The War on the Proudly Ignorant
“If elected, I will win” - Pat Paulsen
Ladies and gentleman, and children of all ages – proudly presenting the perfect panacea for people’s political primary perplexities - enough vapid verbosity, it’s time for nycityman to put his metro card where his mouth is and pursue his proper position as the premiere powerful politico on the planet – President of these great 49 states - most likely, I’ll be cutting Seward’s Folly (Sarah, that would be Alaska) loose. And tread lightly Lone Star State, keep up your preposterous posturing and you might actually be getting your secession wish. Do we really need a territory so awash in intellectual disarray that it produces not only the likes of George W. Bush, but Rick Perry as well?
For those of you so politically deluded as to believe Obama liberal, never the less socialist - adjust your mirrors, assess the airbags, buckle in both lap and shoulder straps, you’re about to take a Kojak-chase-scene-worthy, ruthless and relentless left turn. nycityman is a liberal – Obama’s a less paranoid and more honest Nixon (well, actually he’s right of Milhouse on a number of policies.) No more capitulating to every whiney Republican or God-loving but somehow people-hating, Evangelical demand. As far as the Tea Party is concerned, I’ll fade that foul fad faster than pet rocks and click-clacks. Before any exchange is allowed with the new Commander-in-Chief each aspiring participant will first be required to partake in a spelling bee, a mathlete meet or an American History test. This will essentially eliminate the opportunity for any enthusiastically uneducated Tea Bagger to ever darken my doorway.
I envision a better America, a stronger America, a freer America, a more tolerant America, an America that has been to the desert on a Horse with No Name. And so, forthwith is the platform of an imaginary, blog-created character –
I’ll always speak the truth. If the posed posit is relevant to the candidacy, I will openly reply. If the answer is unknown to me, rather than impart my ignorance with fictional facts or falsehoods (see: I didn’t inhale, I never had sex with that woman, death panels, weapons of mass destruction or anything, anytime from Michele Bachmann’s open mouth – a situation never enjoyed by Marcus) I will render research and respond responsibly in the near future. To quote college founder Emil Faber, “Knowledge is good.”
All military personnel will be departing Iraq and Afghanistan post-haste, and we’ll examine the possibility of exiting other bases around the globe as well. Why not stop fighting WWII and finally leave Germany and Japan in our rearview mirrors? It appears that that situation is pretty well in hand now, and Tojo and Hitler no longer pose the grave danger to our republic that they once did. Good job Joe – pack up your Betty Grable pin-ups, your Glenn Miller 78’s and your zoot suits. Levitt Town is calling, and don’t sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me (no, no, no.)
Time to legalize and tax marijuana - the revenues from Bill Maher alone will aid a great deal in balancing our budget deficit. It would also provide much needed financial influx to the comedy industry. Wide-spread and accepted use of cannabis will suddenly make almost anyone seem funny and once again Paulie Shore and Gallagher will be able to retain legal and quality domestic help. Little Debbie, Orville Redenbacher and Ben and Jerry will, no doubt, experience upturns as well.
We will be a happier, healthier, thinner, taller, more sexually active, clearer-skinned, tanner, more hirsute and wealthier nation thanks to the institution of single-payer healthcare, universal healthcare, socialized medicine, Medicare for all - whichever phrase makes you feel more patriotic and less like a Bolshevik, (Hit threatening organ sting now, aurally signifying that America will soon be awash in a Red tidal wave and cease to exist as the current democratic nirvana for the obscenely wealthy - “damn dirty apes!“) In order to stress preventative medicine and physical fitness, every man, woman and child, and select domesticated animal, will receive a shake weight and ab circle pro. An additional side benefit of this program will be the business expansion of Gunthy Renker accompanied by its need to employ more of the red, white and blue citizenry.
We will catch up to the rest of the civilized world and nationally legalize gay marriage. There exists not a single, rational, logical or intelligent argument against doing so. Gay marriage does not, in any way, affect the supposed sanctity of your holy, heavenly sanctioned, bedrock of civilization, strong and solid, blessed heterosexual betrothal. There already exist scores of satisfied, successful and spirited gay unions - look how Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s relationship has thrived. And if homosexual happiness somehow offends your delicate religious sensibilities, well, if you use your faith as an excuse to discriminate against your fellow free and equal American citizens, than a certain newly elected president may look into the legality of said phony, fractious faith as it relates to the First Amendment to the Constitution. Religious right-wingers sing the song of smaller government yet frequently further federal incursion into our boudoirs (or backyards, saunas, office elevators. mall shoe stores, federal monuments, Gymborees - dependent upon your degree of amorous adventuring.) Unlike most politicians who put on a good show regarding religious convictions and attendance at Sunday services, I readily admit that I harbor no pious propensities, and therefore am answerable to no one but the American people. And isn’t that exceedingly preferable to someone who’s anxiously awaiting end of days and the sweet rapture of extermination?
There will be no official language. We are an ever-evolving society built upon immigration. Soon we will be a majority of minorities, Rather than fight this, the very intent and design of the country, that which makes us so exceptional and so noble - welcome the waves of new Americans and embrace the richness and uniqueness each new group brings to our culture. If there were an official language, than justice would demand that it be a Native American tongue. Beware of what you wish, Tea Baggers, you assert you want your country back, perhaps we should then return it to its rightful owners,
I mentioned legalization of marijuana, correct? Sometimes I get a little forgetful.
Education is very likely the most significant item that government can foster and provide. Consequently, when federal cuts are negotiated, it is the primary place the GOP wields its slashing saber. For, the less informed, the less knowledgeable, the less educated people are, the easier it is for the Republicans to effectively prevaricate and manipulate. When a nation has developed a culture that believes it a point of pride to be ignorant and believes education to be elitist; when any society has reached a position where Sarah Palin is considered one of the best and brightest and a viable candidate for any public office, it’s time to embrace Caligula and welcome our unavoidable fall.
No more corporate welfare. Tax breaks to companies that ship jobs overseas will end on day one of my administration. Next we raise the taxes on the top 2 percent of the wealthiest that benefit the most from what this country and capitalism have to offer. GE and Exxon-Mobil your days of being treated as one of Jerry’s kids are over. Norm Crosby and Buddy Greco will now only be shilling for the truly needy
Finally, I would be remiss if I forgot to mention the legalization of marijuana.
nycityman will run as a Republican and easily secure that party’s nomination. All one need do is demonstrate a complete lack of intellectual curiosity and exhibit an arrogant, superior pride in one’s acute ignorance. I’ll reject science, history and fact. I’ll scoff at the notion that spewing poisons into the air and water, and annihilating species after species will have a negative effect on our ecosystem on which we all rely for survival. Isn’t it somewhat ironic that Sarah Palin doesn’t believe in evolution? Is there a more concrete, living, breathing example of a lesser-evolved life form displaying significantly lower intelligence and cognitive ability?
Examine my opponents - I’m fitter than Newt, more genuine than Mitt, exactly 376 times more intelligent than Perry, saner than Bachmann, prettier than Palin, and for those of you who have that certain unspoken problem with our president - I’m whiter than Barack Obama.
We conclude this campaign stop with a musical organization that I recently had the extraordinary pleasure of seeing perform live, the incomparable Mormon Tabernacle Choir with a song that expresses the greatness within our republic - The House I Live In.