So, That’s Why It’s Called the Idiot Box
The great
people of these 57 United States (see, Conservatives, we’ll tweak Obama once in
a while) and the educated, intelligent, intellectual and inquisitive population
of our terrific terra firma at large, are all atwitter, aflutter, a-jitter,
anxious, antsy and agog about the recent exciting and earth shattering news of
the launch of the Sarah Palin Channel - the channel for those times when Fox
News is getting just a little too erudite and challenging. Well, friends,
lovers or nothing (see John Mayer) lie awake no longer staring wide-eyed at your
crumbling popcorn ceilings in curiosity and wonder, for the awesome and ample offerings of this
nascent network are about to be revealed to you in all of their spectacle and
glory.
And the fee
for this formidable phenomenon is but a trifling $9.95 a month. Sure, one may rejoinder, for only $7.99 a
month a subscription can be gotten to multiple award winning premium networks HBO
or Showtime who, through the years, have presented such clever, sophisticated
and prestigious programming as The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Sex in the City,
Dexter, Nurse Jackie and Homeland. But, be wary, for those are shows for
Communist, Atheist, Muslim, Liberal, Homosexual, Anti-Americans who think and
decide for themselves. Sarah sycophants are real Americans and thus have no
interest in thought, choice or self-determination, but as true and loyal
patriots do only what their Alaskan idol tells them to.
So, cast
aside your TV Guide, which long ago has ceased its now mistitled duty as a
guide to television viewing, gather your 9 millimeter, your Stars and Stripes
and your King James Version and settle in for T.V. as filtered through the mind of Palin – shallow,
supercilious, sanctimonious, and sensationally self-serving – television for
the illiterate, ill-mannered and ill-informed.
The Name
Game – Learn
child rearing the Palin way. Regular segments include Babies First Glock, Fisticuffs
by Five, Sex Before Sixteen and, of course, the eponymous feature in which
Sarah suggests baby names for the expectant viewer. For those hesitant to
recycle the kinfolk’s classics – Track, Willow, Bristol, Piper, Trig and Trip, Palin
will share the unused roll awaiting the next family illegitimate pregnancy (or
rather, virgin birth as the Palins to a man, woman and child preach and practice
abstinence) – Field, Breathe Right, Window, Wallow, Panty, Pepperidge, Trapper,
Trick, Treason, (Isosceles) Triangle, Transformer, Trespass, Trigger or Tranny.
Don’t
Retreat, Reload – This
weekly viewer participation show lets you target Senators and Congressmen for
shootings and attempted assassinations just as your hero Sarah does. Simply call in or log on to the Sarah Palin
Channel website, disclose the name of the disagreeable legislator with whom you
have a dispute, a gun site will be added to a map of that representative’s
location, and one of Palin’s more disturbed devotees, a sizeable and frenzied
congregation, will do the rest. (Legal Disclaimer: The Sarah Palin Channel will
not be held responsible for any violence, homicides or other such criminal
behaviors perpetrated at Palin’s behest, she merely gives the orders but does
not perform them. Sarah aims the pistol but lets you pull the trigger. Any mention or knowledge of Gabby Giffords
will be disavowed.)
The Palin
Family Feud - Ultimate Fighting Edition: The Thrilla in Wasilla – Live, from Alaska, the “where
anyone can be Governor State,” comes a reworking of the timeless game show
based on the infamous, full-family, Palin drunken brawl of a few weeks past. And all the action you heard about and loved
is here. See shirtless Track flagrantly flip the bird while pummeling Willow’s
ex. See Todd strangle a rival Dad until he’s as blue in the face as the
beautiful Alaskan sky. See Bristol
display all the vicious and violent pugilistic skills she learned while still a
toddler on Momma’s knee beating baby animals until deceased because, well, they
make good eatin’, as she repeatedly thrashes a man twice her size, like the
delicate flower of womanhood that she is. And watch the Momma Grizzly stand
safely on the side, shrieking ad infinitum “don’t you know who I am?!” Imagine
the Capulets versus the Montagues if Shakespeare was an ignorant redneck.
In each
episode the Palin clan challenges another celebrity family to the Feud… and to
the death, first up, the Von Trapps. One
family escaped the Nazis, the other the public education system. Liesl meet
Willow, now get ready for a can of whoop-ass.
Sarah’s
Sermonette - No
reputable network would be complete without some unreasonably early Sunday
morning hours devoted to the sacred, the sanctified and the sacrosanct. On each Sabbath, at 6am, Sarah Palin leads
her viewing audience in prayer, sacrifice and worship to her Holy Trinity –
fame, money and ceaseless attention. Offerings are encouraged.
To Tell The
Truth – A revival
of another enduring game show in which Sarah Palin is required to tell the
truth. 1 episode.
Teen Mom – All Palin edition.
Survivor:
Wasilla – No
challenges, no bug eating, no tribal councils. Survive 10 minutes in the
company of Sarah Palin and win 1 million dollars. John McCain couldn’t do it
and he lasted 5 years in a P.O.W. camp.
Wasilla
Palace – Like
“Hollywood Palace” before it, it’s an old-fashioned variety show exhibiting the
prodigious talent in Wasilla and surrounding counties. In the initial
installment, Todd recites the alphabet practically to completion, Track flexes
his pectorals and challenges pre-teen female audience members to arm wrestle, Sarah
displays the flautist skills that cost her victory in the Miss Alaska Pageant
and Bristol performs the fine and ancient art of the ecdysiast.
Leave it to
Beaver – As this
is Alaska, now starring actual beavers.
Abstinence
Makes the Heart Grow Fonder – Bristol makes her sitcom debut. 1 episode.
The American
Unsportsman – This
retooling of the ABC celebrity hunting and fishing show, “The American
Sportsman” features that inimitable Palin flair. She’s in a helicopter with an
assault rifle. The maimed creatures are penned in with no possible means of
escape. It’s the kind of brutally unfair, inhumane slaughter that makes her Muk
Luks tingle and assures that Todd will be enjoying a very special evening.
American
History with Sarah Palin – Never mind the fancy book learnin’, Sarah teaches you the
honest truths of our country’s past, including - the dramatic midnight ride of
Paul Revere to warn the British of the rebellious colonists, the colorful story
of our President’s home, the White House at 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue, and the
enthralling details of our long-standing, never-ending revered alliance with
the virtuous government of North Korea.
Ken Burns' Sarah Palin – Renowned
documentarian Ken Burns follows up his acclaimed 7 episode, 14 hour epic, “The
Roosevelts: An Intimate History” with an examination of the former Governor and Vice Presidential
nominee, delving deep into the thoughts, the mind, the history, the
accomplishments, the wit, the wisdom, the vast knowledge and depth that is
Sarah Palin. 5 minutes.
Why does
this pointless harlequin and mockery of a serious-minded politician/public
figure still remain a daily news item and conservative icon in the country’s
consciousness long beyond her usefulness as an entertaining novelty in a freak
show? It’s easy to extend your 15 minutes when you don’t know how to tell time.
Regular
readers will recall that it’s a tradition here to conclude with a song thematically
related to the subject matter. This go round that obvious tune to topic connection
has proved elusive, so instead, for no particular reason, relax and relish this
memorable piece of 60’s pop perfection, a personal karaoke favorite - the Buckinghams
and “Kind of a Drag.”
Any
comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?
Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.
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