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| Admit it, you'd rather see this than the real one
“When I was a little boy
Way back home in Liverpool My mama told me I was great Then when I was a teenager I knew that I had got something going All my friends told me I was great And now I'm a man A woman took me by the hand And you know what she told me, I was great” – John Lennon |
Dedicated
to 101 year old comedy legend, Professor Irwin Corey, the one and only true
"world's foremost authority."
As we all know, Donald J. Trump is the greatest living
being to ever trod terra firma. There is nothing that he cannot do and do
better, nothing he does not know and know more about, than any other member of
the world’s vast population - from feats
of great strength and athleticism to brain-bending mathematical equations and
advanced scientific formulas, from arresting arias to enchanting entrechat, from
acts of unmatched kindness, empathy and generosity to an unparalleled sexual desirability,
prowess and proficiency.
His genitalia is the thing of myth, story and song;
his brain, a wondrous instrument of enlightenment, wisdom and remarkable
prescience; his physicality of a kind previously thought only possible from a
child of Krypton. As mere mortals, we can but bow to such
superiority and count ourselves more than fortunate to exist at this same
moment in humankind’s development as this great, nay, greatest, of all men, the
pinnacle of human evolution and achievement. Technically, a homosapien by genus, this individual
known as “The Donald” is truly more god than man - just ask him.
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| Ditto - although this time, it's Johnny Depp! |
Intelligent and discerning readers, very likely,
you are doubtful of the integrity and validity of the prior paragraphs, as well
you should be. To substantiate your sensible and insightful judgment and to further
demonstrate the insane level of ludicrousness in the self-serving claims of
omnipotence by this master of massive egotism, we will present a series of actual
Trump quotes, boasting and bragging of his many skills and abilities, along with equally ridiculous flights of fancy concocted by the one-man-strong writing
staff, here at “… and several butcher’s aprons.” Your mission, is to discern
the factual from the fictional and, upon doing so, the truth shall unspool like a Melania Trump, black and white, 8 millimeter stag film.
Modest Musings of a
Humble Man
Christian Theology
“Nobody
reads the Bible more than me.”
Zoroastrianism
“Nobody
reads the Avesta more than me.”
Construction
“I will build a great
wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.”
Martinizing (1 hour)
“Nobody,
nobody can dry clean like me. (affects offensive Asian accent) I beat the
Chinese laundry, I beat the Koreans. The Koreans love me, I’m very big with the
Koreans. They say they never heard anybody, not anybody, that includes Josh
Groban, you know the Jews love me too, karaoke as good as me. They love me.”
Benevolence
“I
give a lot of money away to charities and other things. I think I’m actually a
very nice person.”
Interior Design
“I’ve
got the best eye for coordinating patterns in history, I’m not bragging, it’s
been tested. Ask the gays. The gays love me, believe me.”
Linguistics
“I
know words, I have the best words.”
Beauty
“My
fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various
other parts of my body.”
Body Building
“Look, my body happens to
be the male ideal, perfectly proportioned, with the lowest fat to muscle ratio recorded
since the dawn of man. Nobody has glutes like me, nobody.”
Job
Creation
“I will be the greatest
jobs president that God ever created.”
Dermatology
“I’m
to the skin what Seurat was to the canvas, but more manly.”
Race Relations
"I've
always had a great relationship with the blacks."
Family
Values
“I’ve
always wanted a great relationship with my daughter.”
Intellect
"My
IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it!”
Sous-Chef de Cuisine
“You taste my crepes suzette, you’re
genuflecting in worship. I make the world’s best crepe suzette, I’m not telling
you anything new.”
Warfare
“Nobody
would be tougher on ISIS than Donald Trump. Nobody.”
Avoiding Participation in
Warfare
“I
make deals.”
“I don't
have to brag. I don't have to, believe it or not.” – Donald J. Trump
We conclude with the John
Lennon composition quoted above, performed by Ringo Starr, from the great album
Ringo, “I’m the Greatest.”
Any
comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.
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