying Sex Life.”)

As this is, and shall always remain, a blog free of gutter language, to be enjoyed and shared by all family members, the section to follow will have certain words edited out and replaced with a blank space to be filled only by your vivid imaginations.

“And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your ____ can do for you, ask what you can do for your ____” – John F. Kennedy

“Ich bin ein Bratwurst.” – John F. Kennedy (re: prior mea culpa – ditto)

“My concern today is not with the length of a person's _____but with his conduct.” - Richard M. Nixon

“I am not a ____.” – Richard M. Nixon

“When you reach the end of your _____, tie a knot in it and hang on.” - Franklin D. Roosevelt

“Four score and seven inches ago…” – Abraham Lincoln (rightfully rejected Gettysburg Address first draft)

“And in the end it’s not the ____ in your life that count, but the life in your _____.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Read my ____. No new taxes.” – George H.W. Bush

“_____ are stubborn things.” – John Adams

“I think when you spread the _____around it's good for everybody.” - Barack Obama

“I found this _____, doubled, wrapped in a big bow waiting for me as I stepped into the Oval Office.” - Barack Obama

And finally, although not presidential but equally memorable in nature –

“That’s one small _____ for man, one giant _____ for mankind.” – Neil Armstrong (the bona fide, original statement as he was lightheaded from space travel - later modified by NASA for posterity)

Please remember, what you just patiently suffered through was more than just an attempt at childish, sophomoric, dumb, easy, cheap laughs, but rather intelligent and sophisticated satire, artfully and cleverly hidden in the form of puerile and immature, junior high school penis jokes to purposely demonstrate just how ludicrous, embarrassing and shameful Trump’s comportment has been. Now, please repeat that idea enough times until such repetition tricks you into exhausted belief.

We conclude, and continue with the classy, cultured, and oh so erudite tenor and tone of today’s blog, with the last hit and worst song ever recorded by the legendary Chuck Berry, “My Ding-a-Ling.”

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Trump’s Heart of Darkness – the Right’s Favorite Sexual Predator

“Don't need reason
Don't need rhyme
Ain't nothin' that I'd rather do.
Goin' down
Party time
My friends are gonna be there too
I'm on the highway to Hell.” – AC/DC

“Yeah, she’s (Ivanka) really something, and what a beauty, that one. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father . . . ” – Donald Trump

Well, it’s time to share the distressing and doleful, real-life drama of a deeply disturbed sociopath, whose hateful words and deeds, and criminal sexual deviance toward his own daughter and an underage girl, have won the hearts and minds of Christian Conservatives and Evangelicals throughout our land. In the multiple-millennia old tome from which they gather guidance, written not by any god, but by uneducated, highly-superstitious men for political and societal gain in a period prior to scientific discovery, domination of women, even to the point of violence, as well as incest, are not only deemed acceptable behaviors, but considered common practice.  And Donald J. Trump, as sick a homosapien as one is likely to discover, apparently fulfills the long-awaited needs of too many of these faithful Bible thumpers.

“[Ivanka posing for Playboy] would be really disappointing — not really… she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” – Donald Trump

If some readers find this dissertation to be derogatory, disrespectful or insulting in tone or content, I can but say that their active participation in support of this despicable and depraved degenerate in the destruction of the greatest republic the world has ever known is far, far more than insulting, offensive and repulsive. And willful ignorance is no justification for their treacherous and malicious actions and conduct.

The 24 hour news channels, always desperate for fresh fodder, have steadfastly refused to report this story and instead continue to promote and support Trump’s candidacy, complicit and culpable in its longevity and success - a bargain with Beelzebub to barter integrity, honesty and legitimacy in exchange for licentious ratings and heightened notoriety.

The rapist company he keeps
Although, just one of millions of unimportant blogs, I truly hope that somehow, someday, someway, this makes it in front of Trump’s beady little evil eyes, and joins the ever-expanding ranks of the thousands of lawsuits he’s involved in, with the sincere hopes that doing so will puncture the protective, loving embrace of the mass media and help spread the story of this previously hidden horror.

Let this ally of Abaddon summon his cache of million dollar lawyers from the pits of Perdition, while I defend decency with some cheap, shady, ambulance-chasing firm from daytime, local TV commercials - sing along with me “Cellino and Barnes injury attorney’s 1-800-888-8888” (this has not been a paid endorsement) and let truth and justice emerge victorious.

“Don’t you think my daughter’s (Ivanka, then 16) hot? She’s hot, right?" - Donald Trump

The Lawsuit and Accusations the Fawning Media Refuses to Report
“Jane Doe,” a thirteen year old, attended parties at the home of, now convicted and incarcerated, sex-offender and close Trump friend, Donald Epstein, with the promise of possible modeling jobs. In 1994, Doe alleges four separate incidents of forcible rape by Trump, the fourth being particularly vicious and violent, described by her as a “savage sexual attack.”  The GOP standard bearer strapped her to a bed, struck her repeatedly in the face, and assured her that should she consider divulging his dark deeds, she and her family would be “physically harmed if not killed.” From a filed court document – “Defendant Trump stated that I shouldn’t ever say anything if I didn’t want to disappear like Maria, a 12-year-old female that was forced to be involved in the third incident with Defendant Trump and that I had not seen since that third incident, and that he was capable of having my whole family killed.”

Unusual in such cases, is a second document from a witness, at the time an employee of Epstein, who corroborates Trump’s ferocious and brutal onslaught -  I am coming forward to swear to the truthfulness of the physical and sexual abuse that I personally witnessed of minor females at the hands of Mr. Trump and Mr. Epstein . . . I swear to these facts under the penalty for perjury even though I fully understand that the life of myself and my family is now in grave danger.”

When Trump is finally freed from his Earthly shackles and heads toward the fiery and flaming domain for which he is destined (and as an Atheist, I don’t even believe in Hell, but for him, I’ll make an exception) his one true legacy will be firmly established - he will be leaving behind a far better world simply because of his absence from it. This is a man who has literally raped and pillaged (not a combo you see much of anymore) and has been rewarded, rather than reviled, for it. Justice must be served.

"And I'm going' down
All the way
I'm on the highway to Hell"

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Conventional Wisdom – Snidely “Donald J.” Whiplash Hates America

“Heroes and villains
Just see what you’ve done.”

Both the Republican and the Democratic Conventions are now in our rear view mirrors, and the contrast could not have possibly been more distinct.  The DNC was a celebration of America. The RNC was its wake.

Compare the conventions, and it’s as if we witnessed electoral events of two completely contradictory countries with very little, if any, similarities – two opposing realities, two perceptions of politics, of good and evil, of values, of life and living. The GOP of 2016 has much more in common with the Confederate States of America, than it does the republic envisioned and designed by our founders; with a leader owing more to Jefferson Davis than Thomas Jefferson.

Trump Presidential role model, Jefferson Davis
The Democrats hosted a proud, patriotic, flag-waving, optimistic proclamation of the greatness of our country, our people and our ideals, with an exciting vision of a positive and diversified population unified in its love of liberty, equality, freedom and country. The Republicans presented an Aryan hate rally, denigrating our great nation, belittling its people and painting a hopeless, bleak portrait of the world and our place in it – all led by a weak, thin-skinned, vengeful, uninformed, hate-filed, bigoted, authoritarian madman and wannabe totalitarian strongman, proffering himself as the sole solution to the many fictional dilemmas of a non-existent dystopian society. Trump shared his singular view of America, that being, if you’re non-white, non-Christian, non-native born, you are the cause of all of Mother Earth’s problems and you are not, and will never be, a “true American.”

Meet Don J. Trump. His Boy Eric. Daughter Ivanka. Melania his wife.

Here’s a unique interpretation of this Fuhrer of Fifth Avenue - many generations of Saturday Morning cartoon viewing Americans are familiar with a classic, animated evil-doer by the name of Snidely Whiplash; may I suggest the unlikely scenario that the Donald is the flesh and blood, living embodiment of this cell-drawn demon, albeit, one who’s actuality accedes greater peril, with far worse intent; while still being one-dimensionally cartoonish and sincerely simpleminded, with a focus solely on inflicting severe damage on others, all in the cause of self-aggrandizement, self-promotion and self-gain.

Yes, Trump is the fiendish, mustache-twirling, dastardly devil who, upon having his loathsome lustful advances spurned, lashes the young, lovely damsel in distress to the train tracks. He’s the heartless landlord who gleefully evicts the poor widowed senior from her home for a single late rent payment. He’s the cruel, orphanage director who feeds his minor charges nothing but cold, lumpy gruel 3 times a day.  And I wonder, why do Republicans not grasp this obvious and odious disposition? Is my worldview too sadly dominated by repeated childhood viewings of the Little Rascals and Dudley Do-Right?

Or perhaps, just perhaps, the Trumpeters do sense this deeply embedded background and foundation of pure, vile evil in their candidate, and rather than reject it, choose to embrace it, and so share equal responsibility in the end of days that a Trump Presidency portents and promises.

I'm afraid that the millions of us trying so desperately hard to fight against Trump’s ascendance to power are actually helping him instead. The sorrowful truth is that all of the things that reasonable people find so repulsive in him - his misogyny, racism, ignorance, narcissism, lack of any knowledge about our country, our history or our government, his dozens of extramarital affairs, his sexual assaults, his non-stop onslaught of lies, his draft dodging, his disparagement of veterans, POW's and the disabled, his pure hatred for those not Caucasian, his text book sociopathic traits, are the very things his supporters worship about him. They love to assert that he speaks for them, so, the more we point out what an inhumane, worthless parasite he is, the more we may actually be helping his malicious cause.

Republicans believe that everyone in the world is out to get us and so we better get them first. We (real, thoughtful, genuine, flesh and blood humans, that is) believe that the best is possible only when we are united and come together in cooperation and harmony toward a common goal.

By the final, fetid, fascistic words of Trump's oration of hate, fear and division, one felt covered in a foul filth that a million showers could never expunge; yet, thankfully, the optimism, the American spirit and the truths spoken by the participants at the DNC thoroughly cleansed us, as only love, tolerance, unity and acceptance can.

The GOP makes heroes out of villains and villains out of victims.

“Stand or fall I know there
Shall be peace in the valley
And it's all an affair
Of my life with the heroes and villains.”

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

Saturday, July 23, 2016

A Grudging Acceptance – Trump Channels Goebbels

“Great Trump Speech, America First… couldn't have said it better!” – David Duke, former KKK Grand Wizard

“… laziness is a trait in blacks. It really is; I believe that. It’s not anything they can control.”- Donald Trump, White America’s current Grand Wizard

“I've heard this sort of speech a lot in the last 15 years and trust me, it doesn't sound any better in Russian.” – Gary Kasparov, Russian Chess Grandmaster and Political Activist

Fascism comes to America in Chinese polyester and piss-poor hair plugs.

“America’s long national nightmare” has begun. The Republican National Convention has concluded, and we patriotic Americans suffered through a sad and shocking spectacle of Aryan power and desires, delivered from and to an overwrought, angry assemblage of enraged, screaming, alabaster-hued, pasty, monochromatic faces, unlike anything witnessed since the years of the Nuremberg Rallies. The GOP (aka KKK) formally nominated our first openly bigoted and openly totalitarian presidential candidate, and he regaled in the unbridled adoration and unquestioning devotion of his obedient sheep. 

Trump’s acceptance speech was full of the kind of perverse and perilous prevarication expected by someone who kept copies of Adolph Hitler’s speeches in his nightstand (should you doubt the veracity of this blog - http://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trumps-ex-wife-once-said-he-kept-a-book-of-hitlers-speeches-by-his-bed-2015-8) and was full of hatred, racism, division, lies, anti-Americanism, xenophobia, authoritarianism, and more than anything else, irredeemable and acute self-worship.


“I Am Your Voice… I Alone Can Fix it.” – Donald Trump, Lord and Savior

This historic oration (historic, of course, as in terms of events like the Ice Age and the asteroid that slew the dinosaurs, not historic as in the American Revolution or the first moon walk) was a dangerous and offensive exercise in narcissistic deception and fabrication, firmly built on a foundation of proven and time-tested, wrathful Fascist rhetoric.

Trump pushed all the traditional Fascist buttons and articulated (if one can “articulate” purely monosyllabically) its ignorant and igneous ideology – the militarism, the fear-mongering, the provocation of unfounded fury, the dystopian doom and gloom, the demonization of the other -  foreigners, immigrants, Muslims, non-whites, non-Christians - the intense isolationism, the extreme nationalism and the artificial appeal to the everyday working man, those whom Trump and his monyed compadres regularly bilk to build their fortunes.

He vociferously, vituperously and vengefully presented a series of flagrantly false facts and figures, painting a grey, grim and gruesome portrait of a completely non-existent America, overrun with “others” of darker skin-tones, divergent faiths and destructively disloyal allegiances, who are raping, pillaging and murdering their way through Mayberrys and Pleasantvilles from the mountains to the prairies, to the oceans white with foam and plastic six-pack rings, infiltrating and annihilating our culture, forcing onto us their deviant views and values and, of most importance, pilfering all of our best jobs.

As is the conventional Fascist custom, Trump maliciously and mercilessly scapegoated those who, in reality, have the least among us, and placed blame squarely on their overburdened and stooped shoulders for any trials and tribulations "real" Americans may currently be enduring. And in response to all these harrowing and frequently fictional woes of the white privileged, he proffered not a plan, not a position, not a platform, but a person – a single dictatorial figure to whom we must surrender our will and blindly place our unwavering trust – heil Trump! “I alone can fix it.”

"If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it.” - Joseph Goebbels, Third Reich, Minister of Propaganda

“And here, at our convention, there will be no lies. We will honor the American people with the truth, and nothing else.” – Chancellor Trump

"Fact-checking Trumps's garbage truck of lies: His speech... riddled with fiction and conspiracies." - Salon

Sadly, and inexplicably, tens of millions of our fellow Americans march willingly, and even gleefully, to Donald Trump’s totalitarian drum beat.  We’ve heard this song before.

“Oh Fatherland, Fatherland,
Show us the sign
Your children have waited to see
The morning will come
When the world is mine
Tomorrow belongs
Tomorrow belongs
Tomorrow belongs
To me!” – Fred Ebb

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Half a Mike Pence: Legislating Hatred for the Prince of Peace (Redux)

The Case Against Religion: Argument Number 2,987,425

“Indiana wants me,
Lord, I can’t go back there.” – R. Dean Taylor

Hot off the virtual presses, and straight to your favorite blog (well, my favorite blog, anyway) - that tangerine-tanned titan, that Hair Club for Men President (who's also a client), that KKK cover boy, Donald Trump has revealed his selection for Vice Presidential running mate - and the earth yawned. In choosing, about to be defeated, Indiana Governor Mike Pence, the Donald has, once again, demonstrated the kind of dubious discernment that has led to a life littered with thousands of lawsuits, hundreds of poorly-placed hair plugs, dozens of extramarital affairs, four bankruptcies,  three marriages, two rape accusations and, of course, (please say it with me) a partridge in a pear tree.

In reality, what we now have representing the party of Lincoln (not Abe, but the Lincoln Motor Inn on the Jersey side of New York's Lincoln Tunnel, offering hourly rates for over five decades) is a two for the price of one GOP ticket, a single vote buys you two avowed bigots - one practices discrimination as a loathsome hobby, while the other has, oh so unconstitutionally, made it law in his state.

"So, how old are your daughters, again?"
So, while not to conceitedly crow, or too proudly proclaim a predilection toward prescience - concerning Pence, we've been there, done that, and now re-present to you, updated and revised from well over a year ago "Half a Mike Pence:  Legislating Hatred for the Prince of Peace." Enjoy, share, and tell your friends!

The face of a man already in deep regret
Indiana,  home of Forrest Tucker and Leon Ames (I have odd tastes) previously best known for its production of gap-toothed, late-night talk show hosts, its yearly festival of race car crashes and as the largest supplier of Caucasian basketball players to the NCAA, finds itself suddenly thrust into the national political headlines.

For as Conservative Christians continue their crusade to take this country ever backwards in time and tolerance, Indiana Governor Mike Pence made their destructive dreams come true by enacting an unconstitutional law allowing legal bigotry against the LGBT community. Thanks to Mike’s minute and malicious mind, businesses in the Hoosier State can now deny service to gays, lesbians, transgenders and members of the touring company of “Kinky Boots.” He, like so many self-proclaimed but ill-intended Christians, continues to demonstrate his complete lack of knowledge of Jesus’s teachings, philosophy, and charitable and beneficial beliefs. Further, punitive Pence proved he is also painfully deficient in his acquaintance with our country’s history, laws and Constitution.

Clearly missing from Governor Pence’s faulty civics education is this extremely well-known and popular gem from our Constitution - "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof."

Also unknown to this ignorant executive is this greatest hit from the Declaration of Independence – “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

But, as so many on the Right feel the Bible trumps any mere government documents, what of the figure for whom myriad GOP pols claim to speak? What are Jesus's thoughts on the subject? From John 13:34 - A new commandment I give unto you. That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.”

So, by all obvious and outward appearances, no matter how you approach fairness and equality, be it through the words of our Founding Fathers or the Word of the Biblical Father, Conservatives are wrong, wrong and, for good measure, wrong again.

Numbers Don’t Lie (But Political and Religious Leaders Do)

Not to cause great insult, injury or offense to any sincere believers who may have mistakenly stumbled upon this bit of blasphemy while trolling for a Kirk Cameron direct-to-video release, but to my less than humble, and overly-opinionated sensibilities, all of your creeds are incorrect. There are approximately 4200 religions in the world, worshipping around 2870 deities, each whose followers sincerely know that theirs is the one true faith and the one true god; resulting in distrust, animosity and thousands of years of warfare against those who believe otherwise. But how logical or plausible is it that 4199 religions are fugazis while one is genuine? Maybe, it’s at long last time that someone admits that their faith is flawed; and as charity, and perhaps, truth telling begin at home, allow me the distinct pleasure to begin. 

When I believed in the Judeo-Christian god, and I celebrated Christmas, not as a festival of cheerful ditties, multi-colored strings of lights and entertaining animated television fare, but as the birth of a lord and savior, I did so in accordance with my childhood indoctrination. However, just a few moments of research will reveal that, as Fred Flintstone is to Ralph Kramden, Jeb is to W, and Cheney is to Beelzebub, Jesus seems but imitation of earlier invented gods, primary among them, Egyptian deity Horus. The virgin birth, the three Wise Men, the twelve disciples, the crucifixion and resurrection, all of these biographical details, and more, were a part of the Horus mythology concocted sometime around the 31st century B.C.

The Big pre-Webber/Rice Savior
Denying others their freedoms and rights is not anyone's freedom of religion, it's simply bigotry and hatred wrapped in phony sanctimony. It's also vile and unconstitutional. Might I suggest that if what anyone derives from a book is to hate and hurt others, whether it's the Bible or a dime novel, one reject that book immediately? Unfortunately, until we reach a more progressive period when humanity supplants divinity and fact supplants faith, classes will always clash and the world will forever war.

Returning to our original theme of intolerance in Indiana, R. Dean Taylor performs his one hit wonder, “Indiana Wants Me.”

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Somewhere, Under the Sea – Murder at 20,000 Leagues

A beautiful sight to some, a harbinger of death to others

“Happy we’ll be beyond the sea,
And never again, I’ll go sailing.” – Jack Lawrence

My best friend is a woman. I am a man. Should these facts be relevant to the tale about to unfold, I am unsure, but as the flavor of this prose is so frequently flowery and dandified, the experiences and allusions referenced so often asexual, it is possibly a worthwhile clarification.

I love my best friend, as surely as I love chocolate egg creams, the Temptations (original line–up only), my white, shawl-collar dinner jacket, the dear departed Spanky, finest of all felines, being an accepted regular at a welcoming, neighborhood tavern, and a perfectly prepared prime rib. We have each other’s keys, and we all are aware of the seriousness and solemnity of the key exchange ritual. We watch each other’s cats, precious and fragile lives left in the other’s care – sacred bonds of trust.

She’s been as important to my adult existence, maturity and development as anyone who has ever cautiously and carefully, with justified trepidation, pierced the protective plastic armor of my presence. I’m as comfortable with her as I’ve ever been with any animal, vegetable or mineral, and as trusting of her as the little lamb that followed Mary to school one day.


So, after these many eons of familiarity and faithful friendship, why is she trying to kill me? No one could be more aware than she, that I take to water like an anchor takes to water. I take to water like Joe Frazier in “The Superstars” competition took to water (today’s obscure reference). I take to water like the guy from the beginning of “Sunset Boulevard” who, although deceased, somehow still manages to narrate the film, takes to water.  I take to water like a mob stool pigeon, sporting the latest in stylish cement footwear, takes to water. If I have been at all unclear, please allow a little additional elucidation, I take to water like the drowned, dead, bloated, floating corpse, I appear destined to become, takes to water.

nycityman takes a dip in the backyard pool
Once wary toe makes its first move from blistering, beach terra firma, to initial dip into Neptune’s domain, the principle problem reveals itself - by some freak of nature, which I have neither the intellectual capacity, wisdom nor knowledge to explain or comprehend, my body completely lacks buoyancy. Be I alien, artificial intelligence (using the term “intelligence “ with some flagrant looseness), an X-Man-like mutant with the world’s most useless anomaly, or in possession of a physique composed of primarily sand or sponge - unlike Ivory Soap, I’m not 99 and 44/100% pure (and may I say, for that I am grateful) and I don’t float.

nycityman enjoys a day at the beach
One must ponder, then, why is the aforementioned best friend constantly putting me in situations where I’m very likely to succumb to a watery demise – be it a pool deeper than my stubby, old, Italian-American man height, a dolphin cove, offshore on a tiny, little boat that we piloted with no prior boating experience, or on a very large cruise ship afloat in a vast sea with no vision of safe, blessed land ever in sight?

All that was found of nycityman in the dolphin cove
Friends, to the point of all this damp deliberation - should I harbor some suspicion?  Is there foul play afoot? Has a deal been negotiated between beloved bestie and suspicious insurance agent? Will my organs command an abundant bounty on the black market? Will she publish these, now, six years of timely treatises and become the next American Poet Laureate? Should I alert some authority?  A gendarme?  The FBI?  A lifeguard?  The Italian-American Civil Rights League?  David Hasselhoff?  The Coast Guard? The Tea Party?  Sub Mariner? Or, are these aquatic undertakings all, rather, well-meaning, and well-intended attempts to free the self-imposed, land-locked restraints of a far too sheltered and too guarded gentleman, and expand his heretofore limited vistas to what have been new, rewarding, and extremely enjoyable experiences, should I survive them?  

Or, has she understandably had it, and just wants to kill me? Keep a watch on these pages.

nycityman on Celebrity Cruises
And now, Bobby Darin stands on golden sands and watches the ships as they go sailing – enjoy!

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Top Ten Irrefutable Facts about Donald Trump Supporters

“The one thing this man has going for him, was the common people in large numbers flocked to hear him speak, and tell them of the great things he aspired to do for them. Donald Trump fits this description. The last time I heard a story like this, the man’s name was Jesus Christ… in the political arena, among the common people and the establishment, he is just like him.” - D. Ortiz, Trump Supporter

As is the case with 93 percent of the deceitful declarations by the pro-tem presidential candidate, himself - pro-tem because come July 22nd, the day after the conclusion of the Republican Convention, D.J. Trump will be dust in the wind, extremely loud and annoying dust in the wind, but all he’ll be is dust in the wind, nevertheless, and whomever the sacrificial lamb appointed to replace him as the GOP nominee is, he or she (who are we kidding, it will be the usual white guy) can begin preparing a concession speech to be delivered in November to President Clinton II – the list to follow involved no research, very likely contains not a single grain of fact, mostly fancy, and is guaranteed to offend a sizeable segment of U.S. citizenry.

So, attempt to contain your umbrage and outrage, exceedingly sensitive Donald devotees, for this is just a bit of comedy fluff – a highly disparaging bit of comedy fluff for certain, but if you wish to sic that malicious, egomaniacal, mangy mongrel; that hateful, bigoted, misogynistic, ignorant, dangerous sociopath, on our great country and indeed on the entire planet, you truly do deserve far, far worse than a soupcon of satirical jabbing – loss of the right to vote, revoked citizenship, an hour at a kissing booth with Sarah Palin, a good old-fashioned tar and feathering, a dunk tank full of piranhas, are mayhaps all good possibilities worthy of consideration. When your insolent idol ignites enmity and malevolence toward women, immigrants, minorities, veterans, P.O.W.s and the disabled, and you chhuckle and cheer in abominable accord, surely you can stomach a gentle jest or two.

I do doubt the presence of Trumpeters perusing these often prescient pages, however, the proliferation of polysyllabic words alone would pose quite the stumbling block. But, while Trump is the biggest insult to the electoral process in the history of these United States, and presents a dangerous dilemma of pacaderm-like proportions, it is these supporters who have gleefully, hatefully and stupidly carried him to this prominent place of potential power, and present the more pressing problem. He will be gone, but they will remain. He is but one Mephistopheles, they are many millions.

And so, with gratitude and apologies to David Letterman -

Top Ten Irrefutable Facts about a Donald Trump Supporter

10. You’re upset about the Bill Cosby case because you always considered him “one of the good ones.”

9. The Orlando mass shooting has left you confused as you revile Muslims and homosexuals equally.

8. You don’t even speak a “first language.”

7. When you say “the good old days” you mean the 1850’s.

6. You misread his slogan as “Make America Hate Again.”

5. A cat is both your pet and the word that knocked you out of the spelling bee.

4. According to P.T. Barnum, one of you is born every minute.

3. You’re the reason manufacturers feel the need to put directions on shampoo bottles, and in one word sentences - Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

2. You believe Adolph Hitler was just misunderstood.

1. The letters PhD will never, ever, ever follow your name on any document.


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