The Ballad of Carl Paladino
Where do you roam?
Far, far from home.”
He’s an admitted and proud philanderer. He angrily told his opponent that he would, “take him out,“ after physically challenging him and questioning his manhood. He’s threatened the life of a newspaper reporter (not that it’s the first life threatened by a Republican/Tea Party candidate - isn’t that right, Sharron Angle?). And he’s certifiably, bat-guano crazy. Is he currently spending time in a federal penitentiary or a state institution for the mentally insane? No, he’s currently spending time on the campaign trail, because he’s your 2010 Republican Gubernatorial Nominee from the great state of New York. Yes, the slate of Republican candidates continues to look more and more like something from the mind of Ken Kesey, and Carl Paladino is certainly no exception. The Teabaggers like to claim the ethical and moral high-ground, but as long as you’re not Black, or Mexican, or Muslim, or Gay or Jewish you’re in. And as far as IQ requirements - they don’t even know how to spell it.
Now, let’s begin our journey through the mind of Carl Paladino. But first, be sure the little ones are in another room - plant them in front of the plasma and let them regale in the adventures of the square-trouser-sporting cleaning implement, or in the songs of the schizophrenic daughter of the pudgy, mullet-wearing country crooner, or in the lessons learned on the pre-school avenue that has vehemently denied the existence of breasts - because I can promise you one thing, this won’t be pleasant and this won’t be pretty.
In an attempt to prove that he’s not just soft in the head but he’s soft-hearted as well, compassionate Carl has a unique plan to aid those in our society who find themselves financially less fortunate. If you are a New Yorker currently subsisting on public assistance, Paladino will forcibly remove you from your place of residence and transfer you to your new dwelling - a renovated prison cell. Mom, Dad, Little Suzie and Bobby, and don’t forget Gramps, would all now call the pokie, home sweet home. Then, the incarcerated clan will toil in state-sponsored jobs with prison guards serving as their empathetic counselors.
"Instead of handing out the welfare checks, we'll teach people how to earn their check. We'll teach them personal hygiene ... the personal things they don't get when they come from dysfunctional homes,"
That from a fellow who clearly knows a thing or two about dysfunction. But, his social engineering doesn’t end there for his sympathetic soul knows no bounds. One of his first acts as governor would be to cut Medicaid by 20 billion dollars - an action which would essentially take medical care away from those poverty-stricken citizens who have not previously been placed in prison.
As the father of two daughters - one by his wife, and one by his mistress - Carl has a particular interest in issues that greatly affect women. So, as is also the case with most of the other Tea Party candidates, Paladino opposes abortion in all instances with no exceptions.
His sympathetic stance is seen here in this CNN interview with Rick Sanchez -
“Sanchez: Should a woman have a right to an abortion if she’s been raped?
Sanchez: She should not? She should have to have the baby?
Paladino: The baby can be adopted.
Sanchez: What if it’s a case of incest?
Paladino: The baby can be adopted, yes.”
Paladino’s legendary open-mindedness, class and intellect have been on display in many other ways in this campaign as well. From his referring to State Assembly Speaker, Sheldon Silver, who is Jewish, as “an Antichrist or a Hitler,” to his proclaiming climate change a “farce,” to his calling former governor George Pataki a "degenerate idiot,” after receiving his endorsement. But clearly Carl’s most conspicuous quality, even more so than the many enviable others, is his celebrated sense of humor. His remarkable wit has shown him to be, nothing less than, “the Baudelaire of Buffalo.” Some humorists specialize in the written word. Some are monologists. Carl’s province, almost his raison d'être, is the email. He has beguiled, charmed and amused those fortunate enough to be on his contact list with such droll, sophisticated and utterly tasteful comic images as - a photo showing a group of black men trying to get out of the way of an airplane chasing them across a field with a caption reading, “Run, (n-word), run.” Then there’s the doctored photo of President and Mrs. Obama, dressed in stereotypical pimp and prostitute-wear, entering a White House formal affair. For those who prefer their humor more sexual and less racist, Paladino has also emailed a video clip of a couple having sex, which he called “a keeper,” and a photo of a woman involved in an intimate encounter with a stallion - and I don’t mean Sylvester Stallone.
And last week’s Quinnipiac University poll showed Carl Paladino trailing Attorney General, Andrew Cuomo by only 6 percentage points.
The sad and somewhat frightening thing is that the polls show the more bizarre and incomprehensible and socially unacceptable the behavior displayed by these extreme candidates, the more they gain in popularity.