Sunday, September 25, 2011

Michele Bachmann: Truth Shall Never Pass These Lips

Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Your 2012 Republican Nominees

“I'm not a deep thinker on all of this. I wish I was. I wish I was more knowledgeable.”

Michele Bachmann’s presence in the race for the GOP Presidential nomination allows “… and several butcher’s aprons” to happily revive a series began in 2010, “Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Your Republican Nominees.” We previously featured Carl “I’ll kick your ass” Paladino, Sharron “Second Amendment remedies” Angle and Christine “I am not a witch” O’Donnell. Should you be interested, and where would I be if you were not, the links for each will be posted below.

Thankfully, if you do what I do, trying to make funny out of politics - a subject that largely leans much more toward the malicious than the mirthful - you have to thank your lucky stars that the Republicans, once again, are fielding a fine assemblage of comically incomprehensible and inconsequential candidates - more Section 8 than 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. One might suggest, if one had such callousness in them and certainly nycityman does not, that a more appropriate location for the 2012 Republican National Convention, rather than the planned Tampa’s St. Pete Times Forum would be New York City’s Bellevue Hospital. Some might even suggest that this field has more nuts in it than Grandma’s Christmas fruitcake, more loons than a Eurasian aviary and more screwballs than Tug McGraw’s left arm (for you non-Met fans, go with “more crack pots than a china shop on the San Andreas fault” or “more whack jobs than a Corleone family baptism“) - but you’ll never read such slander on this forum.

In a party and occupation where flagrant falsification and promiscuous prevarication is the expected mode of behavior, Bachmann is the rabbit at the dog track - she’s the pace setter. Amidst a rogues gallery that in better days couldn’t have competed for summer, day-camp president, never the less President of these United States; among this destitute collection of wanna-be and never was GOP pretenders; this assortment of oddities and eccentrics that would have been rejected from the Island of Misfit Toys - Michele is to the lie, as Segovia was to the guitar, Astaire to the dance and Alfalfa to the croon - a fantastical fabricator of facts and phrases. Lest you suspect I advance such claims haphazardly, referring to one of the early GOP debates - “Politifact.com, the Pulitzer Prize-winning fact checking service, found 17 of Bachmann's 24 statements to be false.“ And should you desire more evidence that Bachmann tends to the extreme in every possible arena, there is the fact that she has had 23 foster children. That’s not fostering, that’s hoarding. Michele Bachmann collects kids like Home Shopping Network devotees do cubic zirconians and Hummel figurines.

So now we present Michele Bachmann in her own words - Michele Bachmann of whom Sigmund Freud would have bemoaned, “oh man, even I can’t do anything for her, let Jung take a shot.” - translated from the original Austrian, of course. She of the frighteningly frozen, wide-eyed gaze - a silent movie-like, facial expression that constantly communicates a perpetual state of being goosed. A woman Will Rogers would have met and proclaimed, “okay I take it back. “ A politician whose list of lies is longer than the Desperate Housewives’ cast botox injection schedule. When you read the untruths, the malice, the pure ignorance present in Bachmann’s statements, you’ll wish she had demanded the same level of excellence (or at least proficiency) for herself that she does for immigrants. For those hopeful Americans, she stipulates they be capable with English, knowledgeable in American history and conversant on the Constitution - with those standards, if Michele was a foreigner desirous of citizenship, her most likely pathway would be through a loveless, business-arrangement of a marriage, and we know that is something she would certainly never contemplate.

Bachmann’s solution to the country‘s economic crisis -“I think if we give Glenn Beck the numbers, he can solve this [the national debt].”

On the dangers of (gasp) homosexuality - “Why is it so dangerous? It leads to the personal enslavement of individuals. Because if you’re involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it’s bondage. Personal bondage, personal despair, and personal enslavement.”

More on the dangers of homosexuality - “He goes home then, and says ‘Hey mom, what’s gayness? We had a teacher talking about this today.’ The mother says, ‘Well, that’s when a man likes other men and they don’t like girls.’ The boy’s 8, he’s thinking, ‘I don’t like girls. I like boys. Maybe I’m gay.’ … You don’t think that’s intentional, the message that’s being given to these kids? That’s child abuse.”

A note - Michele’s intolerance, revulsion and abhorrence of homosexuals, with the possible exception of her husband, Marcus, is legend, and easily dominates any presentation of Bachmann bon mots.

“The immediate consequence, if gay marriage goes through, is that K-12 little children will be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal, natural and perhaps they should try it.”

''And what a bizarre time we're in, when a judge will say to little children that you can't say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.''

On her second favorite evil - “Yet he continues to push his far-left, socialist agenda on the American people. And today, he has declared war on marriage. I will continue to do everything in my power to fight back against Barack Obama’s attacks on marriage “

"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."

''We will talk a little bit about what has transpired in the last 18 months and would we count what has transpired into turning our country into a nation of slaves.''

Conversations with her top political advisor - “I said Lord, what would you have me do in the Minnesota State Senate? And just through prayer I knew that I was to introduce the marriage amendment in Minnesota.”

"I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?'

Her astounding grasp of American history - "But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ... I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly -- men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country."

And finally, Michele speaks with the first African American Chairman of the Republican National Committee in a parlance with which she feels he will be most comfortable - “'Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man!''?

Next time, on “Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Your 2012 Republican Nominees” - Rick “the Executioner” Perry - “When you have a clearly open homosexual scout leader, the scouts are going to talk about it. And they're not there to learn about that. They're there to learn about what it means to be loyal and trustworthy and thrifty.”

And now, legendary garage band The Knickerbockers, with “Lies" - after which you'll find the aforementioned links to the earlier essays.


Monday, September 19, 2011


“We can change the world
Rearrange the world
It’s dying -
to get better” - Graham Nash

One single, solitary individual with absolutely no connections, no political pull and an extremely limited number of hair follicles (okay, this is irrelevant, but I needed a third thing for pacing and rhythm) trying to start a nation-wide and hopefully, influential political movement – just how out of control is the sense of self-worth and self-regard of nycityman?! Well, in this era of exploding social media when cats getting tickled and homeless people boxing tournaments reap thousands, if not millions, of views and followers, why not give something positive a shot? Impossible, you retort? Well, nothing's impossible I have found, for when my chin is on the ground, I pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again (maybe that wasn’t me but rather Fred Astaire.) So, as a natural outgrowth of “… and several butcher’s aprons” I proudly and egotistical announce a further expansion of the sticking of my nose into other people’s business, and the proselytizing of my know-it-all political opinions, with the HUMANitea PARTY MOVEMENT (look at those caps, this must be important.) Simply stated, our goal is to bring rationality, humanity and compassion to political discourse and policy, and to counter the corporate agenda of the Tea Party. We are the anti-Tea Party. My motivation for such an endeavor – the recent depressing and chillingly positive, almost giddy, audience reactions at the recent GOP debates to the concept of the deaths of fellow American citizens - or perhaps I’m just desperately trying anything to elevate myself to such a position of power that no woman would ever consider spurning my advances again – you decide.

At present, HUMANitea PARTY MOVEMENT exists on but a Facebook page, but soon we hope to grow and expand to other media as well. In the meanwhile, the link to the page is attached in this posting and will permanently be in the list of links on the right side of the blog. Below is the HUMANitea Manifesto as published on Facebook.

I can’t do anything alone so, seriously I implore you, if you find anything to your liking here, please join the movement and share with like-minded companions. Much obliged, “we can change the world.”


Putting rationality, compassion, humanity, equality and tolerance back into the political discourse and placing people above corporations - the Humanitea Party is a true, genuine grassroots political movement, and an answer to the corporate created and corporate financed, faux grassroots movement that is the Tea Party. We promote true traditional American values of freedom and fairness and acceptance of all, and not the anti-minority, anti-poor, anti-immigrant, anti-working class interests that the Tea Party, its corporate overlords and the rest of the Extreme Right endorse as their form of American values. A primary goal is to counter the Tea Party - to counter the influence, to counter the falsehoods, to counter the big business agenda. We must oppose the negative, verbally violent, anti-American rhetoric of their movement which inevitably creates the type of atmosphere that leads to the joyous and jubilant reactions to executions and uninsured dying that we recently witnessed at GOP debates. Built on a foundation of lies and deception, the Tea Party uses the suffering working class to unwittingly further the power, wealth and influence of the affluent and the business interests - all masked by the flag and the cross, and disguised as a movement for the benefit of the middle class.

“We can change the world, rearrange the world, it’s dying - to get better.” We may indeed be capable of changing the world, but in order to do so - where now we are few, we need to be many. As individuals we are powerless, but as an assemblage of individuals, we are empowered. Thanks to technology - thanks to Facebook, thanks to Twitter, thanks to emails, Skyping, texting, smart phones, tablets, thanks to every little wonder of the world wide web - anybody and everybody can have a voice now - how one chooses to use that voice is of supreme importance. You can have a voice and just make a calculated and caustic cacophony like the Tea Party or you can have a voice and with it affect your country and society in constructive ways - and that is the foundation of, and the reason for, the existence of the Humanitea Party. This is a movement for progressive, positive change, Humanitea believes in science, history, facts - supports enrichment, education and enlightenment in any and all its forms. This page should be a place for a civil and intelligent exchange of ideas - never juvenile name-calling or hate speak - a forum to discuss issues, policies and candidates; and of equal importance, whenever possible, an environment to attempt to right wrongs, to correct injustices, to defend the defenseless. I encourage everyone to post on here whenever made aware of political or social issues, inequities or injustices they feel need be addressed.

Please join me and do so swiftly, we’ve only got until the 2012 election to turn this tide of intolerance, this fear of knowledge and facts, this disregard for science and history, this lack of human kindness, compassion or charity, this taking from the poor to give to the rich that has been embraced by so many in American politics and now infiltrates the Republican Party, muting its more moderate members. Humanity must always play a principal part of the political process and the needs of people must always remain absolute.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

Ten Years After: 9-11-11 Tears of Rage. Tears of Grief

“Tears of rage, tears of grief...
Come to me now, you know
We're so alone
And life is brief” - Bob Dylan

Dedicated to my fellow New Yorkers who behaved so bravely, boldly, calmly and resolutely; to those who lost loved ones and to those very loved ones who have left us. We came together, we pulled together, we supported each other - as we always do. We of the most diverse population in the nation, if not the world - we of every language, religion, culture, sexual and ethnic background - we who unite as one, time and time again because our differences aren’t a weakness but our greatest strength. We may in some ways be dissimilar but ultimately we are the same - with our regard, our respect, our embracing of our differences and the eventual melding of them that makes us the richest and strongest culture in the word. It is the might and power of our diversity that unites us and makes us above all - New Yorkers. Some express distaste when faced with unfamiliar garb and tradition and language; but when I stroll 8th avenue and, within just a few blocks, hear a multitude of tongues being spoken, I smile in appreciation of the rich, wonderful variety of peoples and customs and beliefs that I am so fortunate to live among,

A common question occurs around every anniversary of this day and that is - should September 11th be declared a national holiday? A day of sacrifice, contribution and recognition of valor and lives lost - appropriate. A day of reflection, of contemplation, of mourning – undoubtedly so. But as a culture with such a foundation of, and an unwavering commitment to, capitalism, commercialism and consumerism, how soon before what began as day of solemn commemoration converts into one of mattress sales, final beach outings and barbeques? We need look no further than Memorial Day for proof that such an unfortunate transformation is likely inevitable.

Of course, every American has their own stories and their own recollections - memories of that horrific day are not in short supply - so I will share but a few, brief personal reflections.
I think of the visiting firefighter from West Virginia that I met in a souvenir store in Times Square - he was searching for a pleasant memento of his trip, perhaps to help balance the very unpleasant recollections he would be taking home with him from the sad site where he was bravely voluntarily toiling. He was here to try to save lives and to bring a home a Big Apple snow globe; I was there in search of an American flag pin. And all I could think to say was to express my sincere thanks. A decade later our nation is divided unlike any time since the Civil War, but on that day he wasn’t from a red state, I wasn’t from a blue state, we were from the United States, and unfortunately that feeling appears all but lost.

For days I couldn’t tear myself away from the 24-hour news coverage - initially watching it mostly with a feeling of absolute disbelief which, when acceptance of the events finally sunk in, changed first into sadness and sorrow, but then into a seething rage. I found myself feeling an intense and ugly anger, a pure blinding hatred, a desire for reaction and revenge - done swiftly and even violently - that I had never experienced before and have not since. At times while watching the events on television, my eyes would well with tears, not necessarily tears of grief, but rather tears of rage. Not an uncommon reaction I imagine and one that would explain the outpouring of pent-up relief and jubilation that followed the assassination of Osama Bin Laden. People may criticize the joyous reactions of many Americans, but it was a genuine and necessary release, one long overdue and one needed for the continued healing of our nation.

Returning to the New York-centric theme of my remembrance (I am nycityman, after all) I want to continue with two quotes taken from a conversation on a recent episode of “the Chris Matthews Show” that nicely address some of the special nature of my metropolis and its exceptional inhabitants - in this case, in relation to September 11th.

Howard Fineman, Huffington Post - “Even right near Ground Zero and all over New York today, New York is alive more than ever, that is the Mecca for everybody on the East Coast, for every kid from all over the United States and still from around the world. The sense of creativity and possibility in NY remains undiminished.”

Jamie Tarabay, an Australian-born journalist from the National Journal, “The first time I arrived in America…I landed in New York and I went down to Ground Zero and I met New Yorkers and it just struck me how Al Qaeda had basically picked the wrong place, they picked on the wrong people. They just didn’t understand the mentality of New Yorkers… they are themselves, they are unique to this country… New Yorkers were like, ‘is that it. Is that all you’ve got? We are going to move on, we are who we are, and we are going to continue.’”

I fantasize about a future life in London or Paris, but in reality, I wonder if New York is really the only place I could ever happily live.

To very properly conclude, a beautiful commemorative song written by my extremely talented friend, Ed Kessel, “Voice of Freedom - a 9/11 Tribute.”

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Of the Rich, By the Rich, For the Rich: The Lie of the Tea Party

“The exact phrase 'separation of Church and State’ came out of Adolph Hitler’s mouth, that’s where it comes from. So the next time your liberal friends talk about the separation of Church and State, ask them why they’re Nazis.” - Glen Urquhart, Tea Party Congressional Candidate from Delaware.

“He (Barack Obama) has no place in any station of government and we need to realize that he is an enemy of humanity.” – Tea Party Rep. Trent Franks of Arizona

“Stupid is as stupid does.” - Forrest Gump

"Hey, who you callin' a Tea Bagger?!"

Why not call them Tea Baggers, even if some now find that phraseology offensive? At their genesis they proudly proclaimed themselves such, ludicrously yet lovingly, suspending Salada’s from their singularly silly chapeaus. Should others be regarded responsible for the fact that they lacked the worldliness and knowledge to be familiar with its more lascivious meaning? Although truly, what more accurately expresses lasciviousness - a sexual act performed by consenting adults or an organization whose ultimate goal is to pervert and transform the greatest republic the world has ever known into an immigrant, minority and working class oppressing plutocracy? Far be it from me to proffer counseling to Tea Baggers, but I say, why not embrace and empower the name? So what if doing so conjures up specific imagery of genitalia and genitalia based activities - genitalia have their place. You’re all God-fearers, believing him to be, much like Carnac, all-seeing, all-knowing, infallible – God created man, and man arrived replete with genitalia. So, indeed, embrace the genitalia, my friends (figuratively or literally, your choice.) Embrace the genitalia! (a possible powerful future party rallying cry?)

We now, unfortunately, find ourselves residing in a new post-Tea Party, Earth 2, Bizzaro World, where everything that was once considered positive is now considered negative – education, knowledge, diversity, open-mindedness, human-rights, charity, acceptance and tolerance – all now deemed dangerous, destructive and deleterious; and presently believed beneficial under the Rocket’s Red Glare - superstition, hatred, small-mindedness, corporate-rights, selfishness, bigotry and intolerance. The age of science and enlightenment appears over, as the Tea Party ushers in a neo-dark ages where “real Americans” no longer believe in science, evolution, climate change – truth or facts. We’ve entered an era of a new ruling class of the un-intelligentsia; a time when education is looked down upon as being “elitist” and ignorance is commended. Where we once embraced and encouraged the best and the brightest, we now support and celebrate the worst and the witless. And, in what may be the most sobering series of syllables strung together since the development of the written word, we’ve gone from John Adams and Thomas Jefferson to Sarah Palin and Rick Perry; and we’ve allowed their like to lamely lead us from the Land of Opportunity to the Land of the Lost.

The Founding Fathers
“This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it.”- John Adams

“Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law." - Thomas Jefferson

The Tea Party’s co-opting of the Founding Fathers, as political and social kindred spirits, is just a sad jest that they are very unlikely to get. The Founding Fathers represented everything that the Baggers abhor and consider elitist. They weren’t regular folks, they weren’t Joe the Plumber. Most were well-educated, men of science, men of arts, inventors, free thinkers, writers, world travelers (at a time when that was no easy task) they spoke multiple languages, were well-read and highly valued education, learning and knowledge. Some were well-heeled land-owners, the high-society of their day. Regarding the party's insistence that the intent of our founders was to establish a Christian nation based on Christian values, well, I fear that belief is merely a flight of fancy, as they were stalwartly against the intrusion of religion into government; and despite current au courant assertions from the Right, many were not even Christian - Franklin, Jefferson, Madison, Washington – none were Christian, Deists, one and all.

“The government of the United States is not in any sense founded upon the Christian religion.” - John Adams

In light of the fact that Tea Party favorites and Presidential candidates, Rick Santorum, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry have all signed marriage pacts that, among other absurdities, state that African American families were better off during slavery than they are now, perhaps the only thing the Baggers would have in common with the Founding Fathers would be their tolerance toward slavery. (If one could only make John Adams fantastically appear, Marshall McLuhan in Annie Hall-like, at a Bachmann rally to hear him stoically state to the armed assembly, “you know nothing of my work.”)

Grass Roots Movement?
Alas, despite popular mythology, the only thing grass roots about the Tea Party would be their 45rpm recording of “Midnight Confessions.” The party was founded and funded by the billionaire, oil-magnate Koch brothers - the pair behind the Tea Party Express - and their corporate cronies, as well as by former Representative Dick Armey (insert juvenile name jibe here) and his pro-big business, anti-freedom organization, Freedom Works. The na├»ve, uninformed Baggers are being used as pawns by the powerful and wealthy to help further their commercial and capital agenda at the great expense of the poor and middle class. Historically, this has been a country of the haves versus the have-nots, where the haves have traditionally stifled the have-nots so as to retain power and influence among their own ranks. The unique and wonderful thing about our nation is that eventually the downtrodden, through hard work and some minor government intervention, have been able to rise up through the system and socially and financially better themselves. The working class has always fought for their rights and their right to advance. That’s how it was, now welcome the Tea Party as, inexplicably, for the very first time in American history, we are involved in a situation where the workers have aligned themselves with their oppressors - against government intervention and the labor unions and their own betterment, and have gleefully and voluntarily, hastened their own decline. It’s quite remarkable and to be brutally honest, quite imbecilic. And why would they do that? Although Paul Simon says in Kodachrome, “my lack of education hasn’t hurt me none,” the reality has proven to be the contrary. Where once laborers organized, protested, struck, formed unions and guilds (all considered anti-American, socialist tactics now), wrote books and essays and articles and expressed themselves; they now rally against unions, against change, against self-expression, against advancement – in many ways against freedom itself. This is the Tea Party - fighting, and fighting hard, to keep themselves under the thumb of the modern robber barons. How do the privileged and powerful so successfully foster this societal self-immolation? – fly the flag of Jesus and patriotism, add in some minor mistrust of gays, foreigners, immigrants and women’s rights, and the Baggers will follow you like a Kardashian following an NBA team bus.
The corporate slave-masters are hankering to “return with us to the thrilling days of yesteryear” (hi-ho Silver, away) to a falsely idyllic, pre-Union period - no overtime, no breaks, no minimum or live-able wage, no healthcare or paid sick days, no limit on hours required to work, no concern for safety conditions, no insurance, no vacation time, no child labor laws - and the Tea Baggers are just toothlessly grinning up at them and blissfully begging, “please sir, may I have some more.”

Taxed Enough Already – founded on a falsehood
The very foundation of the Tea Party, the very acronym for which it stands, is perhaps the largest lie of all. Stop Baggers on the street (they’ll be the ones toting their King James, their AK47s, and their misspelled signs, while sporting oh-so fashionable, tri-corner hats) and they’ll be more than thrilled to school you on the treachery and treason of the insane tax levels levied on the American public and their precious corporate overlords by vile, Marxist Barack Hussein – except that’s a complete and utter prevarication very easily disproved. What they steadfastly refuse to accept as fact, is fact - we are currently experiencing the lowest tax rates in 60 years. Obama has lowered taxes five times through numerous programs and for 95% of the American population – oooh, I shake my fist angrily at you cursed Kenyan!! Yes, in other words the Taxed Enough Already group has no true reason to even exist but to promote the corporate socialism for which it actually toils.

Epilogue (Just like a Quinn Martin Production)
A CBS/NY Times Polls shows that while 21% of the population has expressed support for the Tea Party Movement, only 4% actually consider themselves party members. So, miniscule minority, I beseech you, deter yourselves from attempting to make the other 96% of us as intolerant, ignorant and ignominious as you. Like the similarly hateful Know Nothing Party of the 1850’s, these haters too shall pass into history and be as forgotten to future generations as science, history and facts are to them. There’s nothing real, there’s nothing genuine, there’s nothing honest, there’s nothing patriotic about the Tea Party. It’s time we stop deferring to them, and it’s time we stop referring to them, as a grassroots movement of real Americans; believers and defenders of truth, justice and the American way. The Tea Party is considerably composed of two groups - unenlightened, uneducated, uninformed, racist, newly-anarchist, working class; and the big business billionaires who pull their strings and, to a sizeable extent, control their every word, deed and thought.

Embrace the genitalia!

Now, with a twinge of hopeful optimism, the great Nat King Cole performs, “The Party’s Over.”

Saturday, September 3, 2011

The Last Temptation of Jerry - a Labor Day re-post

We conclude our narcissistic and lazy anniversary commemoration with this second and final encore presentation - a timely Labor Day entry dedicated to the show business legend that is Jerry Lewis. Taking Jerry away from us this weekend is like removing Santa from Christmas (sorry, this is a secular site,) Obama from May Day (he is a Communist, right? That’s what I keep reading) or the Little Rascals from Arbor Day (an extremely obscure and specific reference so you’ll just have to trust me on this one.)

Perhaps there may exist no one, even in the exceedingly conceited confines of the entertainment arena, who exhibits a larger ego, a more annoying nature and who could possibly be more legendarily difficult to deal with. But, with all that being said, this is a person who’s also given decades of his life to the Muscular Dystrophy Association, and should be respected and admired for doing so. And so we honor a man who has experienced much dishonor of late; a man who gives and gives and gives... until you give him credit. A man who gives and gives and gives until it hurts… any sense of proper decorum, good taste and our sensibilities. Who gives and gives and gives until it hurts… us to have to watch him. We pay tribute to a superstar who has made dozens, nay, hundreds laugh with naught but a well-timed, “lady!” or a pair of prosthetic buck teeth and an overtly, offensive Asian accent, Of course, I kid Jerry as he’s known to take it so well. And to the board of the MDA, who removed Jerry from this event and his chairmanship, I do seriously say - how dare you? Jerry should be permitted to draw his final breath on the stage of the MDA Labor Day telethon if that is what he wishes - it’s not as if he hasn’t died on television before (rimshot.)

Finally, we also recognize late manic comedian, Charlie Callas who, since the initial posting of this piece, has left us for the great comedy club in the clouds.

Takin' Care of Business: Celebrating Labor Day

A Musical Salute

“The end of labor is to gain leisure” - Aristotle

“You get up every morning
From your alarm clock's warning
Take the 8:15 into the city
There's a whistle up above
And people pushing, people shoving" - Randy Bachman

While it is a widely held belief that the Labor Day holiday was created by, mercurial comedy legend, Jerry Lewis in order to facilitate once-yearly television appearances for show business pals Norm Crosby, Jack Jones and Charo - coochi, coochi - this, in fact, is not the case. Let’s let the U.S. Department of Labor shed some light.
“Labor Day is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.”
Well said, Department of Labor, we’ll miss you when the tea-baggers take over, but for now, this is a day to salute all of the working people. Let the Republicans cater to the top 1% wealthy ruling class, they may have the other 364 days - but today, break out that Kingsford charcoal or charge that Samsung 55 inch 3D LED TV, half off today and today only, at PC Richards, or sit stewing and cursing in your Camry stuck for 6 desperate hours in teeming turnpike traffic, just for the pleasure of spending barely 2 hours on an almost lethally crowded beach - because this is your day. Let the plutocracy eat cake!

In 1894, 22nd and 24th President of the United States, Grover Cleveland proclaimed the first Monday of every subsequent September - Labor Day. Of course, if such a notion of celebrating “labor” and the “worker” was proffered today it would, no doubt, be portrayed as further evidence of the evil, creeping, Kenyan, Muslim, Obama Socialism and most likely would never survive a Senate filibuster.

To all of those who did toil today so that the majority of workers who did not could enjoy their leisure time even more fully - to the waitresses, bartenders, bus drivers, cabbies, store clerks, chefs and so on and so on - we extend our gratitude and appreciation.

So, thanks Charlie Callas, and kudos Amazing Kreskin, and much appreciation Buddy Greco - we crave your annual visits. Most of all, thank you, Jerry Lewis. You may be, perhaps, a tad intense at times but we value the many years of good charitable work as well as your urbane comedy stylings - the long-flamed lighter burning the nose hairs bit never gets old. But at this time of tragically high unemployment - when Congressional Republicans block job bill after job bill, delay legitimately earned unemployment benefits and refer to jobless workers in terms such as "lazy" and "hobos," it's particularly appropriate to recognize and thank America's work force.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

An Anniversary Re-Post - Baby Ka-Boom: The Rise of the Terror Baby

In further recognition of the miracle of, "... and several butcher's aprons" making it, kicking and screaming, to its first anniversary (miracle being a relative term here - not water into wine miracle nor an Annie Sullivan level miracle - but as my attention span is usually more akin to that of a Sugar Pops, washed down with a Juicy Juice box consuming, Backyardigans viewing toddler, I will indulge myself with some minor back-pattery (yes, that word is completely made up but feel free to spread its use.
As the original intent of the blog was as an outlet for my Godless, anti-American, Marxist (umm, I mean Liberal/Progressive) rants, this re-posting is of the most viewed, thereby most popular, political essay. The subject, even when originally scribed a year ago, is somewhat obscure and at this point, definitely dated, but it still gets read by a few people every day and its tally continues to grow. So, with much gratitude, re-presenting, "Baby Ka-Boom: The Rise of the Terror Baby."

“They’re coming to get you, Barbara” - Night of the Living Dead

Modern day Republicans spread lies like Elvis spread bacon fat on fried banana sandwiches – with enthusiasm, gusto and pride. And, as with Elvis, while they might enjoy some short term gain, in the long run, there’s bound to be undesirable consequences. They’ve lied to you about the grand malevolence of gay marriage, for instance. Regarding the recent ruling in the Golden State, disgraced and forced to resign former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, had this to say -

“Judge Walker's ruling overturning Prop 8 is an outrageous disrespect for our Constitution and for the majority of people of the United States who believe marriage is the union of husband and wife.”

This is a topic of some expertise for Newt as this thrice married, serial philanderer does know a thing or two about destroying marriages. But unless a straight couple and a gay couple are trying to book the same Saturday in June, or are fighting over the last Lennox gravy boat in stock at Macy’s needed to complete their settings, I just don’t see the problem.

Then there’s Death Panels - a concept that came to Sarah Palin when she nodded off one night, mukluks in place after one too many hot toddies, during a Cinemax showing of Logan’s Run.

But, of course, the vast majority of right-wing political “truth-stretching” involves the legitimately, legally elected, Barack Obama whom, they have taught us, is a Kenyan born, Marxist, Nazi, Islamic terrorist trying to brainwash American school children and traveling the world to espouse the evils of the country he has set out to destroy - the United States. To delve into such a disparate and desperate level of prevarication there is obviously something about him that the right is just not O-KKK with. I wish I could put my finger on it.

And now there’s the latest bit of fear-mongering from the GOP, and by far my personal favorite, scary babies! Apparently thinking that there’s no bridge too far for the Snuggie buying, American public they want you to fear babies - Evil Death Babies! Now, the Evil Death Babies (patent pending - heretofore to be referred to as EDBs) come in two categories depending on which constituency your representative is pandering to at the time. For people who distrust Jimmy Smits, the EDBs are called Anchor Babies. If, instead, you’re suspicious of Christiane Amanpour, then the EDB’s are called Terror Babies - a much more colorful and dramatic moniker. I’m not precisely sure how the Terror Baby plan is supposed to work, as I’m not clinically insane, but I do know that it involves terrorist moms coming here, giving birth to new American citizen EDB’s (curse that 14th Amendment) taking them back home to Terrorkistan, where they then spend the next 30 years teaching them to hate the New York Yankees, TGI-Fridays and relaxed fit jeans with built-in-comfort, elastic waist bands

However, while universally recognized as a crafty, very dangerous and thoroughly fictional foe, there are ways to defend against and disarm the Terror Baby. They can, for example, be easily distracted for long periods of time by the mere jangling of shiny keys in front of their cherubic, yet vile, faces. If you wish to momentarily win over a TB (Terror Baby) it is believed that they utterly enjoy the company of a doggy, particularly a “Mommy, look a big doggy,“ doggy. So be sure to stay well stocked, canine-wise, at all times. But, the most valuable and lethal of all the weapons at your disposal is, of course, the binky. Nothing is more effective than the well-timed placement of a binky into the depraved, little, foul mouth of your cunning adversary. Once lulled by the comforting sensations of said binky, the baby can then be apprehended and brought to justice where the little demon will eventually be placed, without benefit of trial or hearing, in the Terror Baby Wing of Gitmo - Elmo.

If only the far-right weren’t so reckless, mean-spirited and poisonous - and such a danger to our nation, its people and its future - they would be so amusing.