Saturday, January 11, 2014

Bear Dynasty – The Sexy, Untold, Fabulous Story Behind the Hate

Phil Robertson with lips lovingly wrapped around a phallus
“All I did was quote from the scriptures” – Phil Robertson

“Love one another, as I have loved you” – Jesus Christ

“It’s one life and there’s no return and no deposit
One life so it’s time to open up the closet.
Life’s not worth a damn till you shout out
I am what I am” – Jerry Herman

The Ballad of Phil Robertson

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Phil
Once a poor mountaineer ‘til A&E would fill his till.
Then one day he was shooting at some gays,
Said the folks on the Right, “you’re a hero for our days!”
(Hate thy neighbor, punch the other cheek, God told us so)
The Duck Dynasty Hillbillies!

As this piece of “Duck Dynasty” pop-culture trash that passes for modern day news, has already been so overplayed and so over-examined, and will soon be just a forgotten bit of yesterday’s discarded fat and gristle; and as the continued attention merely plays directly into the hands of yet another of these many Palin-esque carnival acts and their pathetic and contemptible desire for the constant glare of the spotlight, I was originally planning to ignore this nescient and needy wretch; but as so many friends, and dare I say, even loved ones, have cast all decency and morality aside to come to the defense and support of his hate-speak in the supposed name of God, either I was to release my ire in self-expression or stand idly by and allow my head to explode.

Through, lo, these many weeks of reportage, supposition, opposition, aid and succor, discussion, disagreement and examination of the motivations and reasoning behind Phil Robertson’s bloviated, bigoted, biased and abhorrent public proclamations against the lives and rights of the LGBT community, one seemingly, obvious possibility has yet to be proffered, and it is a theory and concept which is in no way unique in relation to past similar circumstances.

"Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there, such as bestiality, don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers — they won't inherit the kingdom of God. Don't deceive yourself. It's not right." – Phil Robertson, star “Duck Dynasty”

Why such fervent, virulent verbiage? Well, perhaps the answer is as obvious as the nose on Liberace’s face. And please, by this conjecture, let me make it crystal clear that I mean to imply no offense or negativity or insult upon the gay and lesbian community.  We all have our losers and malcontents amongst our ranks. But, consider Phil Robertson’s uber-masculine visage. Explore his extreme hirsuteness and his beefy and burly body-type. And then, look up the term “bear” in A Little Golden Books, “Every Child’s First Guide to LGBT Fun, Facts and Fancies:  Annotated Edition with Illustrations by Robert Mapplethorpe.”

Bear: “In male bisexual and gay culture, a Bear is a large, hairy man who projects an image of rugged masculinity. Bears are one of many LGBT communities with events, codes, and a culture-specific identity.”

Not Bears?
Read between the lines of Robertson’s loathsome recitations.

"It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man's anus. That's just me. I'm just thinking: There's more there! She's got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I'm saying? But hey, sin: It's not logical, my man. It's just not logical." – P.R.

Spoken like a man who has spent many an hour in deep thought, reflection, contemplation, and with personal and intimate knowledge of another man’s anus.  Phil may very well be, and we’ve seen this time and again, a sadly, self-loathing, latent homosexual.  Although, perhaps the word “homosexual” might present a few too many syllables for his Cro-Magnon comprehension and he’d be more likely to go with the simpler, and more deleteriously intended, queer.

Of course, the fun thing about such a conclusion in reference to someone so petty and bigoted and small-minded; someone so persistently percolating with venom and repulsion as this escapee from the Island of Dr. Moreau, this spawn of the Hillbilly/Ned Beatty coupling in “Deliverance” is that if he is not gay, there could be no presumption more insulting to his minute, malicious and ornery medulla oblongata.

Look, this is nycityman proselytizing – born, bred and, no doubt, to be buried in the Big Apple.  Consequently, I may not know much about Hee Haw-viewin’, God-fearin’, people-hatin’, hog-sloppin’, sheep-romancin’, banjo-playin’,  tobaccy-chawin’, kin-betrothin’(did I miss any offensive stereotypes?) hillbillies, but I do know this particular pertaining to that, duck-call fellating he-man, that behavior and history has proven time in memoriam - if you  publically and vehemently verbalize your repulsive and hate-filled rhetoric about gay lifestyles and equal rights; or if you run a “pray away the gay,” gay conversion therapy center; or if you marry Liza Minnelli  - then get your well-manicured paws on a pair of Rufus Wainwright concert tickets; refine your sense of catty, cutting, sotto voce, caustic commentary; pull yourself out of that closet of an airport men’s-room stall and embrace the Broadway Gypsy in your soul;  because you, my friend, are as a gay as a Peter Allen celebrity impersonator. And you are fabulous.

Mr. Robertson, if by some happenstance this humble little essay has appeared before your peepers, and if it has brought forth a self-realization of your true identity, there is no cause for fretting or consternation. “Young man, there's no need to feel down. I said young man, pick yourself off the ground. I said young man, 'cause you’re in a new town. There's no need to be unhappy. It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.” And, If A&E now rejects your show, there will always be a home on Logo.

Maybe I'm simple, but to me this is simply a matter of choice. You can defend Phil and therefore choose to believe in a God who wants us to hate one another, or you can denounce such cruel, divisive and anti-Christian hate-speak and instead pray to a God who loves all of His children

Intolerance and malevolence are never acceptable and never something to be feted. The day, if it ever arrives, when we finally start caring more about our fellow man than we do about fearing and heeding the word of any one of a variety of cloud-cruising deities; and we cease using our ignorant, but politically manipulative misinterpretations of their dictated dictums to justify our fears, frailties and prejudices, will be the day that we may finally experience some possibility of a modicum of real brotherhood and a measure of world peace.

And now, as a gift to Phil, as an offer and outreach of unity and understanding among all peoples – from the Jerry Herman musical “La Cage Aux Folles,” George Hearn and cast perform, “I Am What I Am.”

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.


  1. Speaking of hate, did anyone read the blog above? Jeeeez.

  2. It's OK to be intolerant of people who are intolerant. It's OK to hate Nazis. Big difference between that and hating people just because of a lifestyle choice or a genetic predisposition.
    I suppose there may be some lovely hillbillies out there, but it's also OK to not like what they represent, which for the most part seems to be self satisfied ignorance.

  3. I have only read your drive by on Paul Anka and Phil Robertson. I won't delve further into the filth that fills your skull.

    1. Despite your obvious distaste for my work, and lack of a sense of humor, thanks for your time, and especially thanks for writing the best promotion line I could ever hope for with "I won't delve further into the filth that fills your skull."

    2. Another thought - the pieces you mention ridicule sexism, intolerance, bigotry and homophobia and to you that represents filth that fills my skull. Clearly, then, you are not just lacking a sense of humor, but any sense of compassion, justice and morality, as well.