Thursday, December 22, 2016

All I Want for Christmas is Hil

A 2016 Christmas Carol

Yuletide felicitation friends – soon, so mercifully soon, this most heinous of years, 2016, will reach its, so very much deserved, demise. Unfortunately, for us all, its passing has been a long, drawn out, excruciatingly painful one - lowlighted, of course, by the popular vote loss that is escorting a career criminal, admitted sexual predator, and treasonous Russian puppet into the office of the most powerful man in the world. But, at least he didn’t have a private email server.  Merry Christmas.

Yet, it is still Christmas, the season of miracles, that time of year when a post office employee’s shameful slothfulness can lead to Kris Kringle’s release from a sanitarium, and a time when a chanteuse, in a shorty Santa suit, like the pointsettia, experiences an annual revival. And so, with naïve and aspirational hopes and the spirit of the holiday, and with her entirely unknowing and unwitting assistance; I brazenly, heretically and, no doubt, illegally, rework Mariah Carey’s modern Christmas classic (scroll below for the genuine article) as a desperate and sincere entreaty for Jolly Old St. Nick to deliver below our tannenbaums she who defeated Donald Trump by 3 million votes.

All I Want for Christmas is Hil

I don’t want a lot for Christmas
But I have an urgent plea
I don’t care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want her for our own
Before the country’s future’s blown
One wish to fulfill
All I want for Christmas is Hil

There’s just one gift I want for Christmas
A savvy woman we all need
So, skip the shirts you know I won’t wear
Those Chinese Trump clothes colors bleed
I don’t need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won’t make me happy
If I still see that orange face
I just want her for our own
No vulgar Mussolini clone
Who’s so filled with ill-will
All I want for Christmas is Hil
Hil baby

I don’t want a thug for Christmas
Half KKK, half killer shark
Who lusts for female family members
And bends to Russian oligarchs
No Cratchits chowing on prize goose
No, I don’t even wish for snow
I’ll stay awake and cross my fingers
For her beneath my mistletoe
I’ll give up on a Silent Night
If Rodham holds us safe and tight
I’ll hold my breath until
What I get for Christmas is Hil
Ooh baby

The alt-whites are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children’s
Crying fills the air
And everyone is clinging
To hopes that you’ll be bringing
Santa won’t you bring me the one I really need
Won’t you please bring my baby to me…

I still don’t want a lot for Christmas
This is all I’m asking for
Don’t want to see an insane leader
Inside the Oval Office door
Oh, I just want her for my own
So many voters must atone
Can’t let Trump pass a bill
Baby all I want for Christmas is Hil

Any comments, questions, criticisms, compliments, candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

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