A Quorum of Cowardly Quislings: Your Representative Government at Work

The U.S. Senate Shows Its True Colors – Gunmetal Grey and Green

“Mark my words: if we cannot make our communities safer with the Congress we have now, we will use every means available to make sure we have a different Congress, one that puts communities’ interests ahead of the gun lobby’s.” – Gabrielle Giffords

“Say you want a revolution
We better get on right away
Well you get on your feet
And out on the street
Singing power to the people
Power to the people” – John  Lennon

“All in all, this was a pretty shameful day for Washington” – President Barack Obama

Wednesday, April 17^th 2013 will forever be recalled as a sorrowful and regretful  day in our country’s proud history, for it was on that date when the pathetic, pitiful, un-patriotic, purchased and paid for, devious, unethical, immoral, (feel free to contribute colorful, creative, polysyllabic invectives of your own, employ Monsieur Roget for all he’s worth), treasonous, traitorous, treacherous, spineless, soulless, enemies of the people and of America – the  United States Senate,  rejected, discarded, spurned and snubbed (kudos, Roget) every principle, tenet,  and even, very foundation  of our government of the people, by the people and for the people.

On that early spring afternoon, the virtues and values that so many valiant men and women sacrificed, bled and died for over these last two centuries were rebuked, rejected and rebuffed. The dreams and determinations of our Founders; their brave new world of a free and equitable Republic and Representative Democracy was terminated and destroyed; and in its place was created a new nation, conceived in payoffs, lucre and bribery, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created unequal, and born to fulfill the financial fealties of those whom we’ve misguidedly selected to represent our needs and interests.  Our dishonorable and shameful Senators disregarded the wishes of 90% of the American public and instead chose blood over babies, money over morality, death over democracy, and the treasures of the opened purse of the National Rifle Association over the will of the people whom they have sworn to serve; in one single heinous and villainous vote, subverting Representative Democracy, shaming the memory of our Founding Fathers, and disgracing our great nation.

That decision, to not extend background checks to close the internet and gun show loopholes, was a determination that the right to massacre infinite numbers of our children, and the accompanying pecuniary profit gained, is of more importance than the right to life of our citizens and the desperate need to keep military assault weaponry out of the hands of criminals and the mentally unstable. Such seditiousness begs the query - how much money does it take to sell the lives of our offspring and precisely how does the NRA and Senate reach an agreement on those figures?

The U.S. Senate and the new United States of America – 2013 reboot

A new homeland requires a new flag and a new Pledge of Allegiance. Thanks to exhaustive and extensive research, and the complete willingness to just make stuff up, we here at “… and several butcher’s aprons” have acquired premiere, and exclusive rights, to that oath and banner and proudly and fictionally present it to you.

“I pledge allegiance to the flag of the National Rifle Association, and to the Oligarchy for which is stands, a gun nation under Satan, divisible, with liberty and justice for those who can afford it.”

  

Power to the People

Perchance, might you be of a disposition to harass, harangue, annoy and aggravate? Would you be anxious to reclaim some of the rights and liberties granted to you by Providence? Below is a complete list of the vile-voting Legislators and their Twitter handles.  Let these Judas’s who sold out our country for bloody pieces of silver hear your vengeful voice and feel your righteous wrath.  As a collusive congregate, they have razed our Republic and transformed a land of liberty and freedom into an Oligarchy ruled and governed of and for the few. And remember, when the next massacre occurs, these are the accessories to the crime. May they find some measure of mercy in Hell, for they shall no longer find it here.

• Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-Tenn.) -- @SenAlexander
• Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R-N.H.) -- @KellyAyotte
• Sen. John Barrasso (R-Wyo.) -- @SenJohnBarrasso
• Sen. Max Baucus (D-Mont.) -- @MaxBaucus
• Sen. Mark Begich (D-Alaska) -- @SenatorBegich
• Sen. Roy Blunt (R-Mo.) -- @RoyBlunt
• Sen. John Boozman (R-Ark.) -- @JohnBoozeman
• Sen. Richard Burr (R-N.C.) -- @SenatorBurr
• Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-Ga.) -- @SaxbyChambliss
• Sen. Dan Coats (R-Ind.) -- @SenDanCoats
• Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) -- @TomCoburn
• Sen. Thad Cochran (R-Miss.) -- @SenThadCochran
• Sen. Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) -- @SenBobCorker
• Sen. Jon Cornyn (R-Texas) -- @JohnCornyn
• Sen. Mike Crapo (R-Idaho) -- @MikeCrapo
• Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) -- @SenTedCruz
• Sen. Mike Enzi (R-Wyo.) -- @SenatorEnzi
• Sen. Deb Fischer (R-Neb.) -- @SenatorFischer
• Sen. Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.) -- @JeffFlake
• Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) -- @GrahamBlog
• Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) -- @ChuckGrassley
• Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) -- @SenOrrinHatch
• Sen. Heidi Heitkamp (D-N.D.) -- @SenatorHeitkamp
• Sen. Dean Heller (R-Nev.) -- @SenDeanHeller
• Sen. John Hoeven (R-N.D.) -- @SenJohnHoeven
• Sen. James Inhofe (R-Okla.) -- @jiminhofe
• Sen. Johnny Isakson (R-Ga.) -- @SenatorIsakson
• Sen. Mike Johanns (R-Neb.) -- @Mike_Johanns
• Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.) -- @SenRonJohnson
• Sen. Mike Lee (R-Utah) -- @SenMikeLee
• Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) -- @McConnellPress
• Sen. Jerry Moran (R-Kan.) -- @JerryMoran
• Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) -- @lisamurkowski
• Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) -- @SenRandPaul
• Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) -- @robportman
• Sen. Mark Pryor (D-Ark.) -- @SenMarkPryor
• Sen. Jim Risch (R-Idaho) -- @SenatorRisch
• Sen. Pat Roberts (R-Kan.) -- @SenPatRoberts
• Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) -- @marcorubio
• Sen. Tim Scott (R-S.C.) -- @SenatorTimScott
• Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) -- @SenatorSessions
• Sen. Richard Shelby (R-Ala.) -- @SenShelbyPress
• Sen. John Thune (R-S.D.) -- @SenJohnThune
• Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) -- @DavidVitter
• Sen. Roger Wicker (R-Miss.) -- @SenatorWicker

LaPierre and the NRA: Firearms and the False Face of Freedom

"… the semi-auto ban gives jack-booted government thugs more power to take away our constitutional rights, break in our doors, seize our guns, destroy our property, and even injure or kill us.  Not too long ago, it was unthinkable for federal agents wearing Nazi bucket helmets and black storm trooper uniforms to attack law-abiding citizens.”  – Wayne LaPierre

“Hey Momma, look at me
I'm on my way to the promised land
I'm on the highway to Hell” – AC/DC

He holds no elected office. Polls clearly show he represents neither the American public, nor his own organization’s membership. He is compensated handsomely to speak for only those who profit from death. He emboldens the insane, he markets to the maniacs, encourages the crazies and appeals to the deranged – those are his people, and that is his base. The armaments in his immoral arsenal include deceit, fear, lies and paranoia.

Since the December 14, 2012 massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, over 3100 other Americans have died as a result of gun violence. Approximately 32,000 U.S. citizens perish, per annum, at the point of a pistol, rifle or assault weapon.

And National Rifle Association Executive Vice President, Wayne LaPierre, earns 1.3 million dollars a year sentencing children to death.

For the Amusement of Old Scratch

New saints on bikes, handed down

War games in schoolyards and suburban towns

The innocent fall, the profits rise

The glint of the barrel lights LaPierre’s eyes

One hundred fifty four rounds let fly

Twenty six families must say goodbye

A lifetime of terror in less than five minutes

But LaPierre worries for the gunman’s limits

He needs enough ammo to complete his job

And defend himself from the angry mob

Wayne’s salary is body count, his bonus – tears of mothers

His Christmas morn is news reports with suffering of others

He sleeps on sheets of splintered glass

He feeds on slaughtered dreams

His oxygen, a poisoned gas

His speech, sadistic schemes

He plays at judge and jury, executioner as well

His fate, a final resting place more punishing than Hell

Like Cheney, Rumsfeld, Bush and Rice

Mass murderers will pay that price

So God Bless America, land of the free to kill

Home of the brave victim, who’s hit at will

Where freedom rings not as a bell,

But the sound of a fired shotgun shell

 

Grandeur – The Curse of Corporate Culture

“Cause he gets up in the morning,

And he goes to work at nine,

And he comes back home at five-thirty,

Gets the same train every time.

Cause his world is built round punctuality,

It never fails.” - Ray Davies

My friends, I feel quite confident in the assertion that one thought that never crossed your craniums while perusing previous postings was, “this blog’s okay, but what it’s really missing is pretention and haughtiness.”  After all, as author I’ve taken a pseudonym from the preeminent metropolis on the globe, exhibited a writing style solely possible if one has recently swallowed a thesaurus, and like the great Professor Irwin Corey before me, state opinions as if Moses descending from Mount Sinai in possession of mankind’s greatest truths, and as a renowned authority on all things, animal, vegetable and mineral.  Well, pish-posh, or you ain’t seen nothing yet (depending on whether you feel more at peace with a Mary Poppins or Al Jolson reference)  for today we dip our toe into the shallow waters of poetry. And unlike last week’s presentation of the classic, “Richard Cory” by Edwin Arlington Robinson, this minor rhyme is self-penned, with the hope being that if you are now or have ever been gainfully employed and have experienced the necessity of reportage to another, you will associate with this vituperative verse of vengeance. Should this unfamiliar foray into the finer arts not suit your taste or temperament, please practice patience as we will conclude with comical birthday wishes and a Kink’s standard.

Delusions

Tonight we pity the King and Queen

Who rule from 9 to 5.

When dusk embarks,

And power wanes,

Just ego’s left alive.

A corporate clone

With little worth,

No power but to bully.

A tangled self

Awash in fear

A life, unrealized fully.

Are you content with cubicles as eminent domain?

Or is there more that you once sought

A love as life’s refrain?

You made your choice

As all must do

We look back on decisions

Then realize

We’re just despised,

The subject of derision.

Before we reach our final choice

Time gives us many ways

To modify a tone of voice

And soften future days.

Your training’s full of falsehoods,

Experience, but lies

Have you no vision of yourself

In other people’s eyes?

A second, third and final chance

Afforded to us all.

Take Providence, your private God,

And change before your fall.

Saturday, March 23^rd Birthdays

Happy 23^rd birthday to Princess Eugenie of York, daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson.  As the sixth in succession to the British Crown, we extend natal wishes with the good and equitable feelings and knowledge that she is just as unlikely to ascend to the royal throne as any of us commoners. However, should she read this; she does possess the power to off nycityman’s head.

It’s also the birthday of another daughter of royalty, this time of the theatrical sort, as Amanda Plummer, child of Christopher Plummer and Tammy Grimes turns 56. When we were both much younger folk, we actually spent a day working together on an unsold TV pilot. When asked of her memories of nycityman a look of confusion, fear and disdain is her most common response.

Also reaching her 56^th year today is Teresa Ganzel, and as confusion, fear and disdain now overtake your facial features as well, an explanation - Teresa was the actress to assume the role of Tea Time Movie Matinee Lady in the Johnny Carson, Art Fern sketches upon the passing of Carol Wayne. “You take the San Diego Freeway to the Ventura Freeway. You drive to the Slauson Cutoff, get out of your car, cut off your Slauson.” Anybody? Bueller?

Many happy returns to the talented Chaka Khan, who for years prior to Whitney Houston was "every woman." Quick, name another member of Rufus.

And last, but in no way least, “Hello Dere” and the happiest 91st birthday to comedian Marty Allen, the non-crooning half of comedy duo, Allen and Rossi. At a time when every comic doing the Carson, Douglas, Griffin, Sullivan variety/ talk-show circuit was required, by law, to have the last name Allen (see Marty, Woody, Steve, Dennis, Bernie) the wild antics of Marty and Steve Rossi helped shape a very young nycityboy’s obsession with obscure and forgotten comedy teams. In conclusion, first a clip of Allen and Rossi at work, and the promised Kink’s gem, “A Well Respected Man.” Have any comments, questions, criticisms, compliments, candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

Saturday Song Selection – Richard Cory: Simon and Garfunkel

A Song of the 99%

“But I work in his factory 
And I curse the life I'm living 
And I curse my poverty 
And I wish that I could be, 
Oh, I wish that I could be, 
Oh, I wish that I could be 
Richard Cory.” – Paul Simon

How to have a fun and festive, pre-St. Patrick’s Day Saturday? Share a Simon and Garfunkel classic about a man who “went home last night, and put a bullet through his head.” Then, once regaling in the mirth and merriment of that uplifting and light-hearted ditty, further examine the joyful tale of Master Cory’s fretful fate with the original poem that inspired songsmith Simon.  And to reiterate, yes, you did indeed read the word “poem” as in verse, and rhyming and couplets, for it is far passed time that this bloviated blog acquired some class, refinement, sophistication and, might I even go so far as to suggest, savior faire, should the subject be so suited.

It’s Saturday, a day to vacate the often ugly anger and acrimony of politics and its dissonant discourse for a much anticipated return (not by anyone in particular) to a favorite feature from the past – “Saturday Song Selection.” That being said, the political nature of both Simon’s composition and Edwin Arlington Robinson’s elegy can hardly be disregarded.  Though one is from 1965 and the other 1897, the story and the conflict within is are as fresh today as Mitt Romney’s recorded comments on the 47% tape expressing admiration for the efficiency and profitability of the business model of a Chinese factory he toured, where young girls work for pennies a day, imprisoned within the barbed-wire-fenced walls,  housed in dormitories, 12 girls to a room, sleeping in 4 sets of bunk beds stacked 3 high, with a single bathroom being shared by 10 rooms.  While articulating his ardor for those appalling working conditions, Romney was as elated and aroused as when imagining a Marie Osmond nipple slip on “Dancing with the Stars.” Mitt Romney is Richard Cory, but without the conscience and remorse (and, so much for leaving politics behind.)

From the Tea-publican dawn of time, 4000 years ago, when man and dinosaur together roamed the earth,  and Fred Flintstone busted the stones of Mr. Slate; to their apocalyptic, nihilist One World Government feverish, future fantasy where all pistol-packing, God-gracing, liberty-loving, formerly-free Americans will be enslaved, placed in internment camps or sent off to reservations, inconceivable conditions to those proud patriots who have no knowledge of their nation’s history, believing it a favored, Yahweh creation;  there will forever be the "well to do, up on Lennox Avenue," and the proletariat who shed blood, sweat and tears (and on rare occasion, even earth, wind and fire) to provide population and profit for their enterprises, and the enrichment of the few.  The 1% versus the 99% is no new phenomenon but rather an auld acquaintance never to be forgot, and likely to be ever-present in the annals of humankind as long as inordinate, if not even, obscene wealth inequity, along with imbalance in living conditions and quality of life exist.

Simon and cityman

Unbeknownst to Mr. Simon (whose recent Saturday Night Live appearance revealed his current look as a “Little Big Man” doppelganger, he and nycityman have a long and storied history (currently playing out in a “cease and desist” order.) From receiving the “Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme” LP, an initial step  from children’s music to more mature fare (thanks to the vast booty acquired from Mom and Dad’s  introductory order as members of the Columbia Records Club), to a presentation of a Simon lyric for an intermediate school poetry project, to pathetically picking my way through “The Paul Simon Songbook” when first an extremely unskilled, high school taught, beginning guitar player, to Simon’s hosting duties in the early SNL years (commonly considered “our show” to television devotees of a certain age and philosophy), to  attendance at the historic, free Simon and Garfunkel reunion concert in Central Park, this fellow New Yorker has almost always been an nycityman cultural presence and is long overdue to be featured in “Saturday Song Selection.” As someone who attempts creativity and entertainment through manipulation of the written word, I would kill an aimless drifter for just a fraction of Simon’s aptitude and ability with the English language.

The Poem

Richard Cory by American Poet, Edwin Arlington Robinson (1869 – 1935)

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,

We people on the pavement looked at him:

He was a gentleman from sole to crown,

Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,

And he was always human when he talked;

But still he fluttered pulses when he said,

"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich – yes, richer than a king –

And admirably schooled in every grace:

In fine, we thought that he was everything

To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,

And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;

And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,

Went home and put a bullet through his head.

Saturday, March 16^th Birthdays

Fabulously, successful restaurateur, Jean-Georges Vongerichten, turns 55 today, mentioned only to allow nycityman to annoyingly elevate his proboscis high-aloft into the ether and boast of attendance at his elite and expensive, self-named eatery (one must live up to one’s given nom de blog.) Longtime readers know that certain biographical elements guarantee inclusion into the birthday well-wishes. “Laugh-In” cast members will always be feted as will any objects of early, amorous, adolescent longing. So, many happy returns of the day to Canadian born actress, Kate Nelligan, who, until this very moment, I believed to be of British birth. Lust knows no nationality. "Come to me, nycityman." Chuck Woolery, born in 1940, promised he’d be returning in “two and two” and we haven’t seen him since. Stage, screen and television actor, Victor Garber, will be extinguishing 64 candles today and we… (sorry, lost interest.)
Classic, legendary and long deceased comic, Henny Youngman, would have turned 107 today. He left us for the great Catskills resort in the sky in 1998. In 1987, after 58 years of marriage, they took his wife… please. We conclude with celebratory congratulations to the biggest star of the day, show business icon, and The King of “Classy” Comedy – happy 87th to comic, actor, writer, director, philanthropist, a man who knows the farcical potential of a misadjusted disposal lighter in close proximity to large nostrils, and the hoped for hilarity of a bellowed “lady!” when emerging in a child’s voice from an adult body, not only a legend in his own mind, but a legitimate, genuine  legend,  Jerry Lewis.  Say what you will of his purportedly, over-sized sense of self-importance, his rampant egomania and his mythically proportioned difficult personality, Jerry must always be credited and appreciated for his lifetime of dedication and hard work to the cause of eliminating Muscular Dystrophy, and the unceremonious and disrespectful removal from his position and status in the MDA is a black mark in that organization’s history. In certain circles, this is considered  very funny From a live 1966 appearance on Canadian television, (maybe Kate Nelligan was there) Simon and Garfunkel perform, “Richard Cory.” Have any comments, questions, criticisms, compliments, candid confessions, cash contributions? Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

Pennsylvania 1-6-0-0-oh!

Worth a Thousand Words VII – Bride of a Thousand Words

Official Obama White House photographer, Pete Souza, has done yeoman’s duty, these last 4 years, preserving and capturing for posterity some remarkable images, both artistic and historic, of the personal and professional goings-on, in and around the Oval Office.  So significant and extraordinary are most of these photographs that, of course, it is the duty of  “… and several butcher’s aprons” to share them and then ruin them with silly and sophomoric comedy captions, as we are kind of jerky and annoying that way.

These are presented with apologies and much appreciation and admiration for his excellent work; and with sincere hopes that in the unlikely event that he finds himself exposed to this minor bit of whimsy, Mr. Souza appreciates the humor and the, mostly, good-natured spirit in which this was intended, and does not, instead, make use of our fine criminal justice system.

Today’s post also includes a special surprise, and a first for this blog – a captivating contest complete with glorious and glamorous, grand-prizes!  Slog your way through the amusingly, annotated snapshots, and the details will follow.

For a look at more of Pete Souza’s photography, minus the juvenile jests, you can travel the highways and byways of the World Wide Web to his Flickr page by following this link - http://www.flickr.com/photos/whitehouse/

As always, all pictures can be enlarged for easier reading with a mere click of the mouse.

Contest Giveaway

If you’ll glance to where the lovely Carol Merrill is now standing (or simply scroll to the picture beneath this paragraph) you’ll see the fabulous, paltry prize package of “…and several butcher’s aprons” swag!  Faster than you can decry, “why would anybody possibly want this junk?” you can be the first on your blog to own this unique and unappealing key-chain, pen and refrigerator magnet set!  Once your anticipation and exhilaration are contained, merely compose your very own comic caption to the final Souza photograph posted below, and email said wacky witticism to butchersaprons@mail.com.  Besides guaranteed procurement of the hitherto mentioned treasure trove, the winning entry will also be posted on an upcoming blog where it may be seen by some of our over 160,000 previous readers.

All this can be yours!

Hmm, surely something funny must be going on here

Lastly, as is our want, we conclude with a musical number that, should you not be a remnant from the Gilded Age such as myself, may help explain the meaning of today’s title. From 2007, 63 years after his plane went missing over the English Channel while traveling to entertain troops, the Glenn Miller Orchestra and “Pennsylvania 6-5000.”

Reality Bites – the Slow, Painful Decline of Network TV

  

“A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies.
Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives
And I decline. ..
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.” – R.E.M.

If, perchance, you might be a regular, semi-regular or like much of my wardrobe, slightly-irregular, reader of this online folderol, you may have noticed a chill in the air of late, and a somewhat tense atmosphere. Finally fatigued of the frequent weightiness of recent posts and of the theatrical threats from heavily-armed and permanently peeved pistol-packers, we momentarily flee from the frictions over firearms and instead descend into lowbrow froth, frivolity and superficiality with some lampooning of TV fare.

During its recent Oscar telecast, ABC promoted the upcoming premiere of the new celebrity reality competition program, “Splash.” While it’s unfortunate that neither comely mermaids nor a resurrected John Candy appear to be involved, we will still share this brief description from the network’s website –
“Splash marks the first time 10 celebrities will train and compete in regulation platform and springboard diving at dizzying heights in front of a weekly poolside audience.”

Among the list of lesser luminaries regrettably sporting speedos and displaying all that God gave them in 1080p, on your 50 inch 3D LED television, will be zaftig comedian, Louie Anderson, aged basketball legend, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, former Cosby-kid, Keshia Knight Pullman and 7 other unrecognizable names whose categorization as “celebrities” would justify a Sarah Palin categorization as “intellectual.”

The green-lighting of this televised travesty serves as proof positive that, in the year 2013 A.D., humankind has officially exhausted all ideas. However, being an American television network, and therefore fully aware that originality, ideas or intelligence are irrelevant, if not even counterproductive to success, (late night talk show comic setup ahead) the American Broadcasting Network (Howard K. Smith is spinning in his sarcophagus) has a number of other personality-based reality programs waiting in the wings assured that this sad and shameless charade is certain to expire shortly after its second showing.  

But first, speaking of the networks, NBC, once self-proclaimed, peacock proud purveyor of quality programming, has pitifully plummeted into 5th place, recently overtaken by a UHF foreign language station.  After exhaustive attempts at every iteration of simian-centered shows and desperate  to revitalize viewership, executives at famed 30 Rock have newly signed New York City Public Access icons, Robin Byrd and the portly, naked fellow from “Interludes after Midnight.”

Can Robin Byrd save NBC?

And now, we are moderately to embarrassingly proud to present some fake TV for your entertainment pleasure.

Coming this Spring to ABC –

He’s out of rehab and in your chest cavity. You'll be in stitches when funny man, Andy Dick performs your triple bypass surgery, on Celebrity Cardiology, hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

When one-time, Saturday Night Live regular and current Tea Party harlequin Victoria Jackson; disgraced former New York Governor and courtesan cash cow Elliot Spitzer, and Food Network host and enhanced interrogation voice-over artist, Guy Fieri strap on their helmets and ease into the firing tube, you’ll be yearning for a mishap as if you were trackside at the Indianapolis 500. Join that trio of infuriating irritants plus 12 more has-beens and never-will-bes on ABC’s Human Cannon Balling with the Stars.

You love Zombies! You love Match Game! Now, all your old dead favorites – Brett Somers, Richard Dawson and Charles Nelson Reilly - are back, on Zombie Match Game 2013!

  

If we gathered some of the world’s most beloved singing legends – Christina Aguilera, Wayne Newton, Juice Newton, Rick Springfield, the late Dusty Springfield, Jimmy Osmond, Aretha Franklin, Andrea Bocelli and Vicki Carr, and then had boxing icon, George Foreman, punch each one in the throat that could mean only one thing! It’s time for a brand new season of Who Can Sound the Most Like Tom Waits?

Nine armed vests, a trip to Somalia for nine stars from TV’s Saved by the Bell, boy band Menudo, comic Emo Philips and Attorney General Eric Holder, and all but one vest is a dud. Emo’s bombed before but never like this – it’s Celebrity Suicide Bomber.

Two kidnapped men are drugged, and trapped with a dead body in the lair of renowned serial killer Jigsaw. The madman provides them with a set of dangerous and harmful rules and objectives that they must follow for any hope of survival. Sound familiar? Yes, it’s the hit horror movie, Saw, but this time… it’s real!! Celebrity Saw: The Series – Cary Elwes unwittingly recreates his film role, with three-time U.S. National Figure Skating Champion, Johnny Weir along for the bloody, and very bumpy, ride.

Two C-list talents go in, but only one comes out, on Superstar Roman Gladiator! Three superstar pairings battle to a likely demise this week in the arena – first up it’s that Master of the Malaprop, comic Norm Crosby taking on Latin and Folk Singer/Guitarist Jose Feliciano, followed by somebody from one of those youth oriented WB shows, who knows, they’re interchangeable vs. whoever’s left from Different Strokes, and finally, a nostalgic and heartwarming Happy Days reunion… to the death! It’s an old-fashioned rumble when Anson “Potsie” Williams and Donny "Ralph Malph" Most settle their decade’s long blood-feud in a recreated Arnold’s parking lot.

There’s all this and much, much more -

•  Mob Wife Swap
• A creepy movie star and soft shoe man wants to date your teenage daughter in Walken on Sunshine

• Russian import, Dancing with the Tsars

• 360 singers of faith, a few dozen belligerent bulls – it’s LDS versus livestock when we parachute the Mormon Tabernacle Choir into Pamplona, Spain in Celebrity Running with the Bulls

• There’s only need for one and you decide their fate on Michael Cera or Jesse Eisenberg
•  Michael Fassbender!  Mark Wahlberg ! Cockfighting with the Stars!
• Armageddon Married in the Morning 

 Now, we leave you with some musical commentary, REM and “It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine.)”