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Tuesday, June 12, 2018

Rudolph Giuliani Presents: Uncle Rudy’s Guide to Love, Marriage and Sexual Mores

A match made in Hell


 “Newlywed a year ago
But you're still checking each other out
Nobody wants to blow
Nobody wants to be left out
You can't leave, 'cause your heart is there…
It’s a family affair.”  - Sly Stone


In light of Rudy “3 Wives Down, 3 More to Go” Giuliani’s recent sage, wise and indignantly ignorant and judgmental public proclamations on the morality, integrity and probity of Stormy Daniels (liberally bookmarked on Rudy’s laptop for meticulous and conscientious research only, that vat of Jergen’s is just coincidentally nearby) and the converse goodness, righteousness and perpetual purity and virginity of Donald “My Next Wife Hasn’t Even Been Born Yet” Trump’s triumvirate of spouses, numbers two and three each an extramarital mistress, in turn, prior to betrothal, “… and several butcher’s aprons” significantly less than proudly, and with some trepidation and extreme degrees of shame, brings you -

Rudolph Giuliani Presents:  Uncle Rudy's Guide to Love, Marriage and Sexual Mores

  
Rudy and cousin/first wife

It’s a Family Affair
Whether you’re America's Mayor and have copulated with cousin, or the King of the United States, and desire to diddle daughter, remember, it's always better to bed, betroth and breed blood, for if you marry outside of family, you never know what you’ll catch from a stranger.

Donald with daughter/wife

 “I know Donald Trump. Look at his three wives - beautiful women, classy women, women of great substance.” – Rudolph Giuliani

Til Death Us Do Part
Marriage is a sacred institution, not to be entered into unadvisedly or carelessly, but reverently, joyfully and in the love of God. Consequently, the more the better! Display your devotion to this honorable estate by partaking in it aplenty - the more marriages, the more divorces, the more moral. As the classic vows profess – love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude. Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Love is all you need. Love, love is strange. Love is funny, or it's sad or it's quiet, or it's mad, it's a good thing or it's bad but beautiful. Love is a battlefield (I fear I have lost my rhetorical way, no more Spotify while writing.) It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres… never lasts. Aim for a minimum of three marriages.


Home is Where the Heart is
When possible, move your mistress (future wife 3/future, future ex-wife 3) under the same roof where you blissfully, familially cohabitate with wife duex and children. Should you reside in a municipally financed mayor’s mansion mores the better.  It will save your chauffer effort, save you from prying paparazzi, save time, save steps - save everything but face, your soul, or the forever scarred psyche of your offspring.



“ I don't respect a porn star the way I respect a career woman or a woman of substance or a woman who has great respect for herself as a woman and as a person and isn't going to sell her body for sexual exploitation.” – Rudolph Giuliani

She Works Hard for the Money
From the book of Giuliani 2:22 -24, “And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, how much for a BBBJ, a Full Service or Around the World?” And thus it has always been and thus it shall always be - a man will pay a woman for sex, remain honored and revered and perhaps even ascend to the planet’s premiere pinnacles of power, and $130,000 will commence that carnal negotiation.  But the woman solicited for said service, shall forthwith be disregarded, disrespected and disparaged, but for the sole specific exception of erotic nude models hailing from Slovenia.

"If you're going to sell your body for money, you just don't have a reputation. I may be old fashioned, I dunno." – Rudolph Giuliani

Melania and friend, "old fashioned" girls
Next time, stay tuned for Rudy's anxiously awaited follow up, “Sex and the Single Cellmate.”  When you’re as pretty as Rudy and Don, a life sentence doesn't have to mean a life of celibacy – coming soon, to a blog near you.


It's a family affair, it's a family affair
It's a family affair, it's a family affair”

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com




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