Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: Your 2010 Republican Nominees

"American scientific companies are crossbreeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.” – Christine O’Donnell

Every so often, a unique candidate will surface who finally represents an unfairly under-represented minority in this country - the certifiably insane. This election season, in a highly unorthodox and extremely bold maneuver, the Republican Party has decided to run a complete slate of nominees that represent no one but, the certifiably insane. The Grand Old Party is counting on the crazy vote as their core constituency. This will be the first in a series of profiles on some of those Republican nominees for 2010. First up is a woman of whom Frank Sinatra may have said, “ooh, you’re a fine witch” - Christine O’Donnell, candidate from Delaware for the U.S. Senate.

Of all the controversies that have arisen since O’Donnell has emerged as the latest, completely unqualified celebrity in the right wing political firmament, the accusations of witchcraft are really the least worrisome. As she explained, she was just a high school student and her experimentations can be chalked up to common youthful indiscretion. After all, who among us when struggling through the difficult adolescent years, didn’t participate in behavior that we later regretted – whether it be that first toke of the demon weed, our first awkward sexual overture, or that first disembowelment of sacrificial livestock on a blood-soaked altar as part of a malevolent demonic ritual? For Christine, it was just a part of growing up as a wholesome, all-American girl - straight out of Archie comics, Norman Rockwell paintings and the Book of the Dead.

Her economic policies, on the contrary, should be more of a concern to voters. O’Donnell, righteous Republican fiscal conservative and vocal critic of current financial strategies, knows of what she speaks when it comes to matters monetary. She has been subject to an IRS tax lien and has pilfered some $20,000 from her campaign contributions in order to pay her rent, her utility and wireless phone bills, her personal travel expenses, her meals, and she has even used these misappropriated funds to pay for a bowling outing. Clearly, she has proven that she possesses both the economic acuity and practical experience to get the maximum benefit from her ill-gotten gains.

But we need to go beyond the sensationalism of her dabbling in the Dark Arts and her campaign thievery to examine her views and stances on the issues important to the American public today in the most impartial and fair-minded way possible - by allowing O’Donnell to speak for herself. In my research, I’ve discovered that finding irrational and implausible quotes from Christine O’Donnell is like finding sand on a beach, like finding intolerant illiterates in the Tea Party movement, like finding falsehoods in Sarah Palin speeches - the choices are infinite and incalculable.

On Issues of Sexual Mores, Sex Education and Sexual Equality
For a hint of where this is heading, Christine believes that homosexuals can be “cured.” Now, while it is true that, much like heterosexuals, gay people can be cured of gout, the asian flu and the heartbreak of psoriasis, they can not be cured of their gayness as one’s sexual orientation is neither a disease nor a malady.
“Condoms will not protect you from AIDS."

“It is not enough to be abstinent with other people, you also have to be abstinent alone. The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery. You can't masturbate without lust!"
(Note the exclamation point - self-satisfaction is evidently a topic that she has spent many a long, lonely night contemplating.)

"Homosexuals are getting away with nudity! They're getting away with lasciviousness! They're getting away with perversion!"

“It’s kids being kids, that’s it.” (in reference to gay bashing)

“Calling them ‘AIDS victims’ is the kind of spinning with words and manipulating words that empowers the bias when it comes to AIDS.”

On Politics and her Political Opponents
"They're following me. They follow me home at night. I make sure that I come back to the townhouse and then we have our team come out and check all the bushes and check all the cars to make sure that -- they follow me.”

“He's soooo liberal. He's anti-American… He did not vote for English as the official language. What does that say?" (on President Obama’s patriotism)

"You know, these are the kind of cheap, underhanded, un-manly tactics that we've come to expect from Obama's favorite Republican, Mike Castle. Mike, this is not a bake-off, get your man-pants on."

On Society and Progress
"We took the Bible and prayer out of public schools, and now we're having weekly shootings practically.”

"By integrating women into particularly military institutes, it cripples the readiness of our defense.”

“America is now a socialist economy.”

“In the guise of so-called freedom of separation of church and state, they’re trying to institute a communist country and that sounds radical but that’s the truth.”

Some political figures are so compelling and create such a sensation that it becomes clear that they are the exact right person for a certain time and a certain place. For Christine O’Donnell that time is the 19th century and that place is Saudi Arabia.

Next up in the series - the megalomaniacal meanderings of that macho millionaire from Upstate New York, who’s ready to throw down and do epic battle to the death against Andrew Cuomo in the Thunderdome - Carl Palladino.

But first, the Divinyls perform Christine O’Donnell’s official campaign song.

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