Being Mrs.Trump: Is it Really Worth the Money?

It can’t be easy being betrothed to a sociopath, particularly one who is also the planet’s most rampant narcissist – a petty, minor, baby-man, powerless to love or admire any other being but the pumpkin-hued golem that adoringly and affectionately scowls in devotion and desire from the looking glass. To wed Trump is to pledge fidelity, faithfulness and affection to an unhinged, unstable, immoral monster incapable of returning said human sentiments in kind, and who believes sexual assault a rite of a relationship, as avowed and affirmed by first employee/wife, Ivana, in an early 1990’s courtroom deposition. For the sake of the mistresses and wives to follow, one would hope that Trump’s more brutal and depraved inclinations and disposition have subsided with the onset of his autumn years.

Wife #1

Now, no judgement intended or inferred, I’m a red-blooded American male, former youthful Playboy Club key holder, who has spied and appreciated more than his share of randy, ribald, erotic, dare I say, even suggestive, cave drawings, etchings, tintypes and snapshots in his time, but, the fact is that, rare has been the road to the White House that commenced with frequent nude modeling and continued with undocumented immigration.  With the possible exceptions of Dolly “Snack Cakes” Madison and Hannah “Va Va Voom” Van Buren, Melania Knauss’s specific rise to the Rose Garden is a true first among First Ladies.  Just remember the Republican uproar over Michelle Obama’s exposed, toned arms. “Oh my, I do believe my delicate sensibilities have been assaulted. I feel the vapors coming on!”

Wife #2

More unique, still, is the fact that this first lady, third employee/wife, appears under no actual obligation to live with her specious spouse, reside in the same general geographical quadrant of the continental United States, or have anything much to do with him at all. Infrequent, even, are the instances in which she will publicly admit knowledge of his existence.  “The Donald Trump, oh yes, I recall him, he walked into our dressing room as we were changing at a fashion show.”

Wife #3

And what are the terms of the matrimonial employment agreement? Does it vary from spouse to spouse to spouse (to spouse?) Is there a 401k and dental insurance, or perhaps, more aptly, comprehensive coverage for cosmetic reconstruction? Has each sorrowful consort, in turn, been contractually compelled to have (shudder) physical relations with the repulsive and hideous hobgoblin with reliable regularity, or is it exclusively intended for reproductive reasons - to usher another generation of ferret-faced thieves, liars and takers into the world?  

Ferret or Eric Trump? You decide.

Once a new Drumpf has suckled off the silver spoon, is the compensated Mom responsible for the upbringing while debauched Donald carries on with his very public sexual affairs and assaults, or does an army of au pairs nurture and raise bouncing baby billionaire after bouncing baby billionaire? At what age is each wife required to resign from her odious assignment,  deemed too long in the tooth to be worthy of the god among men, incomparable Adonis that is the unwavering vision the madman has of himself, rapidly replaced by a younger model that he financially procures? Donald already has the return receipt prepared to hustle wife number 3 back to her homeland, having surpassed previously established chronological confines; but for public appearances, currently delayed until at least the impeachment process inaugurates to initiate that exchange. And, finally, how bountiful a settlement does each divorcee receive for their years of service, and most significantly, their sworn silence?

Wife #4?

It somewhat struck me that parallels can be drawn between the desire of glamorous, accented, foreign wife Melania to remain in residence in her Manhattan penthouse apartment and the same desire of glamorous, accented, foreign wife Lisa Douglas to similarly stay in her opulent Gotham high-rise, as so well expressed in the opening theme song to the classic series, “Green Acres.” Or, probably, I’m kind of just stupid and was permitted to watch far too many hours of television as a child. Whatever the case may be, today’s bit of trumpery (Noun: 1. attractive articles of little value or use. Adjective: 1.showy but worthless) concludes with that well-remembered and beloved TV jingle, rejiggered for the present and extremely temporary, illegitimate First Couple.

Wife #5?

Lawbreakers

Donald: Lawbreaker is the name for me
I get away with each crime spree
Graft spreadin' out so far and wide
I’m heading to D.C. to profit off genocide

Melania: New York is where I'd rather stay
As you’ll be living far away.

I’ll love our penthouse without you

Dahling, I loathe you so give me 5th Avenue

Donald: The wars

Melania: Your whores

Donald: Hot air

Melania: Despair

Donald: You’re my paid wife
Melania: Good bye all our lives
Together: Lawbreakers, we are there

Enjoy the original “Green Acres” ditty, followed by a blog bonus, a wonderful moment from the most recent “Saturday Night Live,” a season-ending funereal farewell to the crime syndicate known as the Trump Administration.

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com