Thursday, August 1, 2013

No Sex Please, We're Skittish

Even Educated Fleas Do It

The Case for Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness

“Sha-la-la-la-la-la, live for today
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, live for today
And don't worry 'bout tomorrow, hey, hey, hey”
 – The Grass Roots

"Virginity Rocks” indeed! Pity such a woefully misguided notion and the frantically, frustrated faithful who follow it. Unmistakably, this is a movement in much need of deliberative dispute, dissent and persuasive disagreement.

Readers often contact me with one common query (not true, this is a flagrantly false set-up) – after such extensive blogging, 119 posts, a quarter of a million views, a permanent afterlife that will exist forever and always on the internet long past my demise,  “what would you most like to be remembered for, what thought, what idea, what concept?”  Well, one goes where the needs arise and it appears that this blog’s greatest contribution to mankind may lie in, of all unexpected things, championing recreational sex!

While this prurient proposal will be possibly perceived as a most insubstantial, inconsequential, insignificant, inappropriate, if not even irresponsible and potentially danger-fraught and health threatening supposition, I say nay.  Yes, nay is what I say, for one should never underestimate the necessity, importance and contribution to happiness, livelihood and long term success, of satisfying, satiating, rewarding, mollifying and gratifying – safe, cautious and responsible - casual carnality.

Perhaps this seems substantially less than a profound postulation, but as a wiser, older gentleman, someone who’s lived a life that’s full and traveled each and every highway, and, yes, much more than this, who did it my way; I suggest to the younger generation, heed this well-intended fatherly advice from someone looking back on decades past of enjoyed opportunities, and of many others that were regrettably passed on. Please have sex.  

If you are a consenting adult in the decade of your 20’s, you’re practically perfect in every way, or certainly, as close to perfection as you will ever achieve. You may never again look or feel as healthy and energetic. At this juncture in your growth and lifecycle, physical and medical excellence is as effortless as a strike out for Ike Davis, a red-light district discount for Elliot Spitzer, or a section 8 exam for Louis Gohmert. Your hormones are peaking and surging, and chances are, while you wear a silly grin, the prospects are a-plenty.

It seems you did pick a fine time to leave me, Lucille
Should interpretation of faith be your desire-denier, if the political propaganda of a many-millennia old, delusory digest; these supposed sacred scriptures penned not by a deity but by ancient, uneducated, superstitious citizens be your behavioral handbook; repudiate this sacrosanct sentence of celibacy, this senseless self-inflicted punishment. In later years, no matter the sincerity of effort and exertion, as the foreboding and frightening faces of Kenny Rogers and Joan Van Ark can concretely attest, no attempt to maneuver and manipulate the hands of time will invert inevitable aging; life’s clock will continuously and steadfastly, rebuff and rebuke reversal. I respectfully submit that you reconsider this hasty waste of these prime and irreplaceable years, for they will not be returning to you.

I was once sexually desirable and active, now I look like a Batman villain
Consecrated couples, ponder, if you will, this point of view – is sex not one of God’s truly great gifts to his children; and is your refusal to participate and partake of His generous and lavish largesse not then, also a refusal to acknowledge and accept His theological divinity? Furthermore, would this not also mean that Hugh Hefner is more blessed than Pat Robertson, and Plato’s Retreat more a sacred sanctuary than the Vatican? In practical consideration of physical manifestation, had He not intended us to experience, appreciate and revel in the pleasures of the flesh, Ken and Barbie’s Toyland interpretation of the human form would, in actuality, be anatomically correct.

You bet, virginity rocks!!
If, to this point, one has not been swayed by this argument for ardor and amour, perchance some reason in rhyme will prevail, with the class of a classic, a timeless Cole Porter lyric updated by yours truly but, nonetheless, faithful to the initial intent conveying the joy and humor of love and intimacy, “Let’s Do It.”

Let’s Do It – 2013

Birds do it, bees do it
High School teens pre-SATs do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

The fully clothed in Iraq do it
Rumours have it Fleetwood Mac do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love

The Palin kids they can’t help do it. 
They can barely refrain
Then preach you shan’t do it
Say, what’s the new baby’s name? 

Barnes and Noble on their shelves do it
Narcissists all by themselves do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love

Most songs by Burt Bacharach do it
Carson joked that sickly yaks do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love

The G.O.P. claims unborn do it
Southern kin in fields of corn do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love

The older folks in Palm Beach do it
If they remember the rules
And Congressmen who impeach do it
When they’re not tweeting their tools

Yes, people all ‘round the globe do it
Travolta’s aliens that probe do it
Let’s do it, let’s fall in love!

Finally, properly performing this abiding tune, the legendary Ella Fitzgerald, followed by the Grass Roots entreating us all to “Live for Today.”

Any comments, questions, criticisms, compliments, candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.


  1. Interesting blog. Similar to mine except mine is mostly videos and hardly write anything. This blog is written well and while I do not agree with his liberal views about sex it is a fun read. http://astarisyou.com music videos

    1. Thanks very much for your kind words. I was just enjoying the videos on your page, great taste in music.