“All the
world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts…” - William “Billy” Shakespeare
Here at “… and several butcher’s aprons” while constantly
expressing and promoting liberal and progressive social and political ideology,
the intent is always to manifest these sentiments in ways that are, hopefully,
more satirical and entertaining, and less proselytizing. Toward that aim, while
the usual format is comic commentary, I’ve also attempted poetry, song parody and captioned
photos. So, continuing in that 75 year tradition of creative flexibility - proudly
presenting the premiere of the world’s most diminutive one act play - but
first, some shameless self-promotion. Broadway producers, you know how to
contact me.
And now, from the celebrated and acclaimed author of 212
prior “… and several butcher’s aprons” posts, and a number of incendiary but
astute anti-Trump tweets; the reader of “Catch-22” and “The Catcher in the Rye”
(all my favorite novels have a form of the word “catch” in the title); and the
skimmer of “A Clockwork Orange” (it's confusing!) and several chapters of “The New Testament” (even more so!) comes the riveting new play that critics have hailed as “Brief!” “Neatly typed!”
“Not particularly well-written and somewhat nonsensical!” and “Shorter than the
title!” Winner of the 2017 “Completely Fabricated Award for Best New Drama,” -
sit back, experience, engulf yourself in, weep and chortle to – “A Couple of
Guys Sitting Around at a Bus Stop Talking about Election Day.”
A COUPLE OF GUYS SITTING AROUND AT A BUS STOP
TALKING ABOUT ELECTION DAY – A Dramatic Dialogue in One Scene
EXT: SUBURBAN BUS STOP, ANYWHERE U.S.A. – 8:32 AM, NOVEMBER 8, 2016
GUS
So, who you voting
for?
EARL
I don’t know. I
don’t really know much about politics. Or history… or government… or the constipation.
GUS
Constitution?
(EARL nods in assent)
Republican?
EARL
Yeah.
(awkward lengthy pause)
Who’s running?
GUS
Well, the Democrat
is the most experienced and qualified person to ever run.
EARL
Sounds shady.
GUS
The Republican has
no experience at all... he's a bigot, a thief, talks openly about wanting to nail his own daughter, has been served with about 3500 lawsuits, will take health insurance
away from millions of Americans, wants to stop immigration, religious freedom
and freedom of speech …
EARL
Go on…
GUS
… lies like a
freakin’ Persian rug, and displays all the behaviors of a severe sociopath.
EARL
Hmm. Does either have
a penis?
GUS
No. But Trump does
self-identify as a man.
EARL
Make America Great
Again!!
FIN
To bookend with the opening quote from the Bard, a treat
from the 1999 Broadway revival of “Kiss Me Kate,” a production I had the
pleasure of enjoying twice – “Brush Up Your Shakespeare.”
“Brush
up your Shakespeare
Start quoting him now
Brush up your Shakespeare
And the women you will wow
Just declaim a few lines from 'Othella'
And they think you're a heckuva fella
If your blond won't respond when you flatter 'er
Tell her what Tony told Cleopaterer” – Cole Porter
Any comments, questions, criticisms,
candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.
Jubilant Throngs Packed the Washington Mall this Inauguration Day
“The Party told you to reject all evidence of your eyes and
ears. It was their final, most essential command...The past was erased, the
erasure was forgotten, the lie became the truth." – George Orwell, 1984
As a self-anointed analyst and comedy commentator on the
usually simple to satirize social and political arenas, I have been struggling
and searching for the proper response to the dawning of the age of President
Trump. It is a rich and complex issue, and a painfully sad, tragic turn of
events that will very likely have grave consequences not only for “America
first” but for the entire world. And, unlike most other catastrophic occurrences
in our history, 9/11, Pearl Harbor, the conception of Sarah Palin, we’ve got no
boogie man for this one – no one to invade, no one to bomb, no one to drone –
this is all on us, the great, unread American public. And this time, in
geopolitical terms, we’re the international bad guy, we’re Spectre, we’ve
unleashed onto civilization an unstable, petty, vindictive, vengeful, childish,
cowardly madman who, by the way, has the gym locker combination for the
deadliest nuclear arsenal mankind has ever known. Umm, sorry about that, Earth.
Not surprisingly, chuckles, alliterative similes and clever wordplay have been
a little hard to come by, as of late. Then something on TV moved me, and I
thought, risk ridicule and accusations of weakness with heightened levels of
wimpiosity, and try something unique to this keyboard, a few simple sincere
thoughts. And so, we venture on.
Cecily
Despair
On this week’s Saturday Night Live, cast members Cecily
Strong and Sasheer Zamata sang the Lulu chestnut and movie theme, “To Sir with
Love,” with almost painful sincerity, in front of a black and white photo of
President Obama. Like, Kate McKinnon’s performance of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”
as Hillary Clinton on the episode following the election, initial reaction was
a bit of puzzlement, unexpectedly replaced by melancholy emotion. And then (sordid, unmanly confession) I
teared up, and continued to lightly moisten my cheeks throughout the remainder
of the song. A bit off-kilter, I wondered why wonderful Cecily’s extremely
heartfelt, but sometime slightly strained vocal stylings had affected me so. But,
it wasn’t really the earnest, and exceedingly partisan, performance that
precipitated the waterworks; it was the sudden and painful, and long-delayed
consciousness of reality that was triggered by the tune. That simple and genuine farewell to a good and
decent man was, for me, the very moment that fear became fact and, in reaction,
my body sprung a leak. To borrow from the Band, these were “tears of rage, tears
of grief” - anger, anxiety, disbelief, frustration, fright and fury finally free,
after 2 months of sanity saving repression.
Sasheer
Since the wee small hours of November 9th, like
millions and millions of other patriotic and empathetic Americans, I have
tussled with the truth, completely incapable of accepting the incomprehensible
as actuality. I have not, and will not
ever, acknowledge Trump as the leader of my great country, and, until the travesty
transpired, maintained high hopes that he would never step upon the
inauguration platform. Surely, long before this day of transition, Trump’s
myriad crimes and misdemeanors would call him home to his rightful place of
residence, a federal penitentiary. But, alas, justice is frequently far too
forgiving for the well to do, and rewards are proffered in place of penalty.
New York City - January 19, 2017
Hope
We weep, we wail, we scream, we curse, we have one too many
drinks, we turn to each other for aid and succor, but mostly we resist. We
resist the bigotry, misogyny and anti-American hatred that Donald Trump and his
Fourth Reich followers confess, profess and proliferate. We march, we rally, we
protest, we demonstrate. As a participant
in both the nationwide Women’s March (2.9 million strong, but merely, a paltry
2,899,999 minus my attendance) and the pre-inaugural rally in New York’s Columbus
Circle, I experienced the excitement, exhilaration, sense of community, pride
in America and even, unanticipated optimism, that democracy in action and activism
brings. And we must continue, relentlessly, to take to the streets, for it’s nothing less than the very continuation of our republic that is at stake.
New York City - January 21, 2017
Thank you Cecily, thank you Sasheer, thank you Lorne, and
why not – thank you Chevy.
Cecily and Sasheer -
Lulu –
Any comments, questions, criticisms,
candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.
“Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop” - Proverbs 16:27
“Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste I've been around for a long, long year Stole many a man's soul to waste” –
Jagger/Richards
Well, according to popular and accepted lore, I fear I now
find myself in league with Lucifer as, thanks to my former employers recent Christmas-time restructuring resulting in the compensated separation of certain personnel from their occupations, (a long-imagined, fantasy fulfillment for yours truly) I am now as idle as a Donald
Trump hair follicle (as idle as a Donald Trump brain cell, as idle as Donald
Trump’s conscience, common sense or empathy.)
To be as clear as millions of unconsumed cases of Crystal
Pepsi, as was pointed out by my HR Rep numerous times with impressive vim and
vigor, I was not laid-off. Rather,
thanks to my stealthily advancing years, I was offered a voluntary “early-retirement,”
and, to be fair, with both a generous buy-out and subsidized insurance coverage. And so, sans bitterness or bile, and brimming
with constructive recollections, I leave behind decades in television promotion
to journey forth (or to loaf supine on the settee) in search of an altered
identity and lifestyle. For over 30
years I was a television promo producer, what am I now?
Random Early Retirement Observation #1 – A number of classic rock songs no longer hold any relevance to me – Takin’ Care of Business, Working for the Weekend, Five O’clock World and, of course, She Works Hard for the Money.
Questions immediately arise, both major and minor – What if
the ACA is repealed and the exchanges are gone when my current coverage
expires? How will the presence of a
raving lunatic in Washington affect the financial markets, and our 401Ks? What
time do I go to sleep? What time do I rise?
What do I do once I’m awake? How soon will my sanity sally in light of this
increased isolation and skulking hermitage? Should I choke on one of my larger
supplement tablets as, judging by past experiences, appears all but inevitable,
will my cat be more mournful or peckish?
I have anticipated, dreamt of and prayed to my pagan deities,
since almost first employed, for an
atypically short run as a corporate cog; and once having achieved that,
expected almost an incessant sense of euphoria – now, and seemingly forever, a
free man whose time and life is completely his own. No strings and no connections,
few duties or obligations - Number 6 having successfully escaped from the
Village. “I am not a number. I am a free man.” But, to be working on a Friday and then
emancipated the following Monday after almost
40 years of organized routine, how does
one suddenly adjust to a completely unstructured life, now faced with 24 hours
and 7 days potentially identical but for television schedule? While, “everybody's working for the weekend,”
I have no weekend. Even in this month
and change since the shredding of my company identification, the identity of
the day of the week is mostly an unsure estimation for me.
The Greatest City in the World In Which to Retire
An initial, and exceedingly surprising, reaction in this
new Boca Raton, sandals and socks, early bird special, Matlock reality, has been
my inability to simply relax and enjoy the new freedom and independence. Still perceiving some need to be ever industrious, a desire rarely experienced before, I tally daily and weekly “things to do”
lists, hustling about my Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood and feeling a failure should
any of the scribbled goals remain unfulfilled. And perhaps, the most jarring adjustment of
them all is having much less need and opportunity to don the dressier attire.
Once a man famed around the office for his sartorial sense, with an extensive
and expensive wardrobe culled from the finest clothiers and haberdashers on
both sides of the Atlantic (I hold a particular fondness for British tailoring)
now but a fashion flop in long-forgotten, but recently excavated, t-shirts,
sweaters and Old Navy pants. Yes, that’s right, Old Navy, and without commercial
remuneration for sporting their economical, egalitarian mommy jeans!
Random Early
Retirement Observation #2 – When the man on the 2:17am radio PSA asks, “Is
marijuana use affecting your job or relationship?” I don’t suppose the proper
healthy response is, “What job? What relationship?”
The intent is not to convey complaint, merely confusion. I have neither regret nor nostalgic yearning
to toil again at my desk. I am, by nature, and thus it has always been, a lazy,
languid and indolent sort, ever striving to attain the most from the least
amount of effort, and I remain more than happy to no longer be an active
participant in the “Five O’clock World.”
Despite the uncertainty articulated, like Dusty Springfield
before me, I’m wishin’ and hopin’ and
plannin’ and dreamin’ with actual aspirations in mind - which, besides increased international
travel, are all creative, for that is where true satisfaction, fulfillment and happiness can often be found. A partial, still in progress list - continue and
expand the reach of this blog, finish the jukebox musical I started penning many
a moon ago, pull the guitar out of the back of the closet, shake off the
playing rust, and write songs. Do I have the discipline to pursue such things
when a comfy couch, cable, Roku and a home audio system exist, and more
importantly, do I have the talent? The latter, I maintain grave misgivings and
doubt about, but I certainly have the time to try. So, at 57 going on 58, with
little income ahead, I attempt a change in life, fortune and fame. And, just the thought leads to a yearning for the
comfort and security of the Lazy Boy, the various remotes and an open bottle of
sauvignon blanc. And day turns into night and Judge Mathis turns into another
Judge Mathis.
“Up ev'ry morning just to keep a job I gotta fight my way through the hustling mob, Sounds of the city pounding in my brain While another day goes down the drain. But it's a five o'clock world when the whistle
blows, No one owns a piece of my time. And there's a five o'clock me inside my clothes, Thinking that the world looks fine”
Any comments, questions, criticisms,
candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.
Republican’s Unabashed, Unrequited Love for a Tyrannical Enemy of Freedom
“I love him, I love him, I love him,
And where he goes,
I'll follow, I'll follow, I'll follow.
He'll always be my true love, my true love, my true love
From now until forever, forever, forever”
“(Putin) is a
strong leader… He’s making mincemeat out of our President” – Donald Trump
Donald Trump is pure vulgar, traitorous
scum – and that’s about the best that can be said of him. For this go round, we
will forgo commentary on his publicly professed incestuous desires, the
witnessed and testified to child rapes, the admitted serial sexual assaults and
the hundreds of illegal business practices /lawsuits, and instead focus on his
passionate and unfulfilled crush on Russian President, Vladimir Putin. Now,
while Putin does not directly return the amorous ardor that he receives from
the President Erect, he does string him along and tease him enough with
shirtless, lustful visions of the possibilities ahead that Putin has complete
control of Donald’s minute and pliable intellect, and come January 20th,
will be the practical and acting leader of the United States of America.
But, sadly and unfortunately, the
Fuhrer of 5th Avenue is far from being alone in his articulated admiration,
appreciation and veneration for the tyrannical, murdering Muscovite. The
rewritten and updated dissertation to follow was originally posted almost 3
years ago, long before some 62 million racists and misogynists cast their
ballots for Russian rule and to make America white again. Prominent and
powerful Republicans had already fallen head over heels with the cruel autocrat,
and many declared their deep disappointment in the fact that Obama, and not Putin,
was our country’s Commander in Chief. With the recent revelations of definitive
Russian involvement in our now illegitimate election, this golden oldie remains
steadfastly relevant, so I share it with you once again.
Revised from March, 2014 -
Ah, our beloved Republicans – so often
the staunchest of patriots by self-declaration, while behaving virulently
unpatriotic in practice. The current and relevant case in point - the
titillating tingle, the erotic exhilaration, the feverish fervor, the enchanted
evening experienced whenever seeing shirtless, boy-toy Vladimir Putin across a
crowded room. But besides the given, the understood and the obvious that
they favor any and every animal, vegetable or mineral to B.H. Obama, what’s to
explain this unusual and unexpected, particular affinity between the Communist
former KGB agent and America’s Far Right? Perhaps it’s a new sort
of love/hate relationship. Conservatives love Putin because they hate the same
things - homosexuals, equality, self-expression, self-determination, truth,
justice and the American way. It’s a veritable fraternity of abhorrence for
these brethren in oppression.
Sure, Righties yak vociferously about
freedom and liberty, but their actual actions yell louder than a Sam
Kinison/Bobcat Goldthwait comedy throw-down as, red state by even redder state,
they attempt to suppress voter rights, quash marriage equality and battle
against any societal parity for women, be it in the home, the workplace or the
doctor’s office.
Putin has become our Radical Right’s
archetypical leader because he can put into practice the policies of
intolerance and exclusion that they can only dream of, fantasize about and, no
doubt in some cases, even pleasure themselves to. He treads the same political and
ideology path as Tea-publicans only with the bonafide power to turn their
reactionary hopes, wishes and reveries into repulsive reality. Putin’s social
conservatism, religious zealotry in support of a state religion, militarism,
homophobia; his belief in his right to invade
sovereign nations, to harm and imprison those with whom he disagrees, to feign
democracy while rigging elections for oligarchical outcome, make him a CPAC
dreamboat.
“Words of Love, Soft and Tender Won’t
Win a Girl’s Heart Anymore”- Their Passion for Putin
"I looked the man in the
eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy... I was able to
get a sense of his soul." - George W. Bush
“Putin is right on these issues...
he has taken a stand to protect his nation’s children from the damaging effects
of any gay and lesbian agenda... America’s own morality has fallen so far that
on this issue — Russia’s standard is higher than our own." - Franklin
Graham
“Putin decides what he wants to do and
does it in half a day. He makes a decision and executes it quickly and
everybody reacts. That’s what you call a real leader.” – Rudolph Giuliani
“(He’s) the defender of the Christian
civilization… the lion of Christianity, the defender of Christian values, the
president that’s calling his nation back to embracing its identity as a nation
founded on Christian values” - Bryan Fischer, American Family Association
"Vladimir Putin has looked like a statesman" - Pat
Buchanan
"He's a statesman, he's a partner in peace and he's in
a position where he can lecture the United States of America."- Charles
Krauthammer, Syndicated Columnist
"If this were a tennis match it would be the umpire
shouting advantage Putin."- Sen. Rand Paul
"Look at Putin -- what he's doing with Russia -- I mean, you
know, what's going on over there. I mean this guy has done -- whether you like
him or don't like him -- he's doing a great job in rebuilding the image of
Russia and also rebuilding Russia period.” – Donald Trump
"I
think he's done really a great job of outsmarting our country.” –
Donald Trump
"I
think I'd get along very well with Vladimir Putin. I just think so.” – Donald Trump
"He's running
his country and at least he's a leader, unlike what we have in this country. I think our country does plenty of killing
also." – Donald Trump
"I
don't think he has any respect for Clinton. I think he respects me. I think it
would be great to get along with him.” – Donald Trump
“I always knew he was
very smart!” – Donald Trump
How Do They Love Thee? Let Me Count the Ways -
Putin’s Resume
"Millions around the world increasingly see America not
as a model of democracy but as relying solely on brute force, cobbling
coalitions together under the slogan, 'You're either with us or against
us.'" - Vladimir Putin
Before the GOP files the legal
documentation for the official nomenclature change to Good Old Putin, some lowlights from the matinee
idol who sets Trumpsters hearts aflutter and launches libidos into overdrive -
Anyone with a remote control is aware
of Russia’s annexation of Crimea and its installation of soldiers on the
Ukraine border (Obama’s fault, of course) but a U.S. State Department study
reveals the wide-ranging extent of Putin’s human right’s violations. He has
suppressed dissent, persecuted LGBT citizens, ignored the rule of law and
allowed killing and torture by police -
“… allegations of torture and excessive
force by law enforcement officials, life-threatening prison conditions,
interference in the judiciary and the right to a fair trial, restrictions on
freedom of speech and press, restrictions on free assembly and association,
restrictions on religious freedom of some religious minorities, electoral
irregularities, widespread corruption, societal and official intimidation of
civil society and labor activists, violence against women and limits on the
rights of women in certain regions, trafficking in persons, and limitations on
workers’ rights… Reports from human rights groups and former police officers
indicated that police most often used electric shocks, suffocation, and
stretching or applying pressure to joints and ligaments, as those methods are
less prone to leave visible marks.”
Then, of course, a particular favorite
of America’s holier than thou population is Putin’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill,
which makes it unlawful to inform children of the existence of homosexuality or
to equate homosexuality with heterosexuality in any way. Violators face fines,
jail time, and immediate deportation (the latter being much more of a reward
than a punishment.) Resulting violence against members of the LGBT
community has skyrocketed as police not only provide no protection but actively
participate in the brutality (actions many U.S. Bible-thumpers label,
“defending our religious liberties.”)
Treason: a violation of allegiance to
one’s state
From the day of Barack Obama’s inauguration, continuing through
Russia’s installation of Donald Trump as their puppet ruler, Republicans have
demonstrated, time and again, their disloyalty to America and to its foundation
and principles. And their voracious, vocal and vehement exaltation for Russian
President Vladimir Putin is merely a continuation and most contemporary communication
of that outlook.
Ironically and irrationally, while GOP
supporters spent 8 years painting our president a Communist, their pulses
race wildly for a genuine, card-carrying member of the Stalinist flock,
preferring a ruthless, dictatorial,
Bolshevik foreign leader to an American, democratically-elected President whose
ascension and whose biography is the living embodiment of the American Dream.
The Right Wing’s problem with pigmentation perception is tragically sad, and
pragmatically perilous for, when all is said and done, no matter the harrowing
consequences, in the cocktail lounge of global politics a Conservative will
always chose a White Russian over a Black and Tan.
We conclude as Little Peggy March
performs the GOP anthem, “I Will Follow Him.”
Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid
confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.
