Monday, June 25, 2012

Mitt Romney – A.I.: Artificial Intelligence

A cautionary tale of science run amok

What Mitt Romney Says. What Humans Say.

“You're wondering who I am-machine or mannequin
With parts made in Japan, I am the modern man” – Styx

"I'm a normal person. I have emotions." - Mitt Romney

During some recent explorations, the crack research team here at “… and several butcher’s aprons” unearthed some long-forgotten notebooks, documents, manuscripts, logs, chronicles, records, diaries, scientific journals, cocktail napkins and matchbooks – lots of things with lengthy and considerably complicated writing on them, and lipstick-covered telephone numbers. By nature we are reticent to undertake such an overwhelming endeavor as it inevitably involves a great deal of reading, ruminating and comprehension; matters much more demanding, arduous and complex than simply watching television.  But curiosity conquered lethargy as we sought out an explanation for the heretofore unexplainable - how one man could be so awkward, so uncomfortable, so unnatural whenever forced to encounter a fellow human being or to appear in a public arena. Contained within these notebooks and documents and manuscripts and logs (see above for remainder of the register) is the shocking, staggering and stunning reality – the implausible, yet genuine, genesis of Willard Mitt Romney.

The Beginning
It was labeled, “Project Geppetto” and was the brainchild of the wealthy and influential George Romney, later Chairman and President of American Motors (best remembered for the phrase, “where’s the rest of your car, toots?”), Secretary of HUD, Governor of Michigan and GOP Presidential candidate. Perceiving himself, Poppins-esque, to be sans flaw, spit spot and practically perfect in every way, he entertained intense apprehension that his progeny would not be as utterly and completely without fault or failing as he. Consequently, the senior Romney convened the supreme scientific minds of this post-World War II era to ensure that he would have an impeccable and superior son.  Having freshly encountered  little George W, the unfortunate offspring of good friend, George Herbert Walker Bush,  Romney maintained no intention of relying on the limitations of nature, biology, genetics and heredity. Eight years earlier, Geppetto team-leader, Professor Phineas T. Horton had developed his first functioning android. Human in appearance, speech and most behaviors, the one defect in his otherwise remarkable creation was its tendency to burst into flames upon contact with ordinarily life-giving oxygen.  Eventually learning to control his blazing abilities, the humanoid vowed lifetime service to humanity, and lived a celebrated, but unfortunately, celibate life as the fearless and exceedingly frustrated, original Human Torch. The Professor’s second successful creation, and his opportunity at definitively achieving perfection is, of course, our current Republican standard-bearer.
Mitt Romney and Reed Richards:
 Look-a-alike fictional characters you never see together.

It's Alive
While undoubtedly impressive, the scientific advances that allowed for the manufacture of Mitt still had not reached the kind of technological genius that we enjoy and employ today. Although well-succeeding in having, so far, never spontaneously combusted, Willard has developed regrettable and proficient powers to humiliate, bully and harass – stealing from the poor to give to the rich (primarily himself), the jubilant torment of a family pet followed by the blithe dismissal of said devilish deed, and the physical assault of one he identified as unusual, effeminate and beneath his own station. Sadly missing from this hopeful Hall of President’s automaton are those very mortal and vulnerable traits that come only with a human birth and can never be artificially recreated or programmed – compassion, humanity, empathy, sympathy, and understanding.

Mitt Speaks
He’s made up more stories than Sherezade, bent over further for the Far Right than a call girl with severe scoliosis, has held more positions than a yoga-master in a threesome, has had more changes of heart than a Kardashian at the NBA All-Star game and is more uncomfortable with possible human interaction than Marcus Bachmann at a Sadie Hawkins Day dance. What follows are Mitt’s own words presented in pairings of authentic Romney quotes with phrases or opinions stated in a manner native to actual homo-sapiens. Through this direct contrast we see, although almost flawlessly human in both programming and hardware, it is concretely clear there is a missing heart and soul.

What Humans Say/What Mitt Romney Says
“Wanna’ bet? Come on, 5 bucks.”/“Rick, I’ll tell you what, 10,000 bucks? $10,000 bet?”

“I read it on the plane.”/“I read the article on the aircraft.”

“Thanks very much, these are great.”/"I'm not sure about these cookies. They don't look like you made them. No, no. They came from the local 7-eleven, bakery, or whatever."

“That guy’s tall, I wonder if he plays basketball.”/”I met a guy yesterday, 7 feet tall… I figured he had to be in sport, but he wasn’t in sport!”

“I’ve been fortunate in my life, but I understand the needs and problems of the hard-hit middle class worker.”/"Maybe I should tell my story. I'm also unemployed."

“I enjoy NASCAR”/”I don't follow NASCAR as closely as some of the most ardent fans. But I have some great friends who are NASCAR team owners."

“We support and appreciate our dedicated and brave lifesavers, and our fine educators who help mold the future of our great nation.”/ He says (President Obama) we need more firemen, more policemen, more teachers. Did he not get the message in Wisconsin? The American people did. It's time for us to cut back on government and help the American people.”

“Government of the people, by the people, for the people."/”Corporations are people, my friend.”

“As a businessman, one of the hardest responsibilities is letting someone go.”/” I like being able to fire people that provide services to me.”

“A society is only as strong as it weakest members.”/"I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there.”

”$374,000!!?? Woo hoo!!!” /"I get speaker's fees from time to time, but not very much."

???????/“I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.”

 And now, remaining vigilantly quite on topic, Styx with “Mr. Roboto” -


  1. Hahah, I needed that laugh. Great job!!!

  2. Thanks very much, I'm always very appreciative of comments.

  3. Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! And thanks for the feedback.