Sunday, August 14, 2016

Presidential Envy – Sizing Up Trump’s Place in History

 “When I was a little bitty boy,
My Grandmother bought me a cute little toy,
Silver bells hanging on a string,
She told me it was my Ding-a-ling”- 
Chuck Berry

Today we return to the glorious yesteryears of this current Presidential campaign, to a time thousands of Trump gaffes ago - before assassination recommendations, Gold Star Family prize fights or treasonous alliances with Putin and the Russian mob;  to a much simpler, sillier era, when we naively believed that bragging about the girth and length of his (how shall I tactfully state this) John Thomas, in front of an audience of millions in the midst of a GOP candidate’s debate, would be sufficient evidence that Trump was unqualified emotionally, psychologically and developmentally for his name to even be set in newspaper type alongside the phrase “Commander in Chief.” Little could we innocents conceive, perceive or imagine the nonstop barrage of insanity that was yet to come.

Far be it for this pinko, Liberal blog page to suddenly join the ranks of apologists for Donald J., the worst, most unfit, mentally unstable and sexually criminal candidate for office in any district, county, city, state, country or nation-state since the dawn of mankind;  including dog catcher, urine cake replacer or ancient Roman vomitorium rinser (although, honestly, I doubt those last two are genuinely elected positions) but when your crack staff of researchers, interns, barristers, baristas, mixologists and masseuses burn the midnight oil (or body oil, in the case of the masseuses) and turn up relevant, inexpungable evidence, counter or not to pre-established political leanings and opinions, the truth, as unpleasant and ugly as it may be, must be reported.  So, while any rational being would be wise in assuming that Trump’s self-reverential allusion to, and glorification of, his genitalia would be unheard of and unique in American presidential lore, (here comes the exaggerated and obvious comic setup) the aforementioned investigation has proven that such is not the case. Yes, many previous occupants of the Oval Office have mentioned their manhood, (should I begin shameful apologies yet) and as a respected and responsible reporter of Americana, I would be remiss in not presenting these historical facts (and when I say "facts" I have my fingers crossed behind my back.)


“Look at these hands. Are these small hands? If they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem, I guarantee you.” – Donald Trump: Unbelievably, an actual United States Presidential Nominee 
(Blog author editorial commentary, “Eeeewwww!”)

We shall commence this extremely enlightening and educational entry with a handful of genuine, unedited quotes containing, now obvious, organ-esque references that history has somehow forever been misinterpreting. Thankfully, Trump’s improper presidential posture now shines a dimmed scarlet light on some more risqué readings.

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” – Teddy "Barry White" Roosevelt (come on, how did we miss that one?)

“We do things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.” – John F. Kennedy (mea culpa to all of the many generations of Kennedys, Smiths and Shrivers)

 “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.” – Thomas Jefferson (always the wishful thinker)

“There are some people, you know, they think the way to be a big man is to shout and stomp and raise hell-and then nothing ever really happens. I'm not like that I never shoot blanks.” -  Richard M. Nixon (proudly potent!)

“Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.” - Abraham Lincoln (from the pre-presidential, little-known publication, “Abe and Mary’s Steps to a Satisfying Sex Life.”)

As this is, and shall always remain, a blog free of gutter language, to be enjoyed and shared by all family members, the section to follow will have certain words edited out and replaced with a blank space to be filled only by your vivid imaginations.

“And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your ____ can do for you, ask what you can do for your ____” – John F. Kennedy

“Ich bin ein Bratwurst.” – John F. Kennedy (re: prior mea culpa – ditto)

“My concern today is not with the length of a person's _____but with his conduct.” - Richard M. Nixon

“I am not a ____.” – Richard M. Nixon

“When you reach the end of your _____, tie a knot in it and hang on.” - Franklin D. Roosevelt

“Four score and seven inches ago…” – Abraham Lincoln (rightfully rejected Gettysburg Address first draft)

“And in the end it’s not the ____ in your life that count, but the life in your _____.” – Abraham Lincoln

“Read my ____. No new taxes.” – George H.W. Bush

“_____ are stubborn things.” – John Adams

“I think when you spread the _____around it's good for everybody.” - Barack Obama

“I found this _____, doubled, wrapped in a big bow waiting for me as I stepped into the Oval Office.” - Barack Obama

And finally, although not presidential but equally memorable in nature –

“That’s one small _____ for man, one giant _____ for mankind.” – Neil Armstrong (the bona fide, original statement as he was lightheaded from space travel - later modified by NASA for posterity)

Please remember, what you just patiently suffered through was more than just an attempt at childish, sophomoric, dumb, easy, cheap laughs, but rather intelligent and sophisticated satire, artfully and cleverly hidden in the form of puerile and immature, junior high school penis jokes to purposely demonstrate just how ludicrous, embarrassing and shameful Trump’s comportment has been. Now, please repeat that idea enough times until such repetition tricks you into exhausted belief.

We conclude, and continue with the classy, cultured, and oh so erudite tenor and tone of today’s blog, with the last hit and worst song ever recorded by the legendary Chuck Berry, “My Ding-a-Ling.”

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

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