A cautionary tale of science run amok
What Mitt Romney Says. What Humans Say.
“You're wondering who I am-machine or
mannequin
With parts made in Japan, I am the modern man” – Styx
With parts made in Japan, I am the modern man” – Styx
"I'm a normal
person. I have emotions." -
Mitt Romney
During
some recent explorations, the crack research team here at “… and several butcher’s aprons” unearthed some long-forgotten notebooks, documents,
manuscripts, logs, chronicles, records, diaries, scientific journals, cocktail
napkins and matchbooks – lots of things with lengthy and considerably complicated
writing on them, and lipstick-covered telephone numbers. By nature we are
reticent to undertake such an overwhelming endeavor as it inevitably involves a
great deal of reading, ruminating and comprehension; matters much more demanding,
arduous and complex than simply watching television. But curiosity conquered lethargy as we sought
out an explanation for the heretofore unexplainable - how one man could be so
awkward, so uncomfortable, so unnatural whenever forced to encounter a fellow
human being or to appear in a public arena. Contained within these notebooks
and documents and manuscripts and logs (see above for remainder of the
register) is the shocking, staggering and stunning reality – the implausible,
yet genuine, genesis of Willard Mitt Romney.
The Beginning
It was labeled,
“Project Geppetto” and was the brainchild of the wealthy and influential George
Romney, later Chairman and President of American Motors (best remembered for
the phrase, “where’s the rest of your car, toots?”), Secretary of HUD, Governor
of Michigan and GOP Presidential candidate. Perceiving himself, Poppins-esque,
to be sans flaw, spit spot and practically perfect in every way, he entertained intense apprehension that his
progeny would not be as utterly and completely without fault or failing as he.
Consequently, the senior Romney convened the supreme scientific minds of
this post-World War II era to ensure that he would have an impeccable and
superior son. Having freshly encountered little George W, the unfortunate offspring of
good friend, George Herbert Walker Bush, Romney maintained no intention of relying on the
limitations of nature, biology, genetics and heredity. Eight years earlier,
Geppetto team-leader, Professor Phineas T. Horton had developed his first functioning
android. Human in appearance, speech and most behaviors, the one defect in his
otherwise remarkable creation was its tendency to burst into flames upon
contact with ordinarily life-giving oxygen. Eventually learning to control his blazing
abilities, the humanoid vowed lifetime service to humanity, and lived a
celebrated, but unfortunately, celibate life as the fearless and exceedingly
frustrated, original Human Torch. The Professor’s second successful creation, and his opportunity at definitively achieving perfection is, of course, our current
Republican standard-bearer.
Mitt Romney and Reed Richards: Look-a-alike fictional characters you never see together. |
It's Alive
While undoubtedly
impressive, the scientific advances that allowed for the manufacture of Mitt
still had not reached the kind of technological genius that we enjoy and employ
today. Although well-succeeding in having, so far, never spontaneously combusted,
Willard has developed regrettable and proficient powers to humiliate, bully and
harass – stealing from the poor to give to the rich (primarily himself), the
jubilant torment of a family pet followed by the blithe dismissal of said
devilish deed, and the physical assault of one he identified as unusual,
effeminate and beneath his own station. Sadly missing from this hopeful Hall of
President’s automaton are those very mortal and vulnerable traits that come
only with a human birth and can never be artificially recreated or programmed –
compassion, humanity, empathy, sympathy, and understanding.
Mitt Speaks
He’s made up
more stories than Sherezade, bent over further for the Far Right than a call
girl with severe scoliosis, has held more positions than a yoga-master in a
threesome, has had more changes of heart than a Kardashian at the NBA All-Star
game and is more uncomfortable with possible human interaction than Marcus
Bachmann at a Sadie Hawkins Day dance. What follows are Mitt’s own words presented
in pairings of authentic Romney quotes with phrases or opinions stated in a
manner native to actual homo-sapiens. Through this direct contrast we see,
although almost flawlessly human in both programming and hardware, it is concretely
clear there is a missing heart and soul.
What Humans Say/What Mitt Romney Says
“Wanna’ bet? Come
on, 5 bucks.”/“Rick, I’ll tell you what,
10,000 bucks? $10,000 bet?”
“I read it on the
plane.”/“I read the article on the
aircraft.”
“Thanks very
much, these are great.”/"I'm not sure about these cookies. They don't look like you
made them. No, no. They came from the local 7-eleven, bakery, or
whatever."
“That guy’s tall,
I wonder if he plays basketball.”/”I met
a guy yesterday, 7 feet tall… I figured he had to be in sport, but he wasn’t in
sport!”
“I’ve been fortunate
in my life, but I understand the needs and problems of the hard-hit middle
class worker.”/"Maybe I should tell
my story. I'm also unemployed."
“I
enjoy NASCAR”/”I don't follow NASCAR as
closely as some of the most ardent fans. But I have some great friends who are
NASCAR team owners."
“We support and appreciate our dedicated and brave lifesavers,
and our fine educators who help mold the future of our great nation.”/ “He
says (President Obama) we need more firemen, more policemen, more teachers. Did
he not get the message in Wisconsin? The American people did. It's time for us
to cut back on government and help the American people.”
“Government of the people, by the
people, for the people."/”Corporations
are people, my friend.”
“As a businessman, one of the hardest
responsibilities is letting someone go.”/” I like being able to fire people that provide
services to me.”
“A society is
only as strong as it weakest members.”/"I'm
not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.”
”$374,000!!?? Woo
hoo!!!” /"I get speaker's fees from
time to time, but not very much."
???????/“I believe in an America where millions of
Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans
believe in. That’s the America I love.”
And now, remaining vigilantly quite on topic,
Styx with “Mr. Roboto” -
Hahah, I needed that laugh. Great job!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks very much, I'm always very appreciative of comments.
ReplyDeletehahaha very good post!
ReplyDeleteThank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! And thanks for the feedback.
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