Ten Years After: 9-11-11 Tears of Rage. Tears of Grief

“Tears of rage, tears of grief...
Come to me now, you know
We're so alone
And life is brief” - Bob Dylan



Dedicated to my fellow New Yorkers who behaved so bravely, boldly, calmly and resolutely; to those who lost loved ones and to those very loved ones who have left us. We came together, we pulled together, we supported each other - as we always do. We of the most diverse population in the nation, if not the world - we of every language, religion, culture, sexual and ethnic background - we who unite as one, time and time again because our differences aren’t a weakness but our greatest strength. We may in some ways be dissimilar but ultimately we are the same - with our regard, our respect, our embracing of our differences and the eventual melding of them that makes us the richest and strongest culture in the word. It is the might and power of our diversity that unites us and makes us above all - New Yorkers. Some express distaste when faced with unfamiliar garb and tradition and language; but when I stroll 8th avenue and, within just a few blocks, hear a multitude of tongues being spoken, I smile in appreciation of the rich, wonderful variety of peoples and customs and beliefs that I am so fortunate to live among,

A common question occurs around every anniversary of this day and that is - should September 11th be declared a national holiday? A day of sacrifice, contribution and recognition of valor and lives lost - appropriate. A day of reflection, of contemplation, of mourning – undoubtedly so. But as a culture with such a foundation of, and an unwavering commitment to, capitalism, commercialism and consumerism, how soon before what began as day of solemn commemoration converts into one of mattress sales, final beach outings and barbeques? We need look no further than Memorial Day for proof that such an unfortunate transformation is likely inevitable.

Of course, every American has their own stories and their own recollections - memories of that horrific day are not in short supply - so I will share but a few, brief personal reflections.
I think of the visiting firefighter from West Virginia that I met in a souvenir store in Times Square - he was searching for a pleasant memento of his trip, perhaps to help balance the very unpleasant recollections he would be taking home with him from the sad site where he was bravely voluntarily toiling. He was here to try to save lives and to bring a home a Big Apple snow globe; I was there in search of an American flag pin. And all I could think to say was to express my sincere thanks. A decade later our nation is divided unlike any time since the Civil War, but on that day he wasn’t from a red state, I wasn’t from a blue state, we were from the United States, and unfortunately that feeling appears all but lost.

For days I couldn’t tear myself away from the 24-hour news coverage - initially watching it mostly with a feeling of absolute disbelief which, when acceptance of the events finally sunk in, changed first into sadness and sorrow, but then into a seething rage. I found myself feeling an intense and ugly anger, a pure blinding hatred, a desire for reaction and revenge - done swiftly and even violently - that I had never experienced before and have not since. At times while watching the events on television, my eyes would well with tears, not necessarily tears of grief, but rather tears of rage. Not an uncommon reaction I imagine and one that would explain the outpouring of pent-up relief and jubilation that followed the assassination of Osama Bin Laden. People may criticize the joyous reactions of many Americans, but it was a genuine and necessary release, one long overdue and one needed for the continued healing of our nation.

Returning to the New York-centric theme of my remembrance (I am nycityman, after all) I want to continue with two quotes taken from a conversation on a recent episode of “the Chris Matthews Show” that nicely address some of the special nature of my metropolis and its exceptional inhabitants - in this case, in relation to September 11th.

Howard Fineman, Huffington Post - “Even right near Ground Zero and all over New York today, New York is alive more than ever, that is the Mecca for everybody on the East Coast, for every kid from all over the United States and still from around the world. The sense of creativity and possibility in NY remains undiminished.”

Jamie Tarabay, an Australian-born journalist from the National Journal, “The first time I arrived in America…I landed in New York and I went down to Ground Zero and I met New Yorkers and it just struck me how Al Qaeda had basically picked the wrong place, they picked on the wrong people. They just didn’t understand the mentality of New Yorkers… they are themselves, they are unique to this country… New Yorkers were like, ‘is that it. Is that all you’ve got? We are going to move on, we are who we are, and we are going to continue.’”

I fantasize about a future life in London or Paris, but in reality, I wonder if New York is really the only place I could ever happily live.

To very properly conclude, a beautiful commemorative song written by my extremely talented friend, Ed Kessel, “Voice of Freedom - a 9/11 Tribute.”

Of the Rich, By the Rich, For the Rich: The Lie of the Tea Party

“The exact phrase 'separation of Church and State’ came out of Adolph Hitler’s mouth, that’s where it comes from. So the next time your liberal friends talk about the separation of Church and State, ask them why they’re Nazis.” - Glen Urquhart, Tea Party Congressional Candidate from Delaware.

“He (Barack Obama) has no place in any station of government and we need to realize that he is an enemy of humanity.” – Tea Party Rep. Trent Franks of Arizona

“Stupid is as stupid does.” - Forrest Gump




"Hey, who you callin' a Tea Bagger?!"









Why not call them Tea Baggers, even if some now find that phraseology offensive? At their genesis they proudly proclaimed themselves such, ludicrously yet lovingly, suspending Salada’s from their singularly silly chapeaus. Should others be regarded responsible for the fact that they lacked the worldliness and knowledge to be familiar with its more lascivious meaning? Although truly, what more accurately expresses lasciviousness - a sexual act performed by consenting adults or an organization whose ultimate goal is to pervert and transform the greatest republic the world has ever known into an immigrant, minority and working class oppressing plutocracy? Far be it from me to proffer counseling to Tea Baggers, but I say, why not embrace and empower the name? So what if doing so conjures up specific imagery of genitalia and genitalia based activities - genitalia have their place. You’re all God-fearers, believing him to be, much like Carnac, all-seeing, all-knowing, infallible – God created man, and man arrived replete with genitalia. So, indeed, embrace the genitalia, my friends (figuratively or literally, your choice.) Embrace the genitalia! (a possible powerful future party rallying cry?)

We now, unfortunately, find ourselves residing in a new post-Tea Party, Earth 2, Bizzaro World, where everything that was once considered positive is now considered negative – education, knowledge, diversity, open-mindedness, human-rights, charity, acceptance and tolerance – all now deemed dangerous, destructive and deleterious; and presently believed beneficial under the Rocket’s Red Glare - superstition, hatred, small-mindedness, corporate-rights, selfishness, bigotry and intolerance. The age of science and enlightenment appears over, as the Tea Party ushers in a neo-dark ages where “real Americans” no longer believe in science, evolution, climate change – truth or facts. We’ve entered an era of a new ruling class of the un-intelligentsia; a time when education is looked down upon as being “elitist” and ignorance is commended. Where we once embraced and encouraged the best and the brightest, we now support and celebrate the worst and the witless. And, in what may be the most sobering series of syllables strung together since the development of the written word, we’ve gone from John Adams and Thomas Jefferson to Sarah Palin and Rick Perry; and we’ve allowed their like to lamely lead us from the Land of Opportunity to the Land of the Lost.

The Founding Fathers
“This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it.”- John Adams

“Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law." - Thomas Jefferson

The Tea Party’s co-opting of the Founding Fathers, as political and social kindred spirits, is just a sad jest that they are very unlikely to get. The Founding Fathers represented everything that the Baggers abhor and consider elitist. They weren’t regular folks, they weren’t Joe the Plumber. Most were well-educated, men of science, men of arts, inventors, free thinkers, writers, world travelers (at a time when that was no easy task) they spoke multiple languages, were well-read and highly valued education, learning and knowledge. Some were well-heeled land-owners, the high-society of their day. Regarding the party's insistence that the intent of our founders was to establish a Christian nation based on Christian values, well, I fear that belief is merely a flight of fancy, as they were stalwartly against the intrusion of religion into government; and despite current au courant assertions from the Right, many were not even Christian - Franklin, Jefferson, Madison, Washington – none were Christian, Deists, one and all.

“The government of the United States is not in any sense founded upon the Christian religion.” - John Adams

In light of the fact that Tea Party favorites and Presidential candidates, Rick Santorum, Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry have all signed marriage pacts that, among other absurdities, state that African American families were better off during slavery than they are now, perhaps the only thing the Baggers would have in common with the Founding Fathers would be their tolerance toward slavery. (If one could only make John Adams fantastically appear, Marshall McLuhan in Annie Hall-like, at a Bachmann rally to hear him stoically state to the armed assembly, “you know nothing of my work.”)

Grass Roots Movement?
Alas, despite popular mythology, the only thing grass roots about the Tea Party would be their 45rpm recording of “Midnight Confessions.” The party was founded and funded by the billionaire, oil-magnate Koch brothers - the pair behind the Tea Party Express - and their corporate cronies, as well as by former Representative Dick Armey (insert juvenile name jibe here) and his pro-big business, anti-freedom organization, Freedom Works. The naïve, uninformed Baggers are being used as pawns by the powerful and wealthy to help further their commercial and capital agenda at the great expense of the poor and middle class. Historically, this has been a country of the haves versus the have-nots, where the haves have traditionally stifled the have-nots so as to retain power and influence among their own ranks. The unique and wonderful thing about our nation is that eventually the downtrodden, through hard work and some minor government intervention, have been able to rise up through the system and socially and financially better themselves. The working class has always fought for their rights and their right to advance. That’s how it was, now welcome the Tea Party as, inexplicably, for the very first time in American history, we are involved in a situation where the workers have aligned themselves with their oppressors - against government intervention and the labor unions and their own betterment, and have gleefully and voluntarily, hastened their own decline. It’s quite remarkable and to be brutally honest, quite imbecilic. And why would they do that? Although Paul Simon says in Kodachrome, “my lack of education hasn’t hurt me none,” the reality has proven to be the contrary. Where once laborers organized, protested, struck, formed unions and guilds (all considered anti-American, socialist tactics now), wrote books and essays and articles and expressed themselves; they now rally against unions, against change, against self-expression, against advancement – in many ways against freedom itself. This is the Tea Party - fighting, and fighting hard, to keep themselves under the thumb of the modern robber barons. How do the privileged and powerful so successfully foster this societal self-immolation? – fly the flag of Jesus and patriotism, add in some minor mistrust of gays, foreigners, immigrants and women’s rights, and the Baggers will follow you like a Kardashian following an NBA team bus.
The corporate slave-masters are hankering to “return with us to the thrilling days of yesteryear” (hi-ho Silver, away) to a falsely idyllic, pre-Union period - no overtime, no breaks, no minimum or live-able wage, no healthcare or paid sick days, no limit on hours required to work, no concern for safety conditions, no insurance, no vacation time, no child labor laws - and the Tea Baggers are just toothlessly grinning up at them and blissfully begging, “please sir, may I have some more.”

Taxed Enough Already – founded on a falsehood
The very foundation of the Tea Party, the very acronym for which it stands, is perhaps the largest lie of all. Stop Baggers on the street (they’ll be the ones toting their King James, their AK47s, and their misspelled signs, while sporting oh-so fashionable, tri-corner hats) and they’ll be more than thrilled to school you on the treachery and treason of the insane tax levels levied on the American public and their precious corporate overlords by vile, Marxist Barack Hussein – except that’s a complete and utter prevarication very easily disproved. What they steadfastly refuse to accept as fact, is fact - we are currently experiencing the lowest tax rates in 60 years. Obama has lowered taxes five times through numerous programs and for 95% of the American population – oooh, I shake my fist angrily at you cursed Kenyan!! Yes, in other words the Taxed Enough Already group has no true reason to even exist but to promote the corporate socialism for which it actually toils.

Epilogue (Just like a Quinn Martin Production)
A CBS/NY Times Polls shows that while 21% of the population has expressed support for the Tea Party Movement, only 4% actually consider themselves party members. So, miniscule minority, I beseech you, deter yourselves from attempting to make the other 96% of us as intolerant, ignorant and ignominious as you. Like the similarly hateful Know Nothing Party of the 1850’s, these haters too shall pass into history and be as forgotten to future generations as science, history and facts are to them. There’s nothing real, there’s nothing genuine, there’s nothing honest, there’s nothing patriotic about the Tea Party. It’s time we stop deferring to them, and it’s time we stop referring to them, as a grassroots movement of real Americans; believers and defenders of truth, justice and the American way. The Tea Party is considerably composed of two groups - unenlightened, uneducated, uninformed, racist, newly-anarchist, working class; and the big business billionaires who pull their strings and, to a sizeable extent, control their every word, deed and thought.

Embrace the genitalia!

Now, with a twinge of hopeful optimism, the great Nat King Cole performs, “The Party’s Over.”

The Last Temptation of Jerry - a Labor Day re-post

We conclude our narcissistic and lazy anniversary commemoration with this second and final encore presentation - a timely Labor Day entry dedicated to the show business legend that is Jerry Lewis. Taking Jerry away from us this weekend is like removing Santa from Christmas (sorry, this is a secular site,) Obama from May Day (he is a Communist, right? That’s what I keep reading) or the Little Rascals from Arbor Day (an extremely obscure and specific reference so you’ll just have to trust me on this one.)

Perhaps there may exist no one, even in the exceedingly conceited confines of the entertainment arena, who exhibits a larger ego, a more annoying nature and who could possibly be more legendarily difficult to deal with. But, with all that being said, this is a person who’s also given decades of his life to the Muscular Dystrophy Association, and should be respected and admired for doing so. And so we honor a man who has experienced much dishonor of late; a man who gives and gives and gives... until you give him credit. A man who gives and gives and gives until it hurts… any sense of proper decorum, good taste and our sensibilities. Who gives and gives and gives until it hurts… us to have to watch him. We pay tribute to a superstar who has made dozens, nay, hundreds laugh with naught but a well-timed, “lady!” or a pair of prosthetic buck teeth and an overtly, offensive Asian accent, Of course, I kid Jerry as he’s known to take it so well. And to the board of the MDA, who removed Jerry from this event and his chairmanship, I do seriously say - how dare you? Jerry should be permitted to draw his final breath on the stage of the MDA Labor Day telethon if that is what he wishes - it’s not as if he hasn’t died on television before (rimshot.)

Finally, we also recognize late manic comedian, Charlie Callas who, since the initial posting of this piece, has left us for the great comedy club in the clouds.

Takin' Care of Business: Celebrating Labor Day

A Musical Salute

“The end of labor is to gain leisure” - Aristotle

“You get up every morning
From your alarm clock's warning
Take the 8:15 into the city
There's a whistle up above
And people pushing, people shoving" - Randy Bachman

While it is a widely held belief that the Labor Day holiday was created by, mercurial comedy legend, Jerry Lewis in order to facilitate once-yearly television appearances for show business pals Norm Crosby, Jack Jones and Charo - coochi, coochi - this, in fact, is not the case. Let’s let the U.S. Department of Labor shed some light.
“Labor Day is a creation of the labor movement and is dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers. It constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contributions workers have made to the strength, prosperity, and well-being of our country.”
Well said, Department of Labor, we’ll miss you when the tea-baggers take over, but for now, this is a day to salute all of the working people. Let the Republicans cater to the top 1% wealthy ruling class, they may have the other 364 days - but today, break out that Kingsford charcoal or charge that Samsung 55 inch 3D LED TV, half off today and today only, at PC Richards, or sit stewing and cursing in your Camry stuck for 6 desperate hours in teeming turnpike traffic, just for the pleasure of spending barely 2 hours on an almost lethally crowded beach - because this is your day. Let the plutocracy eat cake!

In 1894, 22nd and 24th President of the United States, Grover Cleveland proclaimed the first Monday of every subsequent September - Labor Day. Of course, if such a notion of celebrating “labor” and the “worker” was proffered today it would, no doubt, be portrayed as further evidence of the evil, creeping, Kenyan, Muslim, Obama Socialism and most likely would never survive a Senate filibuster.

To all of those who did toil today so that the majority of workers who did not could enjoy their leisure time even more fully - to the waitresses, bartenders, bus drivers, cabbies, store clerks, chefs and so on and so on - we extend our gratitude and appreciation.

So, thanks Charlie Callas, and kudos Amazing Kreskin, and much appreciation Buddy Greco - we crave your annual visits. Most of all, thank you, Jerry Lewis. You may be, perhaps, a tad intense at times but we value the many years of good charitable work as well as your urbane comedy stylings - the long-flamed lighter burning the nose hairs bit never gets old. But at this time of tragically high unemployment - when Congressional Republicans block job bill after job bill, delay legitimately earned unemployment benefits and refer to jobless workers in terms such as "lazy" and "hobos," it's particularly appropriate to recognize and thank America's work force.

An Anniversary Re-Post - Baby Ka-Boom: The Rise of the Terror Baby

In further recognition of the miracle of, "... and several butcher's aprons" making it, kicking and screaming, to its first anniversary (miracle being a relative term here - not water into wine miracle nor an Annie Sullivan level miracle - but as my attention span is usually more akin to that of a Sugar Pops, washed down with a Juicy Juice box consuming, Backyardigans viewing toddler, I will indulge myself with some minor back-pattery (yes, that word is completely made up but feel free to spread its use.
As the original intent of the blog was as an outlet for my Godless, anti-American, Marxist (umm, I mean Liberal/Progressive) rants, this re-posting is of the most viewed, thereby most popular, political essay. The subject, even when originally scribed a year ago, is somewhat obscure and at this point, definitely dated, but it still gets read by a few people every day and its tally continues to grow. So, with much gratitude, re-presenting, "Baby Ka-Boom: The Rise of the Terror Baby."


“They’re coming to get you, Barbara” - Night of the Living Dead

Modern day Republicans spread lies like Elvis spread bacon fat on fried banana sandwiches – with enthusiasm, gusto and pride. And, as with Elvis, while they might enjoy some short term gain, in the long run, there’s bound to be undesirable consequences. They’ve lied to you about the grand malevolence of gay marriage, for instance. Regarding the recent ruling in the Golden State, disgraced and forced to resign former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, had this to say -

“Judge Walker's ruling overturning Prop 8 is an outrageous disrespect for our Constitution and for the majority of people of the United States who believe marriage is the union of husband and wife.”

This is a topic of some expertise for Newt as this thrice married, serial philanderer does know a thing or two about destroying marriages. But unless a straight couple and a gay couple are trying to book the same Saturday in June, or are fighting over the last Lennox gravy boat in stock at Macy’s needed to complete their settings, I just don’t see the problem.

Then there’s Death Panels - a concept that came to Sarah Palin when she nodded off one night, mukluks in place after one too many hot toddies, during a Cinemax showing of Logan’s Run.

But, of course, the vast majority of right-wing political “truth-stretching” involves the legitimately, legally elected, Barack Obama whom, they have taught us, is a Kenyan born, Marxist, Nazi, Islamic terrorist trying to brainwash American school children and traveling the world to espouse the evils of the country he has set out to destroy - the United States. To delve into such a disparate and desperate level of prevarication there is obviously something about him that the right is just not O-KKK with. I wish I could put my finger on it.

And now there’s the latest bit of fear-mongering from the GOP, and by far my personal favorite, scary babies! Apparently thinking that there’s no bridge too far for the Snuggie buying, American public they want you to fear babies - Evil Death Babies! Now, the Evil Death Babies (patent pending - heretofore to be referred to as EDBs) come in two categories depending on which constituency your representative is pandering to at the time. For people who distrust Jimmy Smits, the EDBs are called Anchor Babies. If, instead, you’re suspicious of Christiane Amanpour, then the EDB’s are called Terror Babies - a much more colorful and dramatic moniker. I’m not precisely sure how the Terror Baby plan is supposed to work, as I’m not clinically insane, but I do know that it involves terrorist moms coming here, giving birth to new American citizen EDB’s (curse that 14th Amendment) taking them back home to Terrorkistan, where they then spend the next 30 years teaching them to hate the New York Yankees, TGI-Fridays and relaxed fit jeans with built-in-comfort, elastic waist bands

However, while universally recognized as a crafty, very dangerous and thoroughly fictional foe, there are ways to defend against and disarm the Terror Baby. They can, for example, be easily distracted for long periods of time by the mere jangling of shiny keys in front of their cherubic, yet vile, faces. If you wish to momentarily win over a TB (Terror Baby) it is believed that they utterly enjoy the company of a doggy, particularly a “Mommy, look a big doggy,“ doggy. So be sure to stay well stocked, canine-wise, at all times. But, the most valuable and lethal of all the weapons at your disposal is, of course, the binky. Nothing is more effective than the well-timed placement of a binky into the depraved, little, foul mouth of your cunning adversary. Once lulled by the comforting sensations of said binky, the baby can then be apprehended and brought to justice where the little demon will eventually be placed, without benefit of trial or hearing, in the Terror Baby Wing of Gitmo - Elmo.

If only the far-right weren’t so reckless, mean-spirited and poisonous - and such a danger to our nation, its people and its future - they would be so amusing.

Helplessly Hoping - Happy Anniversary to Me: A Year of Butcher's Aprons

“Gasping at glimpses
Of gentle true spirit
He runs, wishing he could fly” - Stephen Stills







“… and several butcher’s aprons.”




Friends, readers, countrymen - you are about to embark on a voyage of ego-nomical proportions as we recognize and celebrate the one year anniversary of nycityman’s humble, unassuming, almost universally ignored, little blog. This will not be the standard submission with just its predictable Palin prods, Darin diversions or birthday ballyhoos; but rather more of a multi-media and musical extravaganza destined to bother Barnum, trouble Taymor and mess with Merrick - consisting of not one, not two, but three immortal musical numbers, and an abiding anniversary clip that will evoke agreeable and amusing memories for minions of middle-aged and mature insomniacs from sea to shining sea.

In addition to surviving long enough to commemorate a year since its birth on the blogosphere, simultaneously, our diminutive endeavor has garnered its 10,000 view - an insignificant sum to some, but to its author, an unknown and unadvertised “proselytizer with his pen,” to paraphrase Bob Dylan, thousands reading my invectives, allusions and opinions with no noteworthy incentive, warms my cardiac cockles which are frequently far too frosty.

On this momentous occasion (solely momentous to one nycityman, of course) I must first express gratitude to everyone who has made it possible – Sarah Palin, Carl Paladino, the Flying Bachmanns, Christine O’Donnell, Sharron Angle - basically all of the Grand Old Party but particularly the proudly uneducated, unsophisticated, bereft of any knowledge of facts or history - tea party extreme wing. They’re white, they’re old, they don’t like government, African-Americans or immigrants – yet they somehow think that they are the real patriotic Americans. To these delusional and sad individuals, a tip of the fedora for providing a target as considerable as Palin’s ego, Bachmann’s pathology and the Guiness Book of World Records-like stupidity of Rick Perry; and therefore making my task of satirical criticism and condemnation as effortless as taking twizzlers from a toddler.

But most of all, (“as snowflakes fall, I wish you love”) I respectfully dedicate this, and all posts, to the regular readers; to those who have accidentally stumbled upon it through the machinations of multiple search engines; to the people who despise my writing and my very thought processes, and think me an arrogant, narcissistic, pinko, commie, anti-American simpleton, reliant on Roget, pretense and alliteration. If you are a carbon based life-form who, for any reason, has taken time to peruse my prose – much modest appreciation. The fact that some Willie Loman, “attention has been paid” to my ramblings is a constant source of bewilderment, joy and astonishment.



Regarding my affection (though some might say “affectation”), my schoolboy-like crush, my Jackie and Chubby love for Miss Crabtree-esque, aforementioned ardor for alliteration, look no further for blame than to troubadour in harmony, Stephen Stills.



And now, let’s continue our journey just a little bit further down this yellow brick road of self-indulgence - at this juncture you may desire to put the plasma on in the background or perhaps mp3 some Lady Gaga - while I reveal a little bit about the blog itself. This very piece that you are currently digesting, if anyone is still with me, is the 65th, original, brand-spanking new post, with two others being contributed by a talented guest-blogger. The initial plan was to post 3 or 4 times a week, but for someone fortunate enough to enjoy full-time employment and even a most minimal, unimpressive degree of a social life - sans a reliable, working cloning device - that may be tilting at cyber-windmills. The popularity of the posts have followed an extremely predictable pattern, by far the most popular feature is “Dose of Darin,” followed by “Saturday Song Selection” and sadly for me, trailing far behind are the political essays, the very reason I began the blog. Shortly following this anniversary acknowledgement I’ll be reposting the most popular of the political pieces, that being. “Baby Ka-Boom: The Rise of the Terror Babies.“

No proper anniversary observance would be complete without the following clip starring Johnny Carson and Ed Ames. It’s a baby boomer tradition, and one well-worth carrying on.



So now it’s onward and upward toward another year of unremunerated labor with singular thanks to those who have been especially encouraging of this enterprise, and tolerant when the occasional well-developed ego emerged; as well as for others who have helped spread the word - Jill, Sharon, Lauren, Joan, the Darin Lifetime Events 07 group and the Hale/Tale folk - and nycityman continues running “wishing he could fly,” as the Flintstones take us out.

The Paulsen Project: nycityman for President

The War on the Proudly Ignorant






“If elected, I will win” - Pat Paulsen



Ladies and gentleman, and children of all ages – proudly presenting the perfect panacea for people’s political primary perplexities - enough vapid verbosity, it’s time for nycityman to put his metro card where his mouth is and pursue his proper position as the premiere powerful politico on the planet – President of these great 49 states - most likely, I’ll be cutting Seward’s Folly (Sarah, that would be Alaska) loose. And tread lightly Lone Star State, keep up your preposterous posturing and you might actually be getting your secession wish. Do we really need a territory so awash in intellectual disarray that it produces not only the likes of George W. Bush, but Rick Perry as well?

For those of you so politically deluded as to believe Obama liberal, never the less socialist - adjust your mirrors, assess the airbags, buckle in both lap and shoulder straps, you’re about to take a Kojak-chase-scene-worthy, ruthless and relentless left turn. nycityman is a liberal – Obama’s a less paranoid and more honest Nixon (well, actually he’s right of Milhouse on a number of policies.) No more capitulating to every whiney Republican or God-loving but somehow people-hating, Evangelical demand. As far as the Tea Party is concerned, I’ll fade that foul fad faster than pet rocks and click-clacks. Before any exchange is allowed with the new Commander-in-Chief each aspiring participant will first be required to partake in a spelling bee, a mathlete meet or an American History test. This will essentially eliminate the opportunity for any enthusiastically uneducated Tea Bagger to ever darken my doorway.

I envision a better America, a stronger America, a freer America, a more tolerant America, an America that has been to the desert on a Horse with No Name. And so, forthwith is the platform of an imaginary, blog-created character –

I’ll always speak the truth. If the posed posit is relevant to the candidacy, I will openly reply. If the answer is unknown to me, rather than impart my ignorance with fictional facts or falsehoods (see: I didn’t inhale, I never had sex with that woman, death panels, weapons of mass destruction or anything, anytime from Michele Bachmann’s open mouth – a situation never enjoyed by Marcus) I will render research and respond responsibly in the near future. To quote college founder Emil Faber, “Knowledge is good.”

All military personnel will be departing Iraq and Afghanistan post-haste, and we’ll examine the possibility of exiting other bases around the globe as well. Why not stop fighting WWII and finally leave Germany and Japan in our rearview mirrors? It appears that that situation is pretty well in hand now, and Tojo and Hitler no longer pose the grave danger to our republic that they once did. Good job Joe – pack up your Betty Grable pin-ups, your Glenn Miller 78’s and your zoot suits. Levitt Town is calling, and don’t sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me (no, no, no.)

Time to legalize and tax marijuana - the revenues from Bill Maher alone will aid a great deal in balancing our budget deficit. It would also provide much needed financial influx to the comedy industry. Wide-spread and accepted use of cannabis will suddenly make almost anyone seem funny and once again Paulie Shore and Gallagher will be able to retain legal and quality domestic help. Little Debbie, Orville Redenbacher and Ben and Jerry will, no doubt, experience upturns as well.

We will be a happier, healthier, thinner, taller, more sexually active, clearer-skinned, tanner, more hirsute and wealthier nation thanks to the institution of single-payer healthcare, universal healthcare, socialized medicine, Medicare for all - whichever phrase makes you feel more patriotic and less like a Bolshevik, (Hit threatening organ sting now, aurally signifying that America will soon be awash in a Red tidal wave and cease to exist as the current democratic nirvana for the obscenely wealthy - “damn dirty apes!“) In order to stress preventative medicine and physical fitness, every man, woman and child, and select domesticated animal, will receive a shake weight and ab circle pro. An additional side benefit of this program will be the business expansion of Gunthy Renker accompanied by its need to employ more of the red, white and blue citizenry.

We will catch up to the rest of the civilized world and nationally legalize gay marriage. There exists not a single, rational, logical or intelligent argument against doing so. Gay marriage does not, in any way, affect the supposed sanctity of your holy, heavenly sanctioned, bedrock of civilization, strong and solid, blessed heterosexual betrothal. There already exist scores of satisfied, successful and spirited gay unions - look how Michele and Marcus Bachmann’s relationship has thrived. And if homosexual happiness somehow offends your delicate religious sensibilities, well, if you use your faith as an excuse to discriminate against your fellow free and equal American citizens, than a certain newly elected president may look into the legality of said phony, fractious faith as it relates to the First Amendment to the Constitution. Religious right-wingers sing the song of smaller government yet frequently further federal incursion into our boudoirs (or backyards, saunas, office elevators. mall shoe stores, federal monuments, Gymborees - dependent upon your degree of amorous adventuring.) Unlike most politicians who put on a good show regarding religious convictions and attendance at Sunday services, I readily admit that I harbor no pious propensities, and therefore am answerable to no one but the American people. And isn’t that exceedingly preferable to someone who’s anxiously awaiting end of days and the sweet rapture of extermination?

There will be no official language. We are an ever-evolving society built upon immigration. Soon we will be a majority of minorities, Rather than fight this, the very intent and design of the country, that which makes us so exceptional and so noble - welcome the waves of new Americans and embrace the richness and uniqueness each new group brings to our culture. If there were an official language, than justice would demand that it be a Native American tongue. Beware of what you wish, Tea Baggers, you assert you want your country back, perhaps we should then return it to its rightful owners,

I mentioned legalization of marijuana, correct? Sometimes I get a little forgetful.

Education is very likely the most significant item that government can foster and provide. Consequently, when federal cuts are negotiated, it is the primary place the GOP wields its slashing saber. For, the less informed, the less knowledgeable, the less educated people are, the easier it is for the Republicans to effectively prevaricate and manipulate. When a nation has developed a culture that believes it a point of pride to be ignorant and believes education to be elitist; when any society has reached a position where Sarah Palin is considered one of the best and brightest and a viable candidate for any public office, it’s time to embrace Caligula and welcome our unavoidable fall.

No more corporate welfare. Tax breaks to companies that ship jobs overseas will end on day one of my administration. Next we raise the taxes on the top 2 percent of the wealthiest that benefit the most from what this country and capitalism have to offer. GE and Exxon-Mobil your days of being treated as one of Jerry’s kids are over. Norm Crosby and Buddy Greco will now only be shilling for the truly needy

Finally, I would be remiss if I forgot to mention the legalization of marijuana.

nycityman will run as a Republican and easily secure that party’s nomination. All one need do is demonstrate a complete lack of intellectual curiosity and exhibit an arrogant, superior pride in one’s acute ignorance. I’ll reject science, history and fact. I’ll scoff at the notion that spewing poisons into the air and water, and annihilating species after species will have a negative effect on our ecosystem on which we all rely for survival. Isn’t it somewhat ironic that Sarah Palin doesn’t believe in evolution? Is there a more concrete, living, breathing example of a lesser-evolved life form displaying significantly lower intelligence and cognitive ability?

Examine my opponents - I’m fitter than Newt, more genuine than Mitt, exactly 376 times more intelligent than Perry, saner than Bachmann, prettier than Palin, and for those of you who have that certain unspoken problem with our president - I’m whiter than Barack Obama.

We conclude this campaign stop with a musical organization that I recently had the extraordinary pleasure of seeing perform live, the incomparable Mormon Tabernacle Choir with a song that expresses the greatness within our republic - The House I Live In.

La Cage Aux Fools: The Bachmanns of Beltway

"Life's not worth a damn,
'Til you can say, 'Hey world, I am what I am.'” - Jerry Herman





Due to mature subject matter parental discretion is advised - “bad boys, bad boys, whatcha’ gonna’ do when they come for you…” (sorry)

Now that she has trademarked her, oh so, winsome and poetic moniker for entertainment purposes, it appears quite clear that the Wicked Witch of Wasilla will not be tossing her dunce cap into the ring to contend for the highest office in the land. And so, as her miniscule thought capacities and tendency to regularly abandon every endeavor she undertakes has made Sarah Palin as joyously irrelevant as a Playboy magazine in Marcus Bachmann’s library (foreshadowing) “…and several butcher’s aprons,“ bids the future Vanna White “letter turner” successor, and forgotten Trivial Pursuit answer, a not particularly fond farewell, for it is time that those of us with lefty-leanings turn our negative attentions away from the Clampetts of the 49th state and toward some of the more germane conservative Republican nut jobs - consider this just the first of a long series. As we voluntarily discard the easy Palin punch line, the gods of comedy have been gloriously generous and have gifted us with the farcical goldmine that is the Liza Minnelli and Peter Allen of politics - Michele and Marcus Bachmann. Today we predominantly concentrate on Dr. Marcus, but stayed tuned - as Michele’s behavior could overload a Kindle’s worth of abnormal psychology tomes - a return engagement is guaranteed.




Current popular scuttlebutt, rapidly racing through the internet tubes, is that Marcus Bachmann, virulent anti-homosexual crusader and gay-curer, (yes, that’s correct, he claims to cure male homosexuals of their debilitating, vagina-less ways) is, in fact, actually gay himself. Shocking – how often does this happen? - In the anti-gay Republican party, about once a week. While the true nature of Dr. Bachmann’s sexual orientation is obviously only known to Marcus, Michele and the Native American from the Village People, such prominent behavioral scientists and sociologists as Cheryl Sarkisian LaPiere Bono Allman (Cher) have tweeted on this critical, crucial and consequential issue -

@Cher: “Boys I’m not kidding ! I’m listening 2 this >%~€¥^<<&&&& I’m thinking GAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAY Without Style !“

There you have it, with such irrefutable evidence, why not join in on the unsubstantiated fun at the expense of an odious individual who, after all, very much deserves to be ridiculed for his bigoted, repressive and hateful ways? Has Marcus Bachmann joined the ever-growing list of self-loathing, closeted, Republican homosexuals who fervidly proselytize in favor of “family values,” but against liberty, freedom and equality for homosexuals, and then inevitably wind up embroiled in gay sex scandals? Will the honor roll of Rep. Mark “Get a ruler and measure it for me” Foley, Evangelical leader and George W. advisor Ted “chicken hawk” Haggard, Sen. Larry “toilet two-step” Craig and Rep. Bob “the solicitor” Allen (anti-sexual-equality, conservative Republicans, one and all) be joined by Marcus “bark like a dog” Bachmann - and how soon, then, before the traditional and obligatory airport men’s room arrest?

Dr. Bachmann, (more about that title later) operates a Christian-based counseling center in Minnesota whose main purpose it to “un-gay” the “sinful“ “barbarians.”
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“We have to understand: barbarians need to be educated. They need to be disciplined. Just because someone feels it or thinks it doesn’t mean that we are supposed to go down that road. That’s what is called the sinful nature.”



Interestingly, the good doctor is not registered with any of the three boards that certify mental health practitioners and professions in Minnesota. So, overzealous zealot “doctor” might this be a stereotypical case of “me thinks thou doth protest too much?” May I be so bold as to say, “physician heal thyself?” Though again, we must be careful of stereotypes- just because RuPaul has declared Bachmann’s demeanor “needlessly flamboyant,” doesn’t necessarily explain why only 5 of their 28 children are biological. The rumor that up until their wedding night Marcus believed Michele to be a man with a frou-frou, pretentious, French-sounding name is only internet fodder. And the fact that he’s been known to experience gut-wrenching nausea and severe vertigo, while dissolving into a pool of acrid, bitter tears, accompanied by convulsive, ear-splitting sobs, when sharing the sacred marriage bed with Mrs. Bachmann - is a perfectly understandable reaction when one considers with whom he's carnally cavorting.

Obviously, as to the true nature of their marriage they deserve the respect and consideration to be taken at their word. Their relationship is private and something that is really between themselves and this strange form of Christianity that they’ve invented that preaches bigotry, intolerance and hatred and has no actual connection to the teachings of Jesus Christ.
But alas, because of Bachmann’s very public and very destructive prejudice, and his hurtful campaign against homosexuals, unfortunately, he really deserves no such respect or consideration. The scorn, ridicule and glut of easy jokes currently directed at Bachmann are textbook “reaping what you sew.” Politically, if Michele Bachmann’s Evangelical and reactionary-right supporters thought that the mister might be gay, they’d drop her like Marcus dropping the garter at a wedding reception. So is it fair in this modern, tolerant, just and more open-minded time; when such great strides have been made toward equality and acceptance to suggest that if the Bachmanns make the historic leap to the White House, the country will not only have its first female president, but also its first queen? In this case it’s like the warranted shooting of hateful, hypocritical halibut in a barrel. So look, I’m not saying he’s ridden more poles than the Warsaw piggyback team. I’d never imply he’s smoked more pipe than contestants in a Bing Crosby look-alike contest. I’m not sure if he’s had more hot sausage than revelers at the San Gennaro Festival, more tools in his shed than Bob Vila, charmed more snakes than a swami, launched more rockets than NASA, tooted more horns than Herb Alpert or attracted more flies than an open jar of honey at a corporate picnic, but I do know that he and his wife support a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage and that they have referred to homosexuality as “sinful” and as “part of Satan” and something that needs to be prayed away.

Marcus, be gay. Be straight. Be bi. Be transgender. Bewitch, bother and bewilder. Be whatever you are, or whatever you want to pretend to be. Just don’t hurt others, you don’t have that right.

And now, downloaded directly from Marcus Bachmann’s iTunes library, from the score of La Cage Aux Folles - I Am What I Am.