This blog entry will be somewhat different in tone than the usual, "... and several butcher's aprons" post. It will lack the standard jokes, similes and snarky comical attitude. Even the closing song intended as additional commentary will be missing for, unfortunately, the subject at hand is too serious for such frivolity. Some time ago, I had optimistically hoped that our days of addressing the problem of Sarah Palin had been left behind in the dustbin of history. She had appeared to become as irrelevant as Marcus Bachmann at a Playboy mansion soiree. This heartless harpy has received enough of the public attention that she so obviously and pathetically craves, that we no longer wished to contribute to fulfilling that need for her - then Gabrielle Giffords, and her wonderful and devoted husband, Mark Kelly appeared on the television news magazine "20/20," and Palin, once again, became a relevant topic. Now, often the most effective way to rid ourselves of puerile, public figures poisoning our political system and population with their ignorance, intolerance and hatred is simply to ignore them. Nothing wounds a Palin or a Glenn Beck more than a lack of what they most pathologically desire - publicity. And, as previously stated, we have made a concerted effort to avoid any mention of such sad individuals. But upon viewing Gifford's travails on TV, one cannot help but feel ire that Sarah Palin - she of "don't retreat, reload," the gun sight map specifically targeting Giffords by district and name, one version of which also contains the message, "we've diagnosed the problem...help us prescribe the solution," among many other examples of her steady stream of violent rhetoric and imagery - has not herself taken responsibility, nor has been held accountable for the acts of violence that followed, culminating in the tragic shooting of Giffords and the many attendees at her rally that day. The fact that Palin still maintains a public profile, and didn't just quietly withdraw to private life to pray to whatever demonic deity could produce such a selfish, sanctimonious shrew, and ask forgiveness for her many reprehensible words and deeds, says more about this miserable human being than any outside observer could possibly express. What's tragic and sadly ironic is that Gabrielle Giffords now valiantly and bravely struggles to regain her brain functions as a result of someone who never had any to begin with. Sarah Palin must never hold a place of political importance and influence again, our country and its people are far too great for that. To end this piece on a positive, more germane and proper note, we salute Representative Giffords and Retired Captain Kelly who show, despite the news coverage to the contrary, that in our culture, our world and our country, the brave, the courageous, the good people, far outweigh and far outnumber the vile, the venal, the vitriolic, the vulgar, the Palins, that we are cursed with and that seem to be a necessary evil and consequence of a free and open society. We should all hope that someday we can find in someone what Giffords and Kelly have found in each other and that no future Sarah Palins plague us with their presence.
“As love is reality, When you are near to me, I am in ecstasy I'd swallow the pain and pride Baby, I just can't hide all that I feel inside”
It’s feeling as if this may be a proper moment in time to lighten things up a bit here at “… and several butcher’s aprons.” The recent bountiful barrage of caustically controversial political pieces thankfully, remarkably and thrillingly, increased readership by almost twenty-fold. However, the sudden exposure to a much larger audience also brought with it responding streams of invectives heretofore not experienced. We learned, through this multiplied and more open interaction with the virtual universe that, for example, nycityman is “vile,” needs to take a long hard look at himself in the mirror, and is a writer whose talents are neither worthy of posting nor reading (the comment that most cut me to the quick, but admittedly, it is a quick in need of some minor cutting.) In certain quarters, I’ve been portrayed somewhat as a left-wing answer to Glenn Beck, and although I’d prefer Jeff Beck, I actually think that’s kind of fantastic in the sense that it’s very satisfying that someone is not only paying attention but is motivated enough to strongly comment and critique - whether it be of a positive or negative nature. But, for the present, a change of pace - return with us now to the thrilling days of yesteryear (Hi Ho Silver, away) to a calmer time, a more peaceful time, a time of love and joy, and a time of going to San Francisco wearing flowers in your hair – as we revisit “Saturday Song Selection.” We’ll play a memorable, beloved ditty, have some good-hearted merriment with birthday acknowledgments, and an enjoyable, innocent time will be had by all - suitable for readers of all ages and all political persuasions – sans preaching, pontificating and proselytizing. It’s been a long time, now I’m coming back home. I’ve been away now, oh how, I’ve been alone (wait - now there’s a great song, and although not the subject of this “Saturday Song Selection” it will be posted here as an extra added attraction.)
The Roots of The Grass Roots
Perhaps this is one of those bands of the classic rock era whose name you may just vaguely recognize. Maybe you can even recall one song of theirs, but more likely you can’t actually name any of them. Then you scan Sirius, happen upon an oldies station, and soon are singing along to one of the many Grass Roots hits you never before credited to them – “Midnight Confession,” “Wait a Million Years,” “Two Divided by Love,” “Temptation Eyes,” “Sooner or Later“… on and on (though not “On and On,“ the Stephen Bishop standard.) Some impressive facts - from 1967 to 1972, The Grass Roots set a record for being on the Billboard charts 307 straight weeks. They’re one of only nine bands that have charted twenty nine or more Top 100 Billboard singles. They have sold over twenty million records, and have earned one platinum album, two gold albums and thirteen gold singles. Considering their admirable achievements, their origins and history are a little unusual. In essence, the Grass Roots began as a fake assemblage – like the Archies, the New Kids on the Block or the 2012 Republican Presidential candidates - at first, not much more than a dream someone once had (or in the case of that GOP roster, a nightmare.) Songwriters, Steve Barri and P.F. Sloan were charged by Dunhill Records to compose some folk-rock songs, the burgeoning musical trend at the time. They penned a few and recorded them with studio musicians. Hits emerged and unexpectedly they had to put together an actual group to assume the mantle of the record label owned moniker, The Grass Roots. Initially, The Bedouins, an already existing band did the Clark Kent to Superman-like transformation and a pop-rock saga began. Yet the Bedouins lasted in this new incarnation for but for a short time and another group, The 13th Floor, replaced them to become the most successful, most stable line-up of what was to be an ever-evolving congregation. In total, 33 different members have passed through the Grass Roots, an organization as flexible, malleable and changeable as Mitt Romney’s convictions – nycityman is anxiously awaiting his opportunity. Among the many Rooters was Creed Bratton, now stretching his talents to portray Creed Bratton on “The Office.”
Saturday, November 5th Birthdays
1963 Tatum O'Neal - The youngest Academy Award winner in history, at age 10, for “Paper Moon,“ as daughter of Ryan O’Neal and ex-wife of John McEnroe, also the unfortunate recipient of the “Worst, Most Repugnant Men in Any Woman’s Life” honors. A relationship with the recently deceased Moammar Gadhafi would have been a step in the right direction for her.
1947 Peter Noone - Obviously his name wasn’t Herman and he really wasn’t a hermit, so for a career and persona built on maliciously contemptible, ugly and deceitful lies and obfuscations, designed to deceive millions of gullible young people throughout the world - a very likeable guy with a healthy catalog of hit songs to his credit. As a child he also acted in the eternally running British drama, “Coronation Street.” Eyewitnesses report that Mrs. Brown’s daughter was not nearly as lovely as consistently insisted on by Noone.
1941 Art Garfunkel - Primarily known through much of his career as “and Garfunkel,” a tradition later continued effectively by “and Oates,” his individual recognition grew with his Golden Globe nominated performance in “Carnal Knowledge.” He was, of course, half of the greatest duo of the rock music era, blessed with a distinctive and amazing voice and, most importantly, born in Queens, part of nycityman’s five borough domain.
1940 Elke Sommer - German-born actress and 1960’s and 70’s hot number, possibly best remembered for being the object of an unpleasantly aging Bob Hope’s distasteful film and TV lechery. The lustful “tiger-growl” just isn’t as comical or charming with the vibrating dentures.
1912 Natalie Schafer - The late Ms. Shafer appeared in 17 Broadway plays and dozens of Hollywood features from 1941 to 1989 and yet she is known solely for a role she played in a bad TV sitcom that lasted a mere 3 seasons - “Gilligan’s Island,” Author of the autobiography, “Cutely Refer to Me as Lovey One More Time and I Can’t Promise I’ll Be Accountable for My Actions with this Ice Pick… Dear,“ she and co-star, Jim Backus are personally responsible for the way every comedic actor has chosen to depict a wealthy person for the last four decades.
1911 Roy Rogers - We’re wishing happy trails to the “King of the Cowboys” wherever he may now be. Star of 100 films as well as a radio and TV series that ran a combined 15 seasons, and an inductee to the Country Music Hall of Fame; with “Queen of the West” wife, Dale Evans, he founded and supported numerous children’s charities. No joke here, it’s Roy Rogers, he was an icon and sometimes it’s good just to learn.
This song transports me back to childhood summer days and WABC radio. Although, it’s really just run of the mill, standard 60’s pop, it has greatness, and even if you’ve never heard it before see if you can stay still while listening. Presenting the Grass Roots with that love song of exaggeration, “Wait a Million Years” -
And as promised, and previously alluded to, a special “Saturday Song Selection” bonus - the Beatles and “Wait.”
Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Your 2012 Republican Candidates
“If they ask me who’s the President of Ubeki, beki, beki beki stan stan, I’m gonna’ say you know, I don’t know.”
His poll numbers are rising faster than Marcus Bachmann’s blood pressure at a K-Pop concert, but will this love affair last? Is this Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, or less-fortunately, Angelina and Billy Bob Thornton (sans blood vial necklaces)? Undeniably, Herman Cain is the Republican/Tea Party’s latest “flavor of the month,“ and while it is refreshingly unusual, unanticipated and unexpected that the GOP’s flavor would be chocolate, is this a genuine expansion of the Republican base and reach, or is this merely the political version of saying, “See, I’m not prejudiced, I have a black friend; and that Hank Aaron was a Hell of a ballplayer?” History, ideology and behavior suggest the latter. This is the Tea Party, keep in mind, the people who arrive at demonstrations carrying signs of Obama as an African witchdoctor, Obama in white face and of Obama and wife, Michelle, dressed as a pimp and prostitute. Are we to believe that these same citizens are suddenly enthusiastic for a Presidential election with two African-Americans running against each other? Will we next discover that they also voted for Carson Kressly and Chaz Bono on Dancing with the Stars? No, I fear it’s more likely that the average Tea Partier reaction would be to stock up on food, load up on ammunition and hide their daughters.
Currently we are awash in politics and punditry, and it will not only remain so, but obviously escalate as we draw closer to the 2012 Presidential Election. And even for a Beltway buff such as nycityman, this inundation of all things Washington can eventually become tedious and tiresome, but… not if you set it to music! So in this, the third entry of the 2012 Presidential campaign edition of “Over the Cuckoos Nest: Your Republican Candidates,” “… and several butcher’s aprons” presents, with chest-swelling pride, Herman “Pizza Man” Cain in 4/4 time. The proliferation and popularity of cocaine-themed pop hits produced during the classic rock era presented a plentiful and populous potpourri from which to pick. We’ve already alluded to the Grateful Dead’s “Casey Jones” in the title, and after days of deliberation and intense consultation, the judges decided to go with a song written by J.J. Cale and most famously performed by Eric Clapton, “Cocaine.” Before proceeding, may I suggest that you might like to bookmark this page, as a year or two from now someone may reference Herman Cain and, more than likely, all that name will stir is a vague, foggy, cloudy memory, that this little tune may help clarify.
If you’re thinking hey, gay Matrimony no way Herm Cain If a mosque’s where you pray Who will ban those prayers away? Herm Cain
He says 9 He says 9 He says 9 Herm Cain
Can be bought by a Koch And then serve him, no joke Herm Cain If you’re currently poor But you wanna’ pay some more Herm Cain
They say 9 They say 9 They say 9 Koch Cain
Want a Mexican fence Electrified for our defense? Herm Cain And a moat filled with crocs Should someone survive the shocks Herm Cain
He says die He says die He says die Herm Cain
Medicare is gone Soc Security passed on Herm Cain Right to choose is nixed Every man best just get fixed Herm Cain
He says 9 He says 9 He says 9 Herm Cain
Just say nein Just say nein Just say nein To Herm Cain
And now, as is our custom, in our wonderfully fair and balanced, totally unbiased and impartial way, the lampooned subject is given an opportunity to speak for themselves and therefore respond to the blogs acutely critical nature. So, with sincere apologies to Jack Handy – Deep Thoughts by Herman Cain.
“I don’t have facts to back this up, but I happen to believe that these demonstrations (Occupy Wall Street) are planned and orchestrated to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration.”
“The objective of the liberals is to destroy this country”
“I’m not sure what you mean by neo-Conservative. I’m not familiar with the neo-Conservative movement.’
“The war in Iraq was a mistake. There were a lot of benefits that came out of Iraq.”
“I don’t think the current minimum wage is necessary”
“Many African American have been brainwashed into just voting Democrat”
"It’s going to be 20 feet high. It’s going to have barbed wire on the top. It’s going to be electrified. And there’s going to be a sign on the other side saying, ‘It will kill you — Warning.’"
“Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the big banks. If you don’t have a job and you’re not rich, blame yourself.”
“I do not hear them proclaiming Hillary’s religious affiliation or her socialist tendencies, Barack Obama’s Muslim educational past or John Edwards’s distinctly socialist tendencies.”
“I was asked if I’d be comfortable with a Muslim, and I would not be comfortable with a terrorist in my cabinet.”
“And many of the Muslims, they are not totally dedicated to this country. They are not dedicated to our Constitution. Many of them are trying to force Sharia law on the people of this country.”
“There's this creeping attempt, there's this attempt, to gradually ease Sharia Law, and the Muslim faith into our government. It does not belong in our government”
“INTERVIEWER: You’re saying any community, if they want to ban a mosque? CAIN: Yes. They have a right to do that. That’s not discriminating based upon religion.”
And for what it’s worth, his pizza chain perpetuates negative Italian-American stereotypes.
Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Your 2012 Republican Nominees
“The people of the town are strange And they're proud of where they came” - Doobie Brothers
His poll numbers are dropping faster than the SAT scores at an all-Tea Party high school, and so before he joins the ever-burgeoning ranks of once promising front-runners; now irrelevant, future Fox News contributor, Republican Presidential candidates, “… and several butcher’s aprons" examines Texas governor, Rick Perry.
“He’s like Bush only without the brains,” - an anonymous, fellow Republican governor. There’s a statement to send chills up the spine - like George W. Bush, but lacking his stunningly mediocre intellectual capacities and curiosities - that’s like saying the next governor of New Jersey would be like Chris Christie only without the six pack, or a future governor of Alaska, like Sarah Palin but sans her devotion and dedication to duty. However, if one is to question the intelligence and cerebral capabilities of Governor Perry, it requires more than just snide similes and unsubstantiated allusions - in the name of accuracy and evenhandedness, it demands actual facts and figures, and when applicable and attainable, even words from the man himself. We here at “…and several butcher’s aprons” have never and will never post anything stated as fact that has not been researched and can not be verified as such; and beyond that, never let it be said that we will not make every possible effort, no matter the difficulty, risk of personal injury or even chance of incarceration, to obtain needed relevant and vital information. With that creed in mind, we rounded up the old Impossible Mission Force - the strong man, the electronics expert, the master of disguise and, of course, Cinnamon, the femme fatale - and at great personal expense, sent them to Texas A&M University for a daring and dangerous records robbery in an attempt to secure a copy of Rick Perry’s college transcript. Upon failure of said task and tragic, but required, cyanide pill ingestion, it was discovered that one merely need search on Yahoo Images and dozens of jpegs of Perry’s college career are there free for the taking and easy to download and save - all thanks to Al Gore and his fantastical internet machine. So, here for your amusement and leisurely personal perusal we proudly present, Governor Rick Perry’s Texas A&M college transcript.
As you can see for yourself, young Ricky Perry received a total of 2 “A’s,” out of 59 total letter grades during his 4 years at university. Again, the man who would like to lead the most powerful, consequential and complex nation, government and economy on the planet and who, in doing so, would become the most influential single individual in the world, managed to eke out 2 “A’s” out of 59 grades. This was a student who warranted more “C’s than Beanie and Cecil and earned more “D’s” than a Hollywood plastic surgeon. Recalled a Perry classmate in an interview with the Huffington Post, “A&M wasn't exactly Harvard on the Brazos River. This was not the brightest guy around. We always kind of laughed. He was always kind of a joke.” So, If ignorance is bliss, it appears that Rick Perry is a 4 year old with a brand new puppy, John Boehner with a fresh crate of Coppertone or Marcus Bachmann at a live “Glee” concert - and shouldn’t we really shoot for more than adequate, middling and just getting by when selecting the Commander in Chief of the greatest country the world has ever known?
Like all good Conservative’s Rick Perry is pro-life - unless you’re actually alive that is, and then he’s overseeing more lethal injections than a roadie at a Sex Pistols reunion tour. He‘s the Louis the 16th of the electric chair, the Annie Oakley of the firing squad, the Pat Sajak of the hangman’s noose. Rick “the Executioner” Perry is responsible for the executions of 234 people, among them, juveniles and the mentally disabled. Perry loves executing people like George W. Bush loved…. well, executing people - it seems to be a great Lone Star State tradition handed down from faux-Cowboy governor to faux-Cowboy governor. Perry’s also a very religious man, he’s held big prayer rallies (non-Protestants need not apply,) encouraged his fellow Texans to pray for rain during dry spells, yet Commandment number 6, “thou shalt not kill” has somehow missed his notice. Benjamin Franklin famously stated, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” well Dubya and Executioner Rick have adapted and updated that classic quote to, “In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death in Texas.” (Thank you, Chico Marx.) And speaking of the cowboy image shared and beloved by Bush and Perry, I believe as a nation it’s high time we mature passed this western, John Wayne cowboy, movie-hero, fictional character fixation. Bush and Reagan already played that B-movie role in the White House, do we really need a repeat performance? Can we stop elevating grown-up, macho little boys, holding them up as some sort of ideal and electing them to lead us? They’re not Butch and Sundance, they’re frat boys in Stetson hats and Dingo boots. I can buy those too, and in the heart of Manhattan, and that doesn’t mean I’m dueling at high noon, punchin’ little dogies and bedding dance hall girls (well, maybe I’m doing just that one.) We don’t have candidates running as genies or pirates, why cowboys?
Before sharing the sage declarations of the unlikely future leader of the free world, just a few more pertinent points -
Rick Perry, who’s running against the federal government as an almost evil entity, whose main stated objective is to make that government inconsequential in people’s lives, (standby for hypocrisy) accepted 17 billion dollars of that vile, heinous, Socialist Obama’s stimulus money, as well as a $1,000,000 federal government health reform grant from (shudder) “Obama-care,” and personally received $72,687 in federal farm subsidies between 1987 and 1989. It’s that influx of stimulus money from the big bad, enemy of the people federal government that played a large role in Texas’ economic solvency. Those funds were essential to balance the state budget that he boasts so proudly of doing.
Perry has said, and repeated frequently, that the stimulus package created zero jobs. The non-partisan congressional budget office counters that falsehood with the fact that, in reality, it saved or generated 1.6 million jobs. Even a “D” student should have the math acuity to sense a difference between those two figures. Repeat a lie often, and it’s still a lie.
Rick “Jefferson Davis” Perry, a man who loves the United States so much that he wishes to lead it on to better days, has threatened Texas secession from the Union - multiple times. And this from a candidate who called Ben Bernanke treasonous?
Governor Perry has enjoyed a long, no doubt, loving marriage, but his mistress and true soul-mate is Big Oil - for passionate Perry has made many a generous and ardent overture to that tempting Texas Tea. All wrapped up in a silver bow and a box from Tiffany’s he’s adoringly offered, among other things, ending all regulations on fracking and CO2 emissions, while disallowing any further regulating; allowing drilling on environmentally sensitive lands; slashing the EPA budget by 60%; and repealing tax incentives for the development of renewable energy while increasing tax subsidies to the oil companies. Now that's true infatuation.
And finally as sensitive and tasteless as this is, it must be mentioned that, since the 1980’s, the Perry family has leased a hunting ranch that goes by the name of “Niggerhead.” I assume no further commentary is necessary on this subject.
As always, in these Over the Cuckoos Nest political profiles, it’s the shrewd, astute and perceptive words of wisdom from the subjects themselves that best tell the tale and carry the day. Looking for ludicrous, embarrassing or obtuse Rick Perry quotes is akin to looking for condoms in a Kardashian’s nightstand or forged prescriptions in Rush Limbaugh’s desk - not quite the challenging search for the Holy Grail.
"Juarez is reported to be the most dangerous city in America." – referring to a city in Mexico
“When you have a clearly open homosexual scout leader, the scouts are going to talk about it. And they're not there to learn about that. They're there to learn about what it means to be loyal and trustworthy and thrifty.”
“Scouting ought to be about building character, not about sex. Period. Precious few parents enroll their boys in the Scouts to get a crash course in sexual orientation.”
"George W. Bush did a incredible job in the presidency." – the almost 4500 American soldiers and more than 110,000 Iraqi citizens lost in the Iraqi War might have an issue with that also, that is not a typo, he said “a incredible job…”
“It's a theory that's out there. It's got some gaps in it. In Texas we teach both Creationism and evolution." –Rick Perry, in response to a child who asked him if he believed in evolution
"From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented." —Rick Perry, on the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico
"Texas is a unique place. When we came in the union in 1845, one of the issues was that we would be able to leave if we decided to do that. You know, my hope is that America and Washington in particular pays attention. We've got a great union. There is absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what may come out of that?”
"If this guy prints more money between now and the election. I don't know what y’all would do to him in Iowa, but we -- we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in American history is almost treacherous -- or treasonous in my opinion." - threatening the life of the head of the Federal Reserve
“Young Hispanics in Texas can aspire to be the next Rolando Pablos, the chairman of the Texas racing commission; maybe the next Roberto de Hoyos, who heads our economic development shop; and one of my favorites, the head of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission Jose Cuevas. Is that awesome? That is the right job for that man." –Rick Perry, bombing with a joke about Jose Cuervo tequila while speaking before a Latino convention
“I think in America from time to time we have to go through some difficult times — and I think we’re going through those difficult economic times for a purpose, to bring us back to those Biblical principles of you know, you don't spend all the money. You work hard for those six years and you put up that seventh year in the warehouse to take you through the hard times. And not spending all of our money. Not asking for Pharaoh to give everything to everybody and to take care of folks because at the end of the day, it's slavery. We become slaves to government.”
“If you don’t support the death penalty and citizens packing a pistol, don’t come to Texas.”
And now we stay in Texas as the Doobie Brothers perform a song with a legendary, and instantly recognizable, opening riff - “China Grove.”
Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Your 2012 Republican Nominees
“I'm not a deep thinker on all of this. I wish I was. I wish I was more knowledgeable.”
Michele Bachmann’s presence in the race for the GOP Presidential nomination allows “… and several butcher’s aprons” to happily revive a series began in 2010, “Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Your Republican Nominees.” We previously featured Carl “I’ll kick your ass” Paladino, Sharron “Second Amendment remedies” Angle and Christine “I am not a witch” O’Donnell. Should you be interested, and where would I be if you were not, the links for each will be posted below.
Thankfully, if you do what I do, trying to make funny out of politics - a subject that largely leans much more toward the malicious than the mirthful - you have to thank your lucky stars that the Republicans, once again, are fielding a fine assemblage of comically incomprehensible and inconsequential candidates - more Section 8 than 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. One might suggest, if one had such callousness in them and certainly nycityman does not, that a more appropriate location for the 2012 Republican National Convention, rather than the planned Tampa’s St. Pete Times Forum would be New York City’s Bellevue Hospital. Some might even suggest that this field has more nuts in it than Grandma’s Christmas fruitcake, more loons than a Eurasian aviary and more screwballs than Tug McGraw’s left arm (for you non-Met fans, go with “more crack pots than a china shop on the San Andreas fault” or “more whack jobs than a Corleone family baptism“) - but you’ll never read such slander on this forum.
In a party and occupation where flagrant falsification and promiscuous prevarication is the expected mode of behavior, Bachmann is the rabbit at the dog track - she’s the pace setter. Amidst a rogues gallery that in better days couldn’t have competed for summer, day-camp president, never the less President of these United States; among this destitute collection of wanna-be and never was GOP pretenders; this assortment of oddities and eccentrics that would have been rejected from the Island of Misfit Toys - Michele is to the lie, as Segovia was to the guitar, Astaire to the dance and Alfalfa to the croon - a fantastical fabricator of facts and phrases. Lest you suspect I advance such claims haphazardly, referring to one of the early GOP debates - “Politifact.com, the Pulitzer Prize-winning fact checking service, found 17 of Bachmann's 24 statements to be false.“ And should you desire more evidence that Bachmann tends to the extreme in every possible arena, there is the fact that she has had 23 foster children. That’s not fostering, that’s hoarding. Michele Bachmann collects kids like Home Shopping Network devotees do cubic zirconians and Hummel figurines.
So now we present Michele Bachmann in her own words - Michele Bachmann of whom Sigmund Freud would have bemoaned, “oh man, even I can’t do anything for her, let Jung take a shot.” - translated from the original Austrian, of course. She of the frighteningly frozen, wide-eyed gaze - a silent movie-like, facial expression that constantly communicates a perpetual state of being goosed. A woman Will Rogers would have met and proclaimed, “okay I take it back. “ A politician whose list of lies is longer than the Desperate Housewives’ cast botox injection schedule. When you read the untruths, the malice, the pure ignorance present in Bachmann’s statements, you’ll wish she had demanded the same level of excellence (or at least proficiency) for herself that she does for immigrants. For those hopeful Americans, she stipulates they be capable with English, knowledgeable in American history and conversant on the Constitution - with those standards, if Michele was a foreigner desirous of citizenship, her most likely pathway would be through a loveless, business-arrangement of a marriage, and we know that is something she would certainly never contemplate.
Bachmann’s solution to the country‘s economic crisis -“I think if we give Glenn Beck the numbers, he can solve this [the national debt].”
On the dangers of (gasp) homosexuality - “Why is it so dangerous? It leads to the personal enslavement of individuals. Because if you’re involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it’s bondage. Personal bondage, personal despair, and personal enslavement.”
More on the dangers of homosexuality - “He goes home then, and says ‘Hey mom, what’s gayness? We had a teacher talking about this today.’ The mother says, ‘Well, that’s when a man likes other men and they don’t like girls.’ The boy’s 8, he’s thinking, ‘I don’t like girls. I like boys. Maybe I’m gay.’ … You don’t think that’s intentional, the message that’s being given to these kids? That’s child abuse.”
A note - Michele’s intolerance, revulsion and abhorrence of homosexuals, with the possible exception of her husband, Marcus, is legend, and easily dominates any presentation of Bachmann bon mots.
“The immediate consequence, if gay marriage goes through, is that K-12 little children will be forced to learn that homosexuality is normal, natural and perhaps they should try it.”
''And what a bizarre time we're in, when a judge will say to little children that you can't say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.''
On her second favorite evil - “Yet he continues to push his far-left, socialist agenda on the American people. And today, he has declared war on marriage. I will continue to do everything in my power to fight back against Barack Obama’s attacks on marriage “
"I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."
''We will talk a little bit about what has transpired in the last 18 months and would we count what has transpired into turning our country into a nation of slaves.''
Conversations with her top political advisor - “I said Lord, what would you have me do in the Minnesota State Senate? And just through prayer I knew that I was to introduce the marriage amendment in Minnesota.”
"I don't know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We've had an earthquake; we've had a hurricane. He said, 'Are you going to start listening to me here?'
Her astounding grasp of American history - "But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. ... I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly -- men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country."
And finally, Michele speaks with the first African American Chairman of the Republican National Committee in a parlance with which she feels he will be most comfortable - “'Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man!''?
Next time, on “Over the Cuckoo's Nest: Your 2012 Republican Nominees” - Rick “the Executioner” Perry - “When you have a clearly open homosexual scout leader, the scouts are going to talk about it. And they're not there to learn about that. They're there to learn about what it means to be loyal and trustworthy and thrifty.”
And now, legendary garage band The Knickerbockers, with “Lies" - after which you'll find the aforementioned links to the earlier essays.
“We can change the world Rearrange the world It’s dying - to get better” - Graham Nash
One single, solitary individual with absolutely no connections, no political pull and an extremely limited number of hair follicles (okay, this is irrelevant, but I needed a third thing for pacing and rhythm) trying to start a nation-wide and hopefully, influential political movement – just how out of control is the sense of self-worth and self-regard of nycityman?! Well, in this era of exploding social media when cats getting tickled and homeless people boxing tournaments reap thousands, if not millions, of views and followers, why not give something positive a shot? Impossible, you retort? Well, nothing's impossible I have found, for when my chin is on the ground, I pick myself up, dust myself off, start all over again (maybe that wasn’t me but rather Fred Astaire.) So, as a natural outgrowth of “… and several butcher’s aprons” I proudly and egotistical announce a further expansion of the sticking of my nose into other people’s business, and the proselytizing of my know-it-all political opinions, with the HUMANitea PARTY MOVEMENT (look at those caps, this must be important.) Simply stated, our goal is to bring rationality, humanity and compassion to political discourse and policy, and to counter the corporate agenda of the Tea Party. We are the anti-Tea Party. My motivation for such an endeavor – the recent depressing and chillingly positive, almost giddy, audience reactions at the recent GOP debates to the concept of the deaths of fellow American citizens - or perhaps I’m just desperately trying anything to elevate myself to such a position of power that no woman would ever consider spurning my advances again – you decide.
At present, HUMANitea PARTY MOVEMENT exists on but a Facebook page, but soon we hope to grow and expand to other media as well. In the meanwhile, the link to the page is attached in this posting and will permanently be in the list of links on the right side of the blog. Below is the HUMANitea Manifesto as published on Facebook.
I can’t do anything alone so, seriously I implore you, if you find anything to your liking here, please join the movement and share with like-minded companions. Much obliged, “we can change the world.”
HUMANitea PARTY MOVEMENT Manifesto
Putting rationality, compassion, humanity, equality and tolerance back into the political discourse and placing people above corporations - the Humanitea Party is a true, genuine grassroots political movement, and an answer to the corporate created and corporate financed, faux grassroots movement that is the Tea Party. We promote true traditional American values of freedom and fairness and acceptance of all, and not the anti-minority, anti-poor, anti-immigrant, anti-working class interests that the Tea Party, its corporate overlords and the rest of the Extreme Right endorse as their form of American values. A primary goal is to counter the Tea Party - to counter the influence, to counter the falsehoods, to counter the big business agenda. We must oppose the negative, verbally violent, anti-American rhetoric of their movement which inevitably creates the type of atmosphere that leads to the joyous and jubilant reactions to executions and uninsured dying that we recently witnessed at GOP debates. Built on a foundation of lies and deception, the Tea Party uses the suffering working class to unwittingly further the power, wealth and influence of the affluent and the business interests - all masked by the flag and the cross, and disguised as a movement for the benefit of the middle class.
“We can change the world, rearrange the world, it’s dying - to get better.” We may indeed be capable of changing the world, but in order to do so - where now we are few, we need to be many. As individuals we are powerless, but as an assemblage of individuals, we are empowered. Thanks to technology - thanks to Facebook, thanks to Twitter, thanks to emails, Skyping, texting, smart phones, tablets, thanks to every little wonder of the world wide web - anybody and everybody can have a voice now - how one chooses to use that voice is of supreme importance. You can have a voice and just make a calculated and caustic cacophony like the Tea Party or you can have a voice and with it affect your country and society in constructive ways - and that is the foundation of, and the reason for, the existence of the Humanitea Party. This is a movement for progressive, positive change, Humanitea believes in science, history, facts - supports enrichment, education and enlightenment in any and all its forms. This page should be a place for a civil and intelligent exchange of ideas - never juvenile name-calling or hate speak - a forum to discuss issues, policies and candidates; and of equal importance, whenever possible, an environment to attempt to right wrongs, to correct injustices, to defend the defenseless. I encourage everyone to post on here whenever made aware of political or social issues, inequities or injustices they feel need be addressed.
Please join me and do so swiftly, we’ve only got until the 2012 election to turn this tide of intolerance, this fear of knowledge and facts, this disregard for science and history, this lack of human kindness, compassion or charity, this taking from the poor to give to the rich that has been embraced by so many in American politics and now infiltrates the Republican Party, muting its more moderate members. Humanity must always play a principal part of the political process and the needs of people must always remain absolute.
“Tears of rage, tears of grief... Come to me now, you know We're so alone And life is brief” - Bob Dylan
Dedicated to my fellow New Yorkers who behaved so bravely, boldly, calmly and resolutely; to those who lost loved ones and to those very loved ones who have left us. We came together, we pulled together, we supported each other - as we always do. We of the most diverse population in the nation, if not the world - we of every language, religion, culture, sexual and ethnic background - we who unite as one, time and time again because our differences aren’t a weakness but our greatest strength. We may in some ways be dissimilar but ultimately we are the same - with our regard, our respect, our embracing of our differences and the eventual melding of them that makes us the richest and strongest culture in the word. It is the might and power of our diversity that unites us and makes us above all - New Yorkers. Some express distaste when faced with unfamiliar garb and tradition and language; but when I stroll 8th avenue and, within just a few blocks, hear a multitude of tongues being spoken, I smile in appreciation of the rich, wonderful variety of peoples and customs and beliefs that I am so fortunate to live among,
A common question occurs around every anniversary of this day and that is - should September 11th be declared a national holiday? A day of sacrifice, contribution and recognition of valor and lives lost - appropriate. A day of reflection, of contemplation, of mourning – undoubtedly so. But as a culture with such a foundation of, and an unwavering commitment to, capitalism, commercialism and consumerism, how soon before what began as day of solemn commemoration converts into one of mattress sales, final beach outings and barbeques? We need look no further than Memorial Day for proof that such an unfortunate transformation is likely inevitable.
Of course, every American has their own stories and their own recollections - memories of that horrific day are not in short supply - so I will share but a few, brief personal reflections. I think of the visiting firefighter from West Virginia that I met in a souvenir store in Times Square - he was searching for a pleasant memento of his trip, perhaps to help balance the very unpleasant recollections he would be taking home with him from the sad site where he was bravely voluntarily toiling. He was here to try to save lives and to bring a home a Big Apple snow globe; I was there in search of an American flag pin. And all I could think to say was to express my sincere thanks. A decade later our nation is divided unlike any time since the Civil War, but on that day he wasn’t from a red state, I wasn’t from a blue state, we were from the United States, and unfortunately that feeling appears all but lost.
For days I couldn’t tear myself away from the 24-hour news coverage - initially watching it mostly with a feeling of absolute disbelief which, when acceptance of the events finally sunk in, changed first into sadness and sorrow, but then into a seething rage. I found myself feeling an intense and ugly anger, a pure blinding hatred, a desire for reaction and revenge - done swiftly and even violently - that I had never experienced before and have not since. At times while watching the events on television, my eyes would well with tears, not necessarily tears of grief, but rather tears of rage. Not an uncommon reaction I imagine and one that would explain the outpouring of pent-up relief and jubilation that followed the assassination of Osama Bin Laden. People may criticize the joyous reactions of many Americans, but it was a genuine and necessary release, one long overdue and one needed for the continued healing of our nation.
Returning to the New York-centric theme of my remembrance (I am nycityman, after all) I want to continue with two quotes taken from a conversation on a recent episode of “the Chris Matthews Show” that nicely address some of the special nature of my metropolis and its exceptional inhabitants - in this case, in relation to September 11th.
Howard Fineman, Huffington Post - “Even right near Ground Zero and all over New York today, New York is alive more than ever, that is the Mecca for everybody on the East Coast, for every kid from all over the United States and still from around the world. The sense of creativity and possibility in NY remains undiminished.”
Jamie Tarabay, an Australian-born journalist from the National Journal, “The first time I arrived in America…I landed in New York and I went down to Ground Zero and I met New Yorkers and it just struck me how Al Qaeda had basically picked the wrong place, they picked on the wrong people. They just didn’t understand the mentality of New Yorkers… they are themselves, they are unique to this country… New Yorkers were like, ‘is that it. Is that all you’ve got? We are going to move on, we are who we are, and we are going to continue.’”
I fantasize about a future life in London or Paris, but in reality, I wonder if New York is really the only place I could ever happily live.
To very properly conclude, a beautiful commemorative song written by my extremely talented friend, Ed Kessel, “Voice of Freedom - a 9/11 Tribute.”
“The exact phrase 'separation of Church and State’ came out of Adolph Hitler’s mouth, that’s where it comes from. So the next time your liberal friends talk about the separation of Church and State, ask them why they’re Nazis.” - Glen Urquhart, Tea Party Congressional Candidate from Delaware.
“He (Barack Obama) has no place in any station of government and we need to realize that he is an enemy of humanity.” – Tea Party Rep. Trent Franks of Arizona
“Stupid is as stupid does.” - Forrest Gump
"Hey, who you callin' a Tea Bagger?!"
Why not call them Tea Baggers, even if some now find that phraseology offensive? At their genesis they proudly proclaimed themselves such, ludicrously yet lovingly, suspending Salada’s from their singularly silly chapeaus. Should others be regarded responsible for the fact that they lacked the worldliness and knowledge to be familiar with its more lascivious meaning? Although truly, what more accurately expresses lasciviousness - a sexual act performed by consenting adults or an organization whose ultimate goal is to pervert and transform the greatest republic the world has ever known into an immigrant, minority and working class oppressing plutocracy? Far be it from me to proffer counseling to Tea Baggers, but I say, why not embrace and empower the name? So what if doing so conjures up specific imagery of genitalia and genitalia based activities - genitalia have their place. You’re all God-fearers, believing him to be, much like Carnac, all-seeing, all-knowing, infallible – God created man, and man arrived replete with genitalia. So, indeed, embrace the genitalia, my friends (figuratively or literally, your choice.) Embrace the genitalia! (a possible powerful future party rallying cry?)
We now, unfortunately, find ourselves residing in a new post-Tea Party, Earth 2, Bizzaro World, where everything that was once considered positive is now considered negative – education, knowledge, diversity, open-mindedness, human-rights, charity, acceptance and tolerance – all now deemed dangerous, destructive and deleterious; and presently believed beneficial under the Rocket’s Red Glare - superstition, hatred, small-mindedness, corporate-rights, selfishness, bigotry and intolerance. The age of science and enlightenment appears over, as the Tea Party ushers in a neo-dark ages where “real Americans” no longer believe in science, evolution, climate change – truth or facts. We’ve entered an era of a new ruling class of the un-intelligentsia; a time when education is looked down upon as being “elitist” and ignorance is commended. Where we once embraced and encouraged the best and the brightest, we now support and celebrate the worst and the witless. And, in what may be the most sobering series of syllables strung together since the development of the written word, we’ve gone from John Adams and Thomas Jefferson to Sarah Palin and Rick Perry; and we’ve allowed their like to lamely lead us from the Land of Opportunity to the Land of the Lost.
The Founding Fathers “This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it.”- John Adams
“Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law." - Thomas Jefferson
The Tea Party’s co-opting of the Founding Fathers, as political and social kindred spirits, is just a sad jest that they are very unlikely to get. The Founding Fathers represented everything that the Baggers abhor and consider elitist. They weren’t regular folks, they weren’t Joe the Plumber. Most were well-educated, men of science, men of arts, inventors, free thinkers, writers, world travelers (at a time when that was no easy task) they spoke multiple languages, were well-read and highly valued education, learning and knowledge. Some were well-heeled land-owners, the high-society of their day. Regarding the party's insistence that the intent of our founders was to establish a Christian nation based on Christian values, well, I fear that belief is merely a flight of fancy, as they were stalwartly against the intrusion of religion into government; and despite current au courant assertions from the Right, many were not even Christian - Franklin, Jefferson, Madison, Washington – none were Christian, Deists, one and all.
“The government of the United States is not in any sense founded upon the Christian religion.” - John Adams
In light of the fact that Tea Party favorites and Presidential candidates, Rick Santorum, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry have all signed marriage pacts that, among other absurdities, state that African American families were better off during slavery than they are now, perhaps the only thing the Baggers would have in common with the Founding Fathers would be their tolerance toward slavery. (If one could only make John Adams fantastically appear, Marshall McLuhan in Annie Hall-like, at a Bachmann rally to hear him stoically state to the armed assembly, “you know nothing of my work.”)
Grass Roots Movement? Alas, despite popular mythology, the only thing grass roots about the Tea Party would be their 45rpm recording of “Midnight Confessions.” The party was founded and funded by the billionaire, oil-magnate Koch brothers - the pair behind the Tea Party Express - and their corporate cronies, as well as by former Representative Dick Armey (insert juvenile name jibe here) and his pro-big business, anti-freedom organization, Freedom Works. The naïve, uninformed Baggers are being used as pawns by the powerful and wealthy to help further their commercial and capital agenda at the great expense of the poor and middle class. Historically, this has been a country of the haves versus the have-nots, where the haves have traditionally stifled the have-nots so as to retain power and influence among their own ranks. The unique and wonderful thing about our nation is that eventually the downtrodden, through hard work and some minor government intervention, have been able to rise up through the system and socially and financially better themselves. The working class has always fought for their rights and their right to advance. That’s how it was, now welcome the Tea Party as, inexplicably, for the very first time in American history, we are involved in a situation where the workers have aligned themselves with their oppressors - against government intervention and the labor unions and their own betterment, and have gleefully and voluntarily, hastened their own decline. It’s quite remarkable and to be brutally honest, quite imbecilic. And why would they do that? Although Paul Simon says in Kodachrome, “my lack of education hasn’t hurt me none,” the reality has proven to be the contrary. Where once laborers organized, protested, struck, formed unions and guilds (all considered anti-American, socialist tactics now), wrote books and essays and articles and expressed themselves; they now rally against unions, against change, against self-expression, against advancement – in many ways against freedom itself. This is the Tea Party - fighting, and fighting hard, to keep themselves under the thumb of the modern robber barons. How do the privileged and powerful so successfully foster this societal self-immolation? – fly the flag of Jesus and patriotism, add in some minor mistrust of gays, foreigners, immigrants and women’s rights, and the Baggers will follow you like a Kardashian following an NBA team bus. The corporate slave-masters are hankering to “return with us to the thrilling days of yesteryear” (hi-ho Silver, away) to a falsely idyllic, pre-Union period - no overtime, no breaks, no minimum or live-able wage, no healthcare or paid sick days, no limit on hours required to work, no concern for safety conditions, no insurance, no vacation time, no child labor laws - and the Tea Baggers are just toothlessly grinning up at them and blissfully begging, “please sir, may I have some more.”
Taxed Enough Already – founded on a falsehood The very foundation of the Tea Party, the very acronym for which it stands, is perhaps the largest lie of all. Stop Baggers on the street (they’ll be the ones toting their King James, their AK47s, and their misspelled signs, while sporting oh-so fashionable, tri-corner hats) and they’ll be more than thrilled to school you on the treachery and treason of the insane tax levels levied on the American public and their precious corporate overlords by vile, Marxist Barack Hussein – except that’s a complete and utter prevarication very easily disproved. What they steadfastly refuse to accept as fact, is fact - we are currently experiencing the lowest tax rates in 60 years. Obama has lowered taxes five times through numerous programs and for 95% of the American population – oooh, I shake my fist angrily at you cursed Kenyan!! Yes, in other words the Taxed Enough Already group has no true reason to even exist but to promote the corporate socialism for which it actually toils.
Epilogue (Just like a Quinn Martin Production) A CBS/NY Times Polls shows that while 21% of the population has expressed support for the Tea Party Movement, only 4% actually consider themselves party members. So, miniscule minority, I beseech you, deter yourselves from attempting to make the other 96% of us as intolerant, ignorant and ignominious as you. Like the similarly hateful Know Nothing Party of the 1850’s, these haters too shall pass into history and be as forgotten to future generations as science, history and facts are to them. There’s nothing real, there’s nothing genuine, there’s nothing honest, there’s nothing patriotic about the Tea Party. It’s time we stop deferring to them, and it’s time we stop referring to them, as a grassroots movement of real Americans; believers and defenders of truth, justice and the American way. The Tea Party is considerably composed of two groups - unenlightened, uneducated, uninformed, racist, newly-anarchist, working class; and the big business billionaires who pull their strings and, to a sizeable extent, control their every word, deed and thought.
Embrace the genitalia!
Now, with a twinge of hopeful optimism, the great Nat King Cole performs, “The Party’s Over.”
We conclude our narcissistic and lazy anniversary commemoration with this second and final encore presentation - a timely Labor Day entry dedicated to the show business legend that is Jerry Lewis. Taking Jerry away from us this weekend is like removing Santa from Christmas (sorry, this is a secular site,) Obama from May Day (he is a Communist, right? That’s what I keep reading) or the Little Rascals from Arbor Day (an extremely obscure and specific reference so you’ll just have to trust me on this one.)
Perhaps there may exist no one, even in the exceedingly conceited confines of the entertainment arena, who exhibits a larger ego, a more annoying nature and who could possibly be more legendarily difficult to deal with. But, with all that being said, this is a person who’s also given decades of his life to the Muscular Dystrophy Association, and should be respected and admired for doing so. And so we honor a man who has experienced much dishonor of late; a man who gives and gives and gives... until you give him credit. A man who gives and gives and gives until it hurts… any sense of proper decorum, good taste and our sensibilities. Who gives and gives and gives until it hurts… us to have to watch him. We pay tribute to a superstar who has made dozens, nay, hundreds laugh with naught but a well-timed, “lady!” or a pair of prosthetic buck teeth and an overtly, offensive Asian accent, Of course, I kid Jerry as he’s known to take it so well. And to the board of the MDA, who removed Jerry from this event and his chairmanship, I do seriously say - how dare you? Jerry should be permitted to draw his final breath on the stage of the MDA Labor Day telethon if that is what he wishes - it’s not as if he hasn’t died on television before (rimshot.)
Finally, we also recognize late manic comedian, Charlie Callas who, since the initial posting of this piece, has left us for the great comedy club in the clouds.
“You get up every morning
From your alarm clock's warning
Take the 8:15 into the city
There's a whistle up above
And people pushing, people shoving" - Randy Bachman
While it is a widely held belief that the Labor Day holiday was created by, mercurial comedy legend, Jerry Lewis in order to facilitate once-yearly television appearances for show business pals Norm Crosby, Jack Jones and Charo - coochi, coochi - this, in fact, is not the case. Let’s let the U.S. Department of Labor shed some light.
“Labor Day is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.” Well said, Department of Labor, we’ll miss you when the tea-baggers take over, but for now, this is a day to salute all of the working people. Let the Republicans cater to the top 1% wealthy ruling class, they may have the other 364 days - but today, break out that Kingsford charcoal or charge that Samsung 55 inch 3D LED TV, half off today and today only, at PC Richards, or sit stewing and cursing in your Camry stuck for 6 desperate hours in teeming turnpike traffic, just for the pleasure of spending barely 2 hours on an almost lethally crowded beach - because this is your day. Let the plutocracy eat cake!
In 1894, 22nd and 24th President of the United States, Grover Cleveland proclaimed the first Monday of every subsequent September - Labor Day. Of course, if such a notion of celebrating “labor” and the “worker” was proffered today it would, no doubt, be portrayed as further evidence of the evil, creeping, Kenyan, Muslim, Obama Socialism and most likely would never survive a Senate filibuster.
To all of those who did toil today so that the majority of workers who did not could enjoy their leisure time even more fully - to the waitresses, bartenders, bus drivers, cabbies, store clerks, chefs and so on and so on - we extend our gratitude and appreciation.
So, thanks Charlie Callas, and kudos Amazing Kreskin, and much appreciation Buddy Greco - we crave your annual visits. Most of all, thank you, Jerry Lewis. You may be, perhaps, a tad intense at times but we value the many years of good charitable work as well as your urbane comedy stylings - the long-flamed lighter burning the nose hairs bit never gets old. But at this time of tragically high unemployment - when Congressional Republicans block job bill after job bill, delay legitimately earned unemployment benefits and refer to jobless workers in terms such as "lazy" and "hobos," it's particularly appropriate to recognize and thank America's work force.
In further recognition of the miracle of, "... and several butcher's aprons" making it, kicking and screaming, to its first anniversary (miracle being a relative term here - not water into wine miracle nor an Annie Sullivan level miracle - but as my attention span is usually more akin to that of a Sugar Pops, washed down with a Juicy Juice box consuming, Backyardigans viewing toddler, I will indulge myself with some minor back-pattery (yes, that word is completely made up but feel free to spread its use.
As the original intent of the blog was as an outlet for my Godless, anti-American, Marxist (umm, I mean Liberal/Progressive) rants, this re-posting is of the most viewed, thereby most popular, political essay. The subject, even when originally scribed a year ago, is somewhat obscure and at this point, definitely dated, but it still gets read by a few people every day and its tally continues to grow. So, with much gratitude, re-presenting, "Baby Ka-Boom: The Rise of the Terror Baby."
“They’re coming to get you, Barbara” - Night of the Living Dead
Modern day Republicans spread lies like Elvis spread bacon fat on fried banana sandwiches – with enthusiasm, gusto and pride. And, as with Elvis, while they might enjoy some short term gain, in the long run, there’s bound to be undesirable consequences. They’ve lied to you about the grand malevolence of gay marriage, for instance. Regarding the recent ruling in the Golden State, disgraced and forced to resign former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, had this to say -
“Judge Walker's ruling overturning Prop 8 is an outrageous disrespect for our Constitution and for the majority of people of the United States who believe marriage is the union of husband and wife.”
This is a topic of some expertise for Newt as this thrice married, serial philanderer does know a thing or two about destroying marriages. But unless a straight couple and a gay couple are trying to book the same Saturday in June, or are fighting over the last Lennox gravy boat in stock at Macy’s needed to complete their settings, I just don’t see the problem.
Then there’s Death Panels - a concept that came to Sarah Palin when she nodded off one night, mukluks in place after one too many hot toddies, during a Cinemax showing of Logan’s Run.
But, of course, the vast majority of right-wing political “truth-stretching” involves the legitimately, legally elected, Barack Obama whom, they have taught us, is a Kenyan born, Marxist, Nazi, Islamic terrorist trying to brainwash American school children and traveling the world to espouse the evils of the country he has set out to destroy - the United States. To delve into such a disparate and desperate level of prevarication there is obviously something about him that the right is just not O-KKK with. I wish I could put my finger on it.
And now there’s the latest bit of fear-mongering from the GOP, and by far my personal favorite, scary babies! Apparently thinking that there’s no bridge too far for the Snuggie buying, American public they want you to fear babies - Evil Death Babies! Now, the Evil Death Babies (patent pending - heretofore to be referred to as EDBs) come in two categories depending on which constituency your representative is pandering to at the time. For people who distrust Jimmy Smits, the EDBs are called Anchor Babies. If, instead, you’re suspicious of Christiane Amanpour, then the EDB’s are called Terror Babies - a much more colorful and dramatic moniker. I’m not precisely sure how the Terror Baby plan is supposed to work, as I’m not clinically insane, but I do know that it involves terrorist moms coming here, giving birth to new American citizen EDB’s (curse that 14th Amendment) taking them back home to Terrorkistan, where they then spend the next 30 years teaching them to hate the New York Yankees, TGI-Fridays and relaxed fit jeans with built-in-comfort, elastic waist bands
However, while universally recognized as a crafty, very dangerous and thoroughly fictional foe, there are ways to defend against and disarm the Terror Baby. They can, for example, be easily distracted for long periods of time by the mere jangling of shiny keys in front of their cherubic, yet vile, faces. If you wish to momentarily win over a TB (Terror Baby) it is believed that they utterly enjoy the company of a doggy, particularly a “Mommy, look a big doggy,“ doggy. So be sure to stay well stocked, canine-wise, at all times. But, the most valuable and lethal of all the weapons at your disposal is, of course, the binky. Nothing is more effective than the well-timed placement of a binky into the depraved, little, foul mouth of your cunning adversary. Once lulled by the comforting sensations of said binky, the baby can then be apprehended and brought to justice where the little demon will eventually be placed, without benefit of trial or hearing, in the Terror Baby Wing of Gitmo - Elmo.
If only the far-right weren’t so reckless, mean-spirited and poisonous - and such a danger to our nation, its people and its future - they would be so amusing.
