Sunday, September 25, 2011

Michele Bachmann: Truth Shall Never Pass These Lips

Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Your 2012 Republican Nominees

“I'm not a deep thinker on all of this. I wish I was. I wish I was more knowledgeable.”

Michele Bachmann’s presence in the race for the GOP Presidential nomination allows “… and several butcher’s aprons” to happily revive a series began in 2010, “Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Your Republican Nominees.” We previously featured Carl “I’ll kick your ass” Paladino, Sharron “Second Amendment remedies” Angle and Christine “I am not a witch” O’Donnell. Should you be interested, and where would I be if you were not, the links for each will be posted below.

Thankfully, if you do what I do, trying to make funny out of politics - a subject that largely leans much more toward the malicious than the mirthful - you have to thank your lucky stars that the Republicans, once again, are fielding a fine assemblage of comically incomprehensible and inconsequential candidates - more Section 8 than 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. One might suggest, if one had such callousness in them and certainly nycityman does not, that a more appropriate location for the 2012 Republican National Convention, rather than the planned Tampa’s St. Pete Times Forum would be New York City’s Bellevue Hospital. Some might even suggest that this field has more nuts in it than Grandma’s Christmas fruitcake, more loons than a Eurasian aviary and more screwballs than Tug McGraw’s left arm (for you non-Met fans, go with “more crack pots than a china shop on the San Andreas fault” or “more whack jobs than a Corleone family baptism“) - but you’ll never read such slander on this forum.

In a party and occupation where flagrant falsification and promiscuous prevarication is the expected mode of behavior, Bachmann is the rabbit at the dog track - she’s the pace setter. Amidst a rogues gallery that in better days couldn’t have competed for summer, day-camp president, never the less President of these United States; among this destitute collection of wanna-be and never was GOP pretenders; this assortment of oddities and eccentrics that would have been rejected from the Island of Misfit Toys - Michele is to the lie, as Segovia was to the guitar, Astaire to the dance and Alfalfa to the croon - a fantastical fabricator of facts and phrases. Lest you suspect I advance such claims haphazardly, referring to one of the early GOP debates - “Politifact.com, the Pulitzer Prize-winning fact checking service, found 17 of Bachmann's 24 statements to be false.“ And should you desire more evidence that Bachmann tends to the extreme in every possible arena, there is the fact that she has had 23 foster children. That’s not fostering, that’s hoarding. Michele Bachmann collects kids like Home Shopping Network devotees do cubic zirconians and Hummel figurines.

So now we present Michele Bachmann in her own words - Michele Bachmann of whom Sigmund Freud would have bemoaned, “oh man, even I can’t do anything for her, let Jung take a shot.” - translated from the original Austrian, of course. She of the frighteningly frozen, wide-eyed gaze - a silent movie-like, facial expression that constantly communicates a perpetual state of being goosed. A woman Will Rogers would have met and proclaimed, “okay I take it back. “ A politician whose list of lies is longer than the Desperate Housewives’ cast botox injection schedule. When you read the untruths, the malice, the pure ignorance present in Bachmann’s statements, you’ll wish she had demanded the same level of excellence (or at least proficiency) for herself that she does for immigrants. For those hopeful Americans, she stipulates they be capable with English, knowledgeable in American history and conversant on the Constitution - with those standards, if Michele was a foreigner desirous of citizenship, her most likely pathway would be through a loveless, business-arrangement of a marriage, and we know that is something she would certainly never contemplate.

Bachmann’s solution to the country‘s economic crisis -“I think if we give Glenn Beck the numbers, he can solve this [the national debt].”

On the dangers of (gasp) homosexuality - “Why is it so dangerous? It leads to the personal enslavement of individuals. Because if you’re involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it’s bondage. Personal bondage, personal despair, and personal enslavement.”

More on the dangers of homosexuality - “He goes home then, and says ‘Hey mom, what’s gayness? We had a teacher talking about this today.’ The mother says, ‘Well, that’s when a man likes other men and they don’t like girls.’ The boy’s 8, he’s thinking, ‘I don’t like girls. I like boys. Maybe I’m gay.’ … You don’t think that’s intentional, the message that’s being given to these kids? That’s child abuse.”

A note - Michele’s intolerance, revulsion and abhorrence of homosexuals, with the possible exception of her husband, Marcus, is legend, and easily dominates any presentation of Bachmann bon mots.

“The immediate consequence, if gay marriage goes through, is that K-12 little children will be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal, natural and perhaps they should try it.”

''And what a bizarre time we're in, when a judge will say to little children that you can't say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.''

On her second favorite evil - “Yet he continues to push his far-left, socialist agenda on the American people. And today, he has declared war on marriage. I will continue to do everything in my power to fight back against Barack Obama’s attacks on marriage “

"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."

''We will talk a little bit about what has transpired in the last 18 months and would we count what has transpired into turning our country into a nation of slaves.''

Conversations with her top political advisor - “I said Lord, what would you have me do in the Minnesota State Senate? And just through prayer I knew that I was to introduce the marriage amendment in Minnesota.”

"I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?'

Her astounding grasp of American history - "But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ... I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly -- men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country."

And finally, Michele speaks with the first African American Chairman of the Republican National Committee in a parlance with which she feels he will be most comfortable - “'Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man!''?

Next time, on “Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Your 2012 Republican Nominees” - Rick “the Executioner” Perry - “When you have a clearly open homosexual scout leader, the scouts are going to talk about it. And they're not there to learn about that. They're there to learn about what it means to be loyal and trustworthy and thrifty.”

And now, legendary garage band The Knickerbockers, with “Lies" - after which you'll find the aforementioned links to the earlier essays.



  1. hey there!
    haven't seen you before! love the piece, love the blog, and especially love your handle.

  2. Loved the piece. Thanks.

    - Part Time British Columbian Arizonan

  3. woo hoo it was late I wanted to go to bed but once i started reading it I was hooked and choking on my laughter!!!!!!!

  4. Enjoyed it too. Keep it going.

  5. Thank you. I do not have a lot of joy in my life at this time, but I will chuckle myself to sleep tonight!!!

  6. I haven't laughed out loud in awhile....thanks!

  7. My favorite moment was this: "Michele is to the lie, as Segovia was to the guitar, Astaire to the dance and Alfalfa to the croon - a fantastical fabricator of facts and phrases." and if they succeed in doing away with public schools, more potential voters will believe what ever they say!

  8. Oh come on now, quit picking on her, she's cute and I can just see her as president - usually in my worst nightmares.

  9. I really don't think using mental illness as a means to ridicule Republican presidential candidates is appropriate. It's high offensive.

  10. Wow, thank you all so much for the great comments (and even the not so great one.) I'm always sincerely appreciative whenever anyone takes the time, not only to read the posts, but to give feedback as well - whether the thoughts are positive or negative. I never set out to offend, but to make a point or two and hopefully to do so in an entertaining and humorous fashion. If, like me, you believe that the Tea Party is an intolerant, inhumane and extreme influence, promoting an anti-working class, pro-corporate agenda, I'd love if you'd be so kind as to also check out my new Facebook page, the HUMANitea PARTY MOVEMENT. The goal is to start a new progressive, grassroots, anti-Tea Party movement dedicated to bringing rationality, compassion and humanity to politics. There's a manifesto under "information." If you think it's a worthy endeavor please "like" the page. We need as many such groups and as many individuals as possible to combat their anti-American, reactionary numbers. Thanks. https://www.facebook.com/pages/HUMANitea-PARTY-MOVEMENT/237144423004966