Bellevue or the White House – Ben Carson M.D. (Me Doctor)

“It's my life and I'll do what I want

It's my mind and I'll think like I want

Show me I'm wrong, hurt me sometime
But someday I'll treat you real fine.”
- The Animals

It’s freshly 2015, bonne année mes amis, and in the Machiavellian, machination-filled mud pit that is U.S. politics that means it’s 2016 part one:  Rise of the Machines. Let the clash of dumbed-down dogma and inflexible ideology commence.  To the victors go the spoils, and to those select billionaires who wager on the proper ponies shall go the fulfillment of their needs and the caretaking of their concerns.  Should those one-percenter desires on occasion accord with those wishes of us wee folk, financially speaking, mores the better.

And to kick off the run-up to the 2016 campaign, submitted for your approval, a fresh feature -  it’s time for America’s favorite new game show, “Bellevue or the White House” (frenzied and only slightly intoxicated studio audience enthusiastically and energetically restates the title in shouts of joy and exultation) where you, the home viewer, get to determine whether potential Republican presidential candidates more appropriately deserve a warm bed in famed Bellevue Hospital’s psychiatric unit, or a comfy chair in the Oval Office.

Canadian comedy icon, David Steinberg, and the original "Me Doctor"

This week’s target, rather, contestant, is a favorite of pre-school graduate and recent brain donor Sarah Palin, the Saudi-run Fox Fake News Channel and the late Charles Guiteau; and along with Allen West he’s one of the only two African-Americans out of the 44.5 million in our country that give Teapublicans an opportunity to pronounce “see, we love the Negros, and that Jackie Robinson was a heck of a ballplayer!”  He’s Dr. Ben Carson, a brilliant and pioneering neurosurgeon whose politics are only slightly right of Jefferson Davis and whose possible personality disorder only a tad less alarming than Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme’s.

"They like us, they really like us! Don't they?"

Before beginning our contest, a little background information about today’s participant, and truth be told, Dr. Carson has quite the impressive resume. With a bachelor’s degree from Yale and an M.D. from the University of Michigan, Carson was a professor of neurosurgery, oncology and plastic surgery at prestigious Johns Hopkins University Hospital; as well as its director of pediatric neurosurgery. He was the first neurosurgeon to successfully separate conjoined twins joined at the head, and a 2008 recipient of the Presidential Medal of Freedom.  Yet, Dr. Carson unfortunately stated and believes the quotes that are soon to follow, providing tragic proof that one can be intelligent, well-educated, accomplished and still a few scalpels shy of a full surgical kit.

These are his words.  We give you the facts, and you make the determination – democracy at its finest.

One Doctor’s Prescription for Disaster – Carson in his own words

His admiration for ISIS and his comparison of them to our Founding Fathers –

“A bunch of rag-tag militiamen defeated the most powerful and professional military force on the planet. Why? Because they believed in what they were doing. They were willing to die for what they believed in. Fast forward to today. What do we have? You’ve got ISIS.”

Marriage equality –

“Marriage is between a man and a woman. No group, be they gays, be they NAMBLA, be they people who believe in bestiality.”

Marijuana legislation –

“… politicians like President Obama and Eric Holder are surreptitiously encouraging marijuana use in order to create a dumb citizenry. That way, doped-up Americans will be distracted by controversies like the name of the Washington Redskins instead of focusing on stories about Benghazi and Fast and Furious.” 

Modern science and Creationism – “I don’t believe in evolution”

Health care reform –

“…the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery.” 

The police shooting of Michael Brown –

“I think a lot of it really got started in the ’60s with the ‘me generation.’ ‘What’s in it for me?’ I hate to say it, but a lot of it had to do with the women’s lib movement.”

??? –

“You know, we live in a Gestapo age”

"I mean, [our society is] very much like Nazi Germany.”

Ah, the classic, and should be verboten, Nazi and Slavery comparisons, those pathetic, heinous and desperate tactics  so frequently employed by the fringe Right Wing in lieu of genuine thought, ideas or sanity.

“I stand by those (remarks); I don’t think there’s anything crazy at all.” – Dr. Ben Carson

Only you can prevent this man from becoming our next President. It’s your life; you can do what you want.  And with that forced last thought as a tenuous connection,  and therefore the weakest segue to a song in the history of the concept of synergy,  an nycityman favorite,  rapidly-aging rapscallion that I be,  Eric Burdon and the Animals perform, “It’s My Life.”

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.