Thursday, December 22, 2016

All I Want for Christmas is Hil

A 2016 Christmas Carol

Yuletide felicitation friends – soon, so mercifully soon, this most heinous of years, 2016, will reach its, so very much deserved, demise. Unfortunately, for us all, its passing has been a long, drawn out, excruciatingly painful one - lowlighted, of course, by the popular vote loss that is escorting a career criminal, admitted sexual predator, and treasonous Russian puppet into the office of the most powerful man in the world. But, at least he didn’t have a private email server.  Merry Christmas.

Yet, it is still Christmas, the season of miracles, that time of year when a post office employee’s shameful slothfulness can lead to Kris Kringle’s release from a sanitarium, and a time when a chanteuse, in a shorty Santa suit, like the pointsettia, experiences an annual revival. And so, with naïve and aspirational hopes and the spirit of the holiday, and with her entirely unknowing and unwitting assistance; I brazenly, heretically and, no doubt, illegally, rework Mariah Carey’s modern Christmas classic (scroll below for the genuine article) as a desperate and sincere entreaty for Jolly Old St. Nick to deliver below our tannenbaums she who defeated Donald Trump by 3 million votes.

All I Want for Christmas is Hil

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
But I have an urgent plea
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want her for our own
Before the country’s future’s blown
One wish to fulfill
All I want for Christmas is Hil

There’s just one gift I want for Christmas
A savvy woman we all need
So, skip the shirts you know I won’t wear
Those Chinese Trump clothes colors bleed
I don’t need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won’t make me happy
If I still see that orange face
I just want her for our own
No vulgar Mussolini clone
Who’s so filled with ill-will
All I want for Christmas is Hil
Hil baby

I don’t want a thug for Christmas
Half KKK, half killer shark
Who lusts for female family members
And bends to Russian oligarchs
No Cratchits chowing on prize goose
No, I don’t even wish for snow
I’ll stay awake and cross my fingers
For her beneath my mistletoe
I’ll give up on a Silent Night
If Rodham holds us safe and tight
I’ll hold my breath until
What I get for Christmas is Hil
Ooh baby

The alt-whites are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children’s
Crying fills the air
And everyone is clinging
To hopes that you’ll be bringing
Santa won’t you bring me the one I really need
Won’t you please bring my baby to me…

I still don’t want a lot for Christmas
This is all I’m asking for
Don’t want to see an insane leader
Inside the Oval Office door
Oh, I just want her for my own
So many voters must atone
Can’t let Trump pass a bill
Baby all I want for Christmas is Hil

Any comments, questions, criticisms, compliments, candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

We Will Survive – A House Re-Divided

“At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along”

Many decades ago, while still a lad residing in the suburban home of my wonder years, I recall a memorable moment from a beauty pageant the family was watching. In response to a political query from the host (Bobby Sherman? David Soul? Gary Collins?) Miss (we’ll call her Miss Calculation, as I’m blank on the actual state she represented) attempted to repeat the well-known Abraham Lincoln quotation alluded to in the title. She correctly articulated, “a house divided,” but then paused nervously, for a far too extended period of time, before concluding with, “is no good.” Since that day, I have been unable to think of our heralded 16th Commander in Chief, without also reflecting upon Miss Calculation. And so, to her, I dedicate today’s dissertation.

“The law’s totally on my side, meaning, the President can’t have a conflict of interest.” - Donald Trump

The President-Elect (just the unbelievable, unimaginable thought causes one to regurgitate, ever so slightly, in one’s mouth) has been crystal clear in communicating his intention to be but a part-time President (and with the exception of an immediate resignation, perhaps this is the most beneficial outcome we can hope for.) Melania and Barron will remain in New York, while Donald will equally apportion his occupancy between the White House and his gold-plated brothel on 5th avenue, that white-trash Versailles, Trump Tower. For as brief a period as it may last, the primary purpose of the Trump presidency will be to use the power and influence of the office to fiscally benefit his many business interests. Any and all Presidential decisions will be based solely upon this principle of personal financial gain. The severe conflict of interest implied and involved is thoroughly unlawful, but Trump has been breaking laws since he was so young that his hair still respected the laws of gravity, with nary a punishment but an easily affordable court settlement. The wealthy in the United States rarely feel the wrath or condemnation of the justice system that they, very often, appear to have part ownership of. The vast majority of duties and responsibilities of the POTUS will be left in the Paleolithic, homophobic hands of Mike Pence.

The Trump/Pence electoral victory is pathetic proof that despite whatever superficial leaps in progress we continually make as a nation and society, too many Americans still cling happily and proudly to a shameful past that included, among other atrocities, the massacre of one people, and the enslavement of another – that period in our history referred to when Trump and his supporters senselessly and robotically recite, “make America great again.” They can keep on claiming decency, loudly proclaiming that they are neither racists nor misogynists, but their vote will forever and always belie that declaration. And, as an exceedingly pale Caucasian, whose skin couldn’t bronze beneath the cancerous glow of a hundred tanning beds or the multiple suns of far distant galaxies, I hesitate, not a fraction of a second, to pronounce the truth that this intolerant sensibility, presently expanding in reach, significance and authority, is completely the fault of us whities. We’ve accomplished much good, yet, simultaneously, have caused and will continue to cause unyielding irreparable damage to people of other hues whom we refuse to accept as fellow and equal human beings. In an offensive nutshell, we white people kind of suck.

“Go on now go, walk out the door
Just turn around now
Cause you're not welcome anymore”

This pilfered triumph of Trump’s, at this writing Secretary Clinton holds more than a 2.5 million vote lead over the Orange Avenger (hero to the elite and the entitled, fighting a never-ending battle for untruth, injustice and the un-American way) provides solid and sad evidence that tens, if not hundreds of millions, of our fellow Americans (although, their values show them as Americans in name and accident of birth only) ally with the Ku Klux Klan, neo-Nazis and White Supremacists, one of whom is now the Bigot in Chief’s Gal Friday in the White House. Every woman, every African-American, every Muslim, every Latino, every member of the LGBTQ community, every immigrant, was told on Election Day, in no uncertain terms, that their lives don’t matter and that they are not genuine Americans.


But our country’s hazardous and treacherous blundering at the ballot box reaches beyond our, soon to be walled-in, borders. Among the other many unfortunate facts we must face is how the unwise and acrimonious actions of our cruel citizenry dangerously affects and distresses the rest of the planet. The Earth’s other inhabitants are blameless in this darkly comic and cruel tragedy. Everyone other than the 60 or so million who supported treason and treachery are innocent victims of the infinite ignorance and animosity of the Trump voter. We will be reviled throughout the world, and it is a reaction that is both logical and justified.  May the international community forgive us for what we did on November 8th.  

“Oh no, not I, I will survive
Oh, as long as I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got so much love to give
And I'll survive, yes I'll survive
Yeah, I'll survive”

Yet, despite this recent, unexpected and unfathomable, conquest of nationalism, racism, sexism and every other repulsive “ism” you can possibly ponder; despite the takeover of our nation by people who hate America, who don’t understand or know our history and values, and don’t truly believe in this great experiment in Democracy - there is hope for our future. The earnest and rapid reaction and response among our young people to the extremely perilous situation our country now finds itself in, and their sincere apprehension and concern, not of just a bad future for our homeland, but of the prospect of no actual future at all, points to brighter days ahead; that is, of course, if we can somehow survive the darkness in which we currently wander. Even with all the violence and all the hate crimes that have been encouraged by Trump and perpetrated by his Walking Dead followers, we can hold out hope for better times. Trump’s voters are the past. Trump voters are old folks like me, and the brutal fact is that ours is a generation that is dying out, desperately holding on, with every remaining bilious breath, to a false mythology of an America that peaked in the 1860’s South. 

The oath of office, this coming January, will be sworn by an unworthy man, much more Jefferson Davis than Thomas Jefferson. But through the anger, puzzlement and tears, look beyond the smoke from the burned crosses of this small-minded group, look into the streets of the cities and the suburbs and see the millennials marching. Admire and applaud the high school students staging walk-outs, and actively defending their minority classmates who have come under physical attack in the name of “Trump’s America.” Appreciate the individuals of all ages sporting safety pins on their apparel as a sign of support and comfort and safety for those that Trump has targeted. We will endure, we will eventually win and Trump, his beliefs and his followers, equally tattered souls, in mindless and hate-filled alignment with the foul filth he spews, will soon enough be an ugly memory of a deeply black mark in American history.

For now, there are two Americas, as surely as there was during the Civil War. And while this new Confederacy may temporarily hold sway, the South will not be rising again. For just like those combatants in grey, the Trump army is not America.  America is marching in the streets.

Any comments, questions, criticisms, compliments, candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

A Nation Sells it Soul – Survival in a Post-Trump America

“And I don't know a soul who's not been battered
I don't have a friend who feels at ease
I don't know a dream that's not been shattered
Or driven to its knees
But it's all right, it's all right
We've lived so well so long
Still, when I think of the road
We're traveling on
I wonder what went wrong
I can't help it, I wonder what went wrong” – Paul Simon

“95 North is bumper to bumper. Route 1 is closed from I-76 to Route 30 as we experience extremely heavy volume all along the funeral route for the sudden and tragic passing of the United States of America.” – 11/09/16 U.S. Radio Traffic Report

As with the majority of citizens who inhabit the populous landmass south of Canada and north of Mexico, the one-time great republic, formerly known as the United States of America - I’m angry, I’m sorrowful; I’m in shock, disbelief, depression and deep despair.  And, I ask you, wise readers, how does one learn to live with these legitimate and sincere feelings for the four years, the 1461 days, we have ahead of us with the Right’s favorite fuhrer leading his ignorant, angry and violent army of anti-American misogynists, bigots, Russian oligarchs, KKK and neo-Nazis in the rapid destruction of the greatest experiment in democracy the world has ever known?

I had sincerely hoped that with the prior posting of November 3rd, sanity, intelligence and patriotism would have prevailed and there would be no further need to address the odious subject of Donald J. Trump. Clearly, as did most people whose anatomy still contains both a functioning brain and heart, I far underestimated the level of idiocy, prejudice, and pure unadulterated hatred that once lay dormant and has now leapt to the fore, and into the loving and welcoming embrace of the Republican party and their malignant membership - a colossal collection of clueless rebels without causes, engaging in a gigantic, unjustified, whiny, self-indulgent, self-important and narcissistic White Rage hissy fit, irate and outraged because people of color, Latinos, women, the LGBT community and other minorities dare believe they are entitled to the same Constitutional and equal rights as these good ol’ boys and hillbillies.

“And I dreamed I was dying
And I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly
And looking back down at me
Smiled reassuringly
And I dreamed I was flying
And high up above my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty
Sailing away to sea
And I dreamed I was flying”

Should We Stay or Should We Go Now?

Let’s face the forlorn facts, our fellow former Americans have screwed us, as surely as if they are Trump and we are a 13 year old girl (or for that matter, an extremely close relative, whose identity will be only revealed upon her father’s demise – ah heck, I just gave that away, didn’t I?) Toronto is tempting and Fiji is fine this time of year, but we stay.  While we may have never before been this rightfully ashamed of the red, white and blue, nor ever this disgusted with those who voted to legalize and legitimize racism and sexism, we stay. Although we should not accept the results of this election or the ascendancy of Trump to the Oval Office, as acceptance inches too close in attitude to approval, we stay.  We stay, because we are in the right. We stay because we are the descendants of our Founders. We stay because we must fight - fight against the revolting and repugnant rising tide of hatred, division, discrimination, xenophobia and anti-intellectualism. And we fight with our words and our deeds, our voices and our votes. With determination, patience and genuine patriotism, there may be a path to lead us back to the real America.

When Trump, that most petty, most loathsome little man, and his legion of obdurate and brutish philistines are indecent, we must display decency. When they are intolerant, we will be tolerant. When they renounce and reject, we will accept and welcome. When they are hateful, we will be loving.

Americans. Patriotic Americans. Those of us who still believe in freedom and equality, are now immersed in the battle of our lifetimes, the battle to save and preserve our Republic against the enemy from within, and the most perilous and treacherous domestic danger our country has confronted since the War Between the States. We have to stand united to defend the values we treasure. Together, we will persevere, and perhaps even prosper, when we succeed and eventually and inevitably put this extremely dark period in our history behind us. There is no choice.  We have to hold on to the hope that when all is said and done, the power of tolerance, acceptance, love and Americanism will ultimately endure.

“We come on the ship they call the Mayflower
We come on the ship that sailed the moon
We come in the age's most uncertain hour
And sing an American tune
But it's all right, it's all right
You can't be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow's going to be another working day
And I'm trying to get some rest
That's all I'm trying to get some rest”

Any comments, questions, criticisms, compliments, candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

“Trump Hades” Breaks Ground for 2017 Opening

Satan Renovates Hell in Preparation for Trump Presidency

“I heard that he said something about groping women, and I’m thinking, okay, number one, I think that’d be great. I like getting groped! I’m heterosexual. I’m a woman… Groping is a healthy thing to do. When you’re a heterosexual, you grope, okay? It’s a good thing. Try it.” – Jane Biddick (Trump follower)

Great news for Trump supporters, we here at “… and several butcher’s aprons” have received information from some very credible inside sources, further confirmed by my natural connections to the Netherworld as an avowed Atheist that, because of anticipated increased demand, Beelzebub himself, the being Donald hung posters of in his boyhood bedroom right next to his cheesecake photos of Hitler and autographs of John Birch, is adding a new wing to Hell, currently under construction (it's yuuuge, believe me) exclusively to accommodate Trump and the ever-growing, mindless and malicious millions who defend this admitted sexual assaulter and soon to be tried child rapist, and who viciously attack the innocent women that Trump has already viciously attacked. So, congrats, make believe moral high-grounders and counterfeit Christians - eternity with your hero is in your grasp! Pack light and keep the furs, parkas and muffs of all kind behind.

While maintaining serious doubts that those who rally behind this tiny-handed totalitarian and minutely-endowed dictator would either seek out this blog or even possess sufficient skill in reading proficiency to comprehend its contents, the chance remains that a Trumpeter or two could unwittingly happen upon this page while searching for more Trump-appropriate hater-fare as KKKids Say the Darndest Things, Black Lives Don’t Matter, Rape Aficionado, Incest Illustrated, Popular Lynchings, Make America Hate Again, P**sy Grabber Fancier, Statutory Liberty or Putin Pin-ups. And any atom of enlightenment they may somehow assimilate, even accidentally, would increase their current catalog of knowledge by infinite proportions.

November 9th – A Trump Voter’s Dream

On the day after Election Day, the Trump voter awakens to a White House (strongly stressing “white”) occupied by Donald Trump and now gaudily gilded in gold, with Trump’s name plastered in large letters all about the exterior.  “Their” nation is now totally devoid of African-Americans, Latinos, Gays, Muslims, Jews and Atheists. The entire perimeter of the country is walled in and all immigration has been halted. Women are now restricted to the kitchen and the bedroom, never to stray elsewhere, and must submit to every whim of their husbands, or risk facing physically violent wrath, as now legally permitted by Trump decree. Every man woman, child and domesticated animal open carries armaments, preferably automatic assault weapons, and should any of the banned and previously mentioned undesirables dare return with the mistaken belief that America is still the land of freedom and equality, the remaining “real Americans” are legally free and prepared to use said weapons in defense of the fascism they so willfully, lovingly and ignorantly embraced.

“Maybe you have to be a 70 year old, white male from the South to know what ‘Make America Great Again’ means. I know what it really means.” – Bill Clinton

No evidence, no accusations, no admissions, no confessions of his multitudinal misdeeds and immoralities, his mounting tally of misdemeanors and felonies, whether caught on tape or witnessed live, will shake the unwavering worship of the great unwashed and grievously unlearned. Presented with a video of their oppressive oligarch repeatedly assaulting Mother Theresa, their response would be to call her the “C” word and accuse her of asking for it.

This pathetic, continued championing from Trump proponents and apologists is clear demonstration that idolatry has transformed to deification.  If you consider yourself a Christian, while you “should have no other gods before me” yet endorse this hate-filled, sub-human, worthless parasite who embodies everything that makes humanity weak, wicked and cowardly, it may be time to turn in your crucifix and start sleeping in late on Sundays.

A Final Beseechment Before Your Vote is Cast

Donald Trump was never a serious candidate. He's never been a serious man. This 18 month international nightmare has been naught but an extreme exercise in massive self-absorption and an expansion of the boundaries of reality television.  A vote for Trump is a vote to end this noble experiment in Democracy that is (was?) the United States of America.  A vote for Trump is a vote to crash the world's economy and to bid your saving's accounts, 401Ks and investments a fond farewell. A vote for Trump is a vote to destroy your children's future. And you, who so foolishly do this, do so only to fulfill the narcissistic delusions of grandeur of a serial sexual criminal and deranged sociopath. Once done, and this demonic die has been cast, your deadly decision is unalterable, and as a country we can but beg forgiveness from the rest of the world for the inexcusable evil we have done to them.

“Well I know that I'm damned if I never get out,
And maybe I'm damned if I do,
But with every other beat I've got left in my heart,
You know I want to be damned with you.” - Meatloaf

Any comments, questions, criticisms, compliments, candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

The Ballad of Tiny Hands – The Fall and Fall of Donald Trump

“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.” – Donald Trump

Donald J. Trump, a human being so relentlessly repulsive, so utterly and completely void of value or worth or of a single redeemable positive quality; a man of whom the ghost of Judas once remarked, “see, I’m not looking so bad now, am I?”; who learned all of his courting and seduction techniques from Jack the Ripper; and who had the Devil sell his soul to him - has apparently and frighteningly become my muse!

Yes, once again, “… and several butcher’s aprons” hesitantly presents, for your perusal and amusement, another in an ever growing series of comedic pokes at The Man Who Would Be Fuhrer.  And, for a second consecutive time, the spoof is penned in rhyme (see what I did there?). At the risk of repetition, should these constant condemnations of the Earl of Orange cause but one of his current supporters to even pause for further thought and consideration before setting the burning cross aflame, and then pulling the lever for the Donald, as the cliché states, my job here is done.

What follows may be a tad on the sophomoric, if not stupid side - as confirmed by the perhaps too frequent allusions to genitalia - but then, there are some subjects so puerile and fatuous in nature, that sophomoric emerges as the exact correct tone and tenor.

As this, the blog world’s lengthiest set-up, mercifully drawers nearer to its conclusion, a final note – when writing and reading this derogatory verse, I have a melody in my head (and a song in my heart.) Maybe you can summon it, as well. Think, Middle Ages, perhaps the Renaissance – a King rests upon his plush throne, a jester stands nearby, and at the sovereign’s say, we hear the music of an ocarina, a flute, a lute, a zither and dulcimer, led by a vocalist, very simIlar in sound to a young Alan Jones (a reference for my sizeable 100 and over readership.) On the other hand, I fear I may have just ripped off the theme from Gilligan’s Island. You decide.

 “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” – Donald Trump

The Ballad of Tiny Hands

This is the tale of an evil man,
‘Twas neither brave nor true.
In every way a Medieval man,
A foul knave, through and through.

Every fair lass that would pass his way
Would feel his tiny hands.
Whenever asked, he would lie and say,
They loved his sex demands.

This is the ballad of Tiny Hands
His legend grew and grew.
Sadly for him and his many wives
Trump’s tower did not too.

Even his daughter was not immune
From his perverted gaze.
Barely a teen when this warped tycoon
Began his flirty praise.

One fair day he rode on a coach
For Access Hollywood
Confessed to his grabby hand approach
A molester’s folly would.

Came damsels and dames from across the globe,
To tell of his assaults.
When faced with this grueling public probe
He fell from his vile faults.

This is the ballad of Tiny Hands
His legend grew and grew.
Sadly for him and his many wives
Trump’s tower did not too. 

So what of the world’s most conceited man,
Does he yet understand?
He’ll end as the world’s most defeated man.
Farewell to Tiny Hands.

“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.” – Donald Trump

“Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon
Going to the candidates debate
Laugh about it, shout about it
When you've got to choose
Ev'ry way you look at it, you lose” – Paul Simon

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.c