The Lies and Times of Willard Mitt Romney – Man of a Thousand Faces

Changeling. Chameleon. Prevaricator Nonpareil.

“I’m a strong believer in stating your position and not wavering” - Mitt Romney

“I changed my position” - Mitt Romney

“Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I play the game but to my real shame
You've left me to dream all alone” – The Platters

Dynamic, magnetic, charismatic, captivating – words all, but ones that have heretofore never appeared on the same written page as the name Mitt Romney. Cypher, empty suit, forgettable, nondescript, the insomniac’s best friend, a haircut, vegetative, vanilla, vapid, tapioca, an off-ramp on the road to interesting, a detour to dullness, brain-numbing, coma -causing, could irritate Bob “happy little trees” Ross, low-def, “look up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s plain,”  libido-lobotomizer, the sexual appeal of Marcus Bachmann, makes Al Gore look like James Brown, emotionally Vulcan-esque, “Bland, James Bland,” “Mr. Bland Builds His Whitehouse,”  Duke of Dishonesty, Pharaoh of Fabrication,  Bishop of Boring, Lord of Lies, Sultan of Snooze, Monarch of Mendacity, ordinary, unexceptional, mediocre, wooden paneling with a heartbeat, arrogant, elitist, entitled, superficial, the empathy of a corpse combined with the compassion of a rabid badger, the weighty sense of humor of a macrobiotic devotee  paired with the comic timing of an executioner, a man who’s arrival is anticipated in much the same manner as one would welcome a blood clot in the leg during a 14 hour flight- just a partial remuneration of Romney descriptives expressed on an almost daily basis (and that would be from his supporters) and gratefully accepted as high-praise from anyone in Mitt’s camp.  (Author’s note: the previous claims were made with the same honesty and credibility displayed by Paul Ryan at the Republican National Convention, but in this circumstance the intent is comedy, not tragedy.)

As you’ll see very shortly by revelation of the man’s own words, Mitt’s goal is to be all things to all people. He’s been “severely conservative,” he’s been moderate, he’s even been progressive, “he’s been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king” and the casualty of such superficial aspirations – no principles, no convictions, no beliefs. The results - the public sees through him like a tulle gown awash in klieg lights, like Claude Rains with bandages unraveled or like Sarah Palin ordering take-out from a Chik-fil-a.  His polled unfavorability stands at 51%, and his support in the African-American community is at 0%, a historic number (or lack thereof) never before seen. Wolves have performed better among triads of little pigs (it’s been said that even Pollyanna has abandoned her expedition for endearing attributes.) Yet despite these serious shortcomings this weeping willow of a fellow,  this circling weather vane, this non-answer “blowin’ in the wind,” undeniably deficient in charm, personality or genuineness, defeated a clowns car full of repulsive and repellent, Republican rivals and remains essentially dead-locked in polls against President Barack Obama… mayhaps his mater never told him “cheaters never prosper.” All evidence would suggest that this self-proclaimed “job creator” whose stewardship of Bain Capital  costs thousands of employees their livelihoods and whose governorship of Massachusetts left the Bay State 47^th in job growth, and left Willard with a 36% approval rating, is astutely aware that facts and numbers are clearly not his bff’s. This philosophy of falsification was the guiding beacon of the recently held Republican National Convention (a pathetic parade of politicians playing political limbo – “how low can you go?”) which was resolutely built on a foundation of three, very publically, disproven and discredited deceptions – that Obama removed the work requirement from Welfare (with the new flexibility requested by governors they must now increase the work-rolls by 20%),  that he pilfered $716 billion from Medicare and syphoned it into “Obamacare” (savings over the next 10 years by cutting over-payment to providers resulting in greater benefits to Seniors and longer solubility for the program) and the out of context line “you didn’t build that” which immediately followed the, always conveniently edited out, very pro-America and pro- capitalism sentences , “If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help. There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges.” Now with the convention concluded and best remembered for a monologue with an empty chair, we shall see if any truths rear their un-ugly heads as the Republican campaign sallies forth.

Mitt Romney Quarrels With Himself

Apparently utterly unaware of the existence of either audio or video tape, or of any other form of recording device, for that matter, we present the many minds, the many moods, the many opinions of Mitt, whose recent redeployment into “birtherism” reconfirmed with positive proof that he will say anything to anyone at any time, or to paraphrase The Eagles, “life in the slow lane, surely make you lose your mind. Life in the slow lane, everything all the time.”

The Stimulus Bill –

“I have never supported the President’s recovery act, all right, the stimulus, no time, nowhere, no how.”

 “I think there is need for economic stimulus...”

Women’s Right to Choose –

“I will preserve and protect a woman’s right to choose”

“The right next step in the, in the fight to preserve the sanctity of life is to see Roe v. Wade overturned.”

Ronald Reagan -

“Look, I was an independent during the time of Reagan-Bush.  I’m not trying to return to Reagan-Bush.”

“The principles that Ronald Reagan espoused are as true today as they were when he spoke them.”

Health Care –

“Well, that’s what we did in Massachusetts, and that is, we put together an exchange, and the president’s copying that idea. I’m glad to hear that.”

“Obamacare is bad news ... and if I’m president of the United States I will repeal it.”

Climate Change -

“Well, I believe the world is getting warmer.... I believe that humans contribute to that.”

“My view is that we don’t know what’s causing climate change on this planet.”

Gun Regulations -

“I just signed a piece of legislation extending the ban on certain assault weapons.”

 “I do not support any new legislation of an assault weapon ban nature.”

The Auto Bailout -

“I’m not willing to sit back and say too bad for Michigan, too bad, too bad for the car industry.”

“That’s exactly what I said.... ‘Let Detroit Go Bankrupt.’”

Illegal Immigrants -

“Illegal immigrants should have a chance to obtain citizenship.”

“I think I’m best off to describe my own positions. And my positions, I think I’ve just described for you – secure the border, employment verification and no special pathway to citizenship. I feel that’s the course we ought to take.”

Birtherism -

“I think the citizenship test has been passed. I believe the president was born in the United States.”

“No one has ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this is the place that we were born and raised. ”

 (and for extra dis-credit, from his convention acceptance speech) ”When the world needs someone to do the really big stuff, you need an American”

Romney’s Political Viewpoint -

“My views are progressive."

“I was a severely conservative Republican governor.

And so, we now leave Willard Mitt Romney in the embarrassing and shameful stew of his own pot of hypocrisy and dishonesties, as he stoically soldiers on, sans soul, the leader of a party that incredulously and intolerantly believes that the future somehow lies in the past.

Enjoy The Platters, and “The Great Pretender,” feel free to warble along.