All I Want for Christmas is Hil

A 2016 Christmas Carol

Yuletide felicitation friends – soon, so mercifully soon, this most heinous of years, 2016, will reach its, so very much deserved, demise. Unfortunately, for us all, its passing has been a long, drawn out, excruciatingly painful one - lowlighted, of course, by the popular vote loss that is escorting a career criminal, admitted sexual predator, and treasonous Russian puppet into the office of the most powerful man in the world. But, at least he didn’t have a private email server.  Merry Christmas.

Yet, it is still Christmas, the season of miracles, that time of year when a post office employee’s shameful slothfulness can lead to Kris Kringle’s release from a sanitarium, and a time when a chanteuse, in a shorty Santa suit, like the pointsettia, experiences an annual revival. And so, with naïve and aspirational hopes and the spirit of the holiday, and with her entirely unknowing and unwitting assistance; I brazenly, heretically and, no doubt, illegally, rework Mariah Carey’s modern Christmas classic (scroll below for the genuine article) as a desperate and sincere entreaty for Jolly Old St. Nick to deliver below our tannenbaums she who defeated Donald Trump by 3 million votes.

All I Want for Christmas is Hil

I don’t want a lot for Christmas

But I have an urgent plea

I don’t care about the presents

Underneath the Christmas tree

I just want her for our own

Before the country’s future’s blown

One wish to fulfill

All I want for Christmas is Hil

There’s just one gift I want for Christmas

A savvy woman we all need

So, skip the shirts you know I won’t wear

Those Chinese Trump clothes colors bleed

I don’t need to hang my stocking

There upon the fireplace

Santa Claus won’t make me happy

If I still see that orange face

I just want her for our own

No vulgar Mussolini clone

Who’s so filled with ill-will

All I want for Christmas is Hil

Hil baby

I don’t want a thug for Christmas

Half KKK, half killer shark

Who lusts for female family members

And bends to Russian oligarchs

No Cratchits chowing on prize goose

No, I don’t even wish for snow

I’ll stay awake and cross my fingers

For her beneath my mistletoe

I’ll give up on a Silent Night

If Rodham holds us safe and tight

I’ll hold my breath until

What I get for Christmas is Hil

Ooh baby

The alt-whites are shining

So brightly everywhere

And the sound of children’s

Crying fills the air

And everyone is clinging

To hopes that you’ll be bringing

Santa won’t you bring me the one I really need

Won’t you please bring my baby to me…

I still don’t want a lot for Christmas

This is all I’m asking for

Don’t want to see an insane leader

Inside the Oval Office door

Oh, I just want her for my own

So many voters must atone

Can’t let Trump pass a bill

Baby all I want for Christmas is Hil

Any comments, questions, criticisms, compliments, candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.