Thursday, March 24, 2016

The World’s Foremost Authority – Trump Is Better Than You

Admit it, you'd rather see this than the real one

“When I was a little boy
Way back home in Liverpool
My mama told me I was great

Then when I was a teenager
I knew that I had got something going
All my friends told me I was great

And now I'm a man
A woman took me by the hand
And you know what she told me, I was great” – John Lennon

Dedicated to 101 year old comedy legend, Professor Irwin Corey, the one and only true "world's foremost authority."

As we all know, Donald J. Trump is the greatest living being to ever trod terra firma. There is nothing that he cannot do and do better, nothing he does not know and know more about, than any other member of the world’s vast population - from feats of great strength and athleticism to brain-bending mathematical equations and advanced scientific formulas, from arresting arias to enchanting entrechat, from acts of unmatched kindness, empathy and generosity to an unparalleled sexual desirability, prowess and proficiency.

His genitalia is the thing of myth, story and song; his brain, a wondrous instrument of enlightenment, wisdom and remarkable prescience; his physicality of a kind previously thought only possible from a child of Krypton. As mere mortals, we can but bow to such superiority and count ourselves more than fortunate to exist at this same moment in humankind’s development as this great, nay, greatest, of all men, the pinnacle of human evolution and achievement.  Technically, a homosapien by genus, this individual known as “The Donald” is truly more god than man - just ask him.

Ditto - although this time, it's Johnny Depp!
Intelligent and discerning readers, very likely, you are doubtful of the integrity and validity of the prior paragraphs, as well you should be. To substantiate your sensible and insightful judgment and to further demonstrate the insane level of ludicrousness in the self-serving claims of omnipotence by this master of massive egotism, we will present a series of actual Trump quotes, boasting and bragging of his many skills and abilities, along with equally ridiculous flights of fancy concocted by the one-man-strong writing staff, here at “… and several butcher’s aprons.” Your mission, is to discern the factual from the fictional and, upon doing so, the truth shall unspool like a Melania Trump, black and white, 8 millimeter stag film.

Modest Musings of a Humble Man

Christian Theology
“Nobody reads the Bible more than me.”

“Nobody reads the Avesta more than me.”

“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.”

Martinizing (1 hour)
“Nobody, nobody can dry clean like me. (affects offensive Asian accent) I beat the Chinese laundry, I beat the Koreans. The Koreans love me, I’m very big with the Koreans. They say they never heard anybody, not anybody, that includes Josh Groban, you know the Jews love me too, karaoke as good as me. They love me.”

“I give a lot of money away to charities and other things. I think I’m actually a very nice person.”

Interior Design
“I’ve got the best eye for coordinating patterns in history, I’m not bragging, it’s been tested. Ask the gays. The gays love me, believe me.”

“I know words, I have the best words.”

“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.”

Body Building
“Look, my body happens to be the male ideal, perfectly proportioned, with the lowest fat to muscle ratio recorded since the dawn of man. Nobody has glutes like me, nobody.”

Job Creation
“I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.”

“I’m to the skin what Seurat was to the canvas, but more manly.”

Race Relations
"I've always had a great relationship with the blacks."

Family Values
“I’ve always wanted a great relationship with my daughter.”

"My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it!”

Sous-Chef de Cuisine
“You taste my crepes suzette, you’re genuflecting in worship. I make the world’s best crepe suzette, I’m not telling you anything new.”

“Nobody would be tougher on ISIS than Donald Trump. Nobody.”

Avoiding Participation in Warfare
“I make deals.”

“I don't have to brag. I don't have to, believe it or not.” – Donald J. Trump

We conclude with the John Lennon composition quoted above, performed by Ringo Starr, from the great album Ringo, “I’m the Greatest.”

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

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