Thursday, June 23, 2016

Top Ten Irrefutable Facts about Donald Trump Supporters

“The one thing this man has going for him, was the common people in large numbers flocked to hear him speak, and tell them of the great things he aspired to do for them. Donald Trump fits this description. The last time I heard a story like this, the man’s name was Jesus Christ… in the political arena, among the common people and the establishment, he is just like him.” - D. Ortiz, Trump Supporter

As is the case with 93 percent of the deceitful declarations by the pro-tem presidential candidate, himself - pro-tem because come July 22nd, the day after the conclusion of the Republican Convention, D.J. Trump will be dust in the wind, extremely loud and annoying dust in the wind, but all he’ll be is dust in the wind, nevertheless, and whomever the sacrificial lamb appointed to replace him as the GOP nominee is, he or she (who are we kidding, it will be the usual white guy) can begin preparing a concession speech to be delivered in November to President Clinton II – the list to follow involved no research, very likely contains not a single grain of fact, mostly fancy, and is guaranteed to offend a sizeable segment of U.S. citizenry.

So, attempt to contain your umbrage and outrage, exceedingly sensitive Donald devotees, for this is just a bit of comedy fluff – a highly disparaging bit of comedy fluff for certain, but if you wish to sic that malicious, egomaniacal, mangy mongrel; that hateful, bigoted, misogynistic, ignorant, dangerous sociopath, on our great country and indeed on the entire planet, you truly do deserve far, far worse than a soupcon of satirical jabbing – loss of the right to vote, revoked citizenship, an hour at a kissing booth with Sarah Palin, a good old-fashioned tar and feathering, a dunk tank full of piranhas, are mayhaps all good possibilities worthy of consideration. When your insolent idol ignites enmity and malevolence toward women, immigrants, minorities, veterans, P.O.W.s and the disabled, and you chhuckle and cheer in abominable accord, surely you can stomach a gentle jest or two.

I do doubt the presence of Trumpeters perusing these often prescient pages, however, the proliferation of polysyllabic words alone would pose quite the stumbling block. But, while Trump is the biggest insult to the electoral process in the history of these United States, and presents a dangerous dilemma of pacaderm-like proportions, it is these supporters who have gleefully, hatefully and stupidly carried him to this prominent place of potential power, and present the more pressing problem. He will be gone, but they will remain. He is but one Mephistopheles, they are many millions.

And so, with gratitude and apologies to David Letterman -

Top Ten Irrefutable Facts about a Donald Trump Supporter

10. You’re upset about the Bill Cosby case because you always considered him “one of the good ones.”

9. The Orlando mass shooting has left you confused as you revile Muslims and homosexuals equally.

8. You don’t even speak a “first language.”

7. When you say “the good old days” you mean the 1850’s.

6. You misread his slogan as “Make America Hate Again.”

5. A cat is both your pet and the word that knocked you out of the spelling bee.

4. According to P.T. Barnum, one of you is born every minute.

3. You’re the reason manufacturers feel the need to put directions on shampoo bottles, and in one word sentences - Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

2. You believe Adolph Hitler was just misunderstood.

1. The letters PhD will never, ever, ever follow your name on any document.


Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

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