Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: Your 2012 Republican Candidates
“… for pure, blind stupidity, nobody beats Santorum. In my 20 years in the Senate, I never met a dumber member.” - Mark Salter, aide to John McCain,
“I'd say that Rick Santorum has one of the finest minds of the 13th century.” - Tom Ferrick, The Philadelphia Inquirer
“Radical feminists have been making the pitch that justice demands that women and men be given an equal opportunity to make it to the top in the workplace.” - Rick Santorum
“So I go insane
Like I always do” - Lindsey Buckingham
A mysterious stranger born of an ancient peoples, he’s traversed the corridors of time with the cruel, ruthless and merciless intent of spreading his bizarre and barbaric behaviors and beliefs. With him, he carries a sacred satchel containing only mid-twentieth century, suburban-American sweater vests. Each sanctified garment represents a core tenet of his antediluvian philosophy and ideology - inequality of the sexes and races, religious intolerance, rejection of science and fact, bigotry toward the gay community, the promotion of ignorance over enlightenment, and the dread fear of all things sexual. His eventual objective - to eliminate any traces of women, homosexuals, non-Catholic Christians, college students, the poor, the working class, union members, teachers, individuals with skin tones more than two shades darker than his own, liberals, Birkenstock retailers, vegetarians, intellectuals, scientists, every member of the Field family - Frank, Storm and even Allison, immigrants whose last names are exceptionally difficult to either spell or pronounce, Williamsburg hipsters, choreographers, the Children’s Television Workshop-creators of Sesame Street, and of course, the Blue Man Group (a point of agreement) from the surface of our beloved planet (the very same terra firma that he believes requires no ecological attention, as it exists solely for the purpose of humankind to use and then to drain of its resources); and to destroy modern civilization as we know it. He’s known only by the name - SANTORUM! Rick Santorum - righteous hero to none;
combatant in the war against progress; enemy of equality, education, environmentalism and evolution - virtuous champion of one-time, formerly controversial topics that have been settled lo these last many eons, since the wheel and fire were considered the iphone and ipad of their day.
Possible President to be Santorum, is “anti” issues no one ever has been “anti” of before in the entire history of politics. Caesar Augustus would deem him old-fashioned and backward thinking (but then upon his passing make him a god, as was the want in olden days when a glimpse of stocking was looked on as something shocking - Santorum, Roman God of the Sadly Clueless, Lucky Enough to Have Nice Hair Though) He’s anti-education! Who has ever cautioned us about the creeping, skulking dangers and temptations of a good education before? A pertinent fact - the unemployment rate for college graduates stands at 4.5%, while it is 9.5% for those without college degrees. He’s anti-separation of Church and State - a religious zealot who is actually against freedom of religion, as the First Amendment is the only thing standing between Rick and his required membership in our potential new state faith, in which we will now be worshipping the ancient Aztec god, Huitzilopochtli. He occasionally demands a human sacrifice but there are an exorbitant number of paid holidays, so it fairly evens out. He’s also anti-contraception as, much like the mother in “Carrie,” and the high school classmate who found herself in the unfortunate circumstance of having Santorum be her “first” - Rick believes sex to be dirty, nasty and sinful (just as it should be when performed properly) and an act to be reserved only for the marriage bed and even then only for the purpose of procreation, As Santorum has 7 children, we can be hopeful that wife. Karen, has only had to suffer through the tender, skillful, soulful, artful, passionate, Marvin Gaye-like, love-making of “Rick the Quick” just those 7 times.
Is Santorum actually the backwards, ignorant, bigoted, hate-filled, small-minded cretin he appears to be (I say this, of course, with a generosity of spirit, complete impartiality and without a hint of irrationally, angry exaggeration) or is he, in point of fact, shrewd and aware that his most likely pathway to secure the Republican nomination is to appeal to the lowest common denominator.- to appeal to the haters and the intolerant. His social politics are certainly pre-20th century, and he takes his policy cues more from Matthew, Luke and John than from Washington, Jefferson and Adams - and the modern day Republican has gotten so far to the right that he may be exactly what they're looking for. They're bitter and angry that women and homosexuals and blacks and other minorities have made so many strides and they blame them for their own troubles and insufficiencies. The presence of a black man in the White House was the final straw to push these extremists out of the shadows and into the mainstream GOP. Now they’ve got a candidate breathing reactionary, regressive fire, while cloaking his fanaticism in the flag and crown of thorns.
As always, in the “Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” series, we like to conclude by allowing the subjects to bury themselves with revelations of their own nonsensical, fanciful, implausible, but embarrassingly memorable quotations. Santorum has been such a font of foolishness and preposterous proclamations that he has clearly demonstrated his qualifications to serve as Governor of Alaska.
On the virtues of higher education -
“President Obama once said he wants everybody in America to go to college. What a snob. Taught by some liberal college professor trying to indoctrinate them,”
"I understand why Barack Obama wants to send every kid to college, because of their indoctrination mills, absolutely ... The indoctrination that is going on at the university level is a harm to our country."
"62 percent of kids who go into college with a faith commitment leave without it,"
On his obsession with the indecent nature of sex, often with particular care and attention to the detailed depictions of explicit, sweaty, hot man-on-man action, the likes of which have not been heard outside of a Marcus Bachmann Yahoo chat -
“Woodstock is the great American orgy. This is who the Democratic Party has become. They have become the party of Woodstock. The prey upon our most basic primal lusts, and that’s sex. And the whole abortion culture, it’s not about life. It’s about sexual freedom. That’s what it’s about. Homosexuality. It’s about sexual freedom.”
“It comes down to sex. That’s what it’s all about. It comes down to freedom, and it comes down to sex. If you have anything to with any of the sexual issues, and if you are on the wrong side of being able to do all of the sexual freedoms you want, you are a bad guy."
"contraception... it's not okay. It's a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. (Sex) is supposed to be within marriage"
"If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest... It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog"
“[Gay marriage] threatens my marriage. It threatens all marriages. It threatens the traditional values of this country.”
On his religious moderation and acceptance of those with other beliefs -
“But is there such thing as a sincere liberal Christian… the answer is, no, it’s not. I don’t think there is such a thing…You’re a liberal something, but you’re not a Christian.”
"When you go so far afield of that and take what is a salvation story and turn it into a liberation theology story, which is done in the Catholic world as well as in the evangelical world, you have abandoned Christendom, in my opinion. And you don’t have a right to claim it."
“I don’t believe in an America where the separation between church and state is absolute.”
And now, Lindsey Buckingham performs, "Go Insane.” ‘Nuff said.