Thursday, March 24, 2016

The World’s Foremost Authority – Trump Is Better Than You

Admit it, you'd rather see this than the real one

“When I was a little boy
Way back home in Liverpool
My mama told me I was great

Then when I was a teenager
I knew that I had got something going
All my friends told me I was great

And now I'm a man
A woman took me by the hand
And you know what she told me, I was great” – John Lennon

Dedicated to 101 year old comedy legend, Professor Irwin Corey, the one and only true "world's foremost authority."

As we all know, Donald J. Trump is the greatest living being to ever trod terra firma. There is nothing that he cannot do and do better, nothing he does not know and know more about, than any other member of the world’s vast population - from feats of great strength and athleticism to brain-bending mathematical equations and advanced scientific formulas, from arresting arias to enchanting entrechat, from acts of unmatched kindness, empathy and generosity to an unparalleled sexual desirability, prowess and proficiency.

His genitalia is the thing of myth, story and song; his brain, a wondrous instrument of enlightenment, wisdom and remarkable prescience; his physicality of a kind previously thought only possible from a child of Krypton. As mere mortals, we can but bow to such superiority and count ourselves more than fortunate to exist at this same moment in humankind’s development as this great, nay, greatest, of all men, the pinnacle of human evolution and achievement.  Technically, a homosapien by genus, this individual known as “The Donald” is truly more god than man - just ask him.

Ditto - although this time, it's Johnny Depp!
Intelligent and discerning readers, very likely, you are doubtful of the integrity and validity of the prior paragraphs, as well you should be. To substantiate your sensible and insightful judgment and to further demonstrate the insane level of ludicrousness in the self-serving claims of omnipotence by this master of massive egotism, we will present a series of actual Trump quotes, boasting and bragging of his many skills and abilities, along with equally ridiculous flights of fancy concocted by the one-man-strong writing staff, here at “… and several butcher’s aprons.” Your mission, is to discern the factual from the fictional and, upon doing so, the truth shall unspool like a Melania Trump, black and white, 8 millimeter stag film.

Modest Musings of a Humble Man

Christian Theology
“Nobody reads the Bible more than me.”

“Nobody reads the Avesta more than me.”

“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.”

Martinizing (1 hour)
“Nobody, nobody can dry clean like me. (affects offensive Asian accent) I beat the Chinese laundry, I beat the Koreans. The Koreans love me, I’m very big with the Koreans. They say they never heard anybody, not anybody, that includes Josh Groban, you know the Jews love me too, karaoke as good as me. They love me.”

“I give a lot of money away to charities and other things. I think I’m actually a very nice person.”

Interior Design
“I’ve got the best eye for coordinating patterns in history, I’m not bragging, it’s been tested. Ask the gays. The gays love me, believe me.”

“I know words, I have the best words.”

“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.”

Body Building
“Look, my body happens to be the male ideal, perfectly proportioned, with the lowest fat to muscle ratio recorded since the dawn of man. Nobody has glutes like me, nobody.”

Job Creation
“I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.”

“I’m to the skin what Seurat was to the canvas, but more manly.”

Race Relations
"I've always had a great relationship with the blacks."

Family Values
“I’ve always wanted a great relationship with my daughter.”

"My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it!”

Sous-Chef de Cuisine
“You taste my crepes suzette, you’re genuflecting in worship. I make the world’s best crepe suzette, I’m not telling you anything new.”

“Nobody would be tougher on ISIS than Donald Trump. Nobody.”

Avoiding Participation in Warfare
“I make deals.”

“I don't have to brag. I don't have to, believe it or not.” – Donald J. Trump

We conclude with the John Lennon composition quoted above, performed by Ringo Starr, from the great album Ringo, “I’m the Greatest.”

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

Puppet Man - Trump Makes America Hate Again

“Baby, baby you know it's true
I'm a puppet just for you
I'll do anything you say
I won't have it any other way

Take my heart and take my soul
Giving you complete control
If you wanna see me do my thing
Pull my string” – Howard Greenfield

Donald Trump – the very stuff of Grand Guignol, an evil puppet master manipulating the minds of those who can’t think for themselves. He harnesses the hate of the portion of our population who wax nostalgically for the good old days when women were barefoot and pregnant and African Americans, in chains. He’s exposed a shamefully sizeable contingent of bigots who are Americans only by accident of birth and are not, in any way, beholden to our beliefs or values.

On this vast, diverse, soon to be flooded, big blue marble that we ride in orbit around the sun, where often it seems difficult to find two human beings who will willingly agree on the day of the week or what hue the sky may be, most of the earthbound multitude can come to consensus on this pair of facts – what the world needs now is love sweet love, and what the world definitely doesn’t need now is any additional verbiage wasted on the vile, viperous vulgarity that is Donald Trump. And yet, here we are addressing this appallingly, overly-addressed and tedious topic once more. But this, dissertation of the disgusting, is less a questioning of a thoroughly worthless, pointless, vainglorious, revolting, and cowardly half man, half can of industrial strength Aqua Net, and more of an expression of bewilderment on the curious and irrational notion that any individual, not dropped on his or her noggin 675 or so times, could inexplicably perceive some value or virtue in a person where clearly none has ever existed.

Trump supporters gathered outside of a recent rally

Here's the sad truth we have to face as Americans, Trump is not the problem. He has not at all hidden what a repulsive, racist, hate-filled person he is; rather he celebrates his egotistic vulgarity. Unfortunately and bizarrely, millions of others do as well, millions that he insults and disparages daily, hence our serious dilemma, an America that happily embraces the Stockholm Syndrome. When an openly vile person ridicules the disabled, denigrates POWs, veterans, immigrants and minorities, un-Constitutionally wishes to ban a religion from a nation founded on freedom of religion, says of women, “You have to treat ‘em like s**t,” runs a policy free campaign built solely on schoolyard name calling, invented facts, and lies; and millions of Americans still support him, he is not the problem, they are. Hopefully, Trump will go away soon enough, but the ugly loathing, discrimination and profound ignorance displayed by his supporters will remain, and now that this perilous Pandora’s Box has been breached, now that the extreme Right Wing (the GOP) has deemed it not only acceptable, but preferable and patriotic to provoke violence and hatred toward anyone different than oneself; with ignorance and lies seen as virtues, and knowledge and truth, vices, these bottom-feeders will just champion the next mini-Pol Pot who follows in the Donald's slimy tracks.

 “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves”…” – William Shakespeare

Sadly, this unseemly Trumpeting love-fest is not just exhibited among the uneducated, unaware and unwashed Fox-followers and Palin-partisans. This has been a presidential campaign completely promoted, nurtured, aided and abetted by a media anxious to ensure that every breath he takes, every move he makes, every bond he breaks, every step he takes, we’ll be watching him. MSNBC, the supposedly liberal-leaner, has consistently been among the most shameful of an embarrassing lot of equal-time ignorers.  Whether its Fawning Joe caught on a hot mic agreeing to Trump’s gutless request to only field softball questions, or Chris “Two Face” Matthews, nightly introducing Trump clips using language of condemnation and denunciation, and then returning on camera, red-faced and giggling like a smitten school girl who just witnessed a Justin Bieber nipple slip. Donald has made Matthews’ pants fit just a wee bit snugger since his presidential aspirations were first announced, and in appreciation of the pleasure, Chris has provided more free airtime for this Neanderthal than UHF channels gave to the Catholic Archdiocese on early Sunday morns.

"God bless you. You make me feel brand new.

“I’ve only myself to blame!
What good would it do
To blame someone who
Depended on you, to be fair” – Redd Evans

America is a great country, but even great things have flaws. Trump and his loyal lemmings represent everything that is wrong with our nation - the greed, the ignorance, the narcissism, the bigotry, the anger, the divisiveness, the intolerance – those negative qualities that we must and can overcome as we progress, to fulfill our founders’ dream of a more perfect union. This man, who says he wants to make America great again, is anathema to everything that makes America great.

Civilization following a Trump presidency
But, we’ve only ourselves to blame. We, the people, we, the astonishingly stupid people, created this monster, and like the good townsfolk gathered outside the walls of Victor Frankenstein’s castle, it’s time to gather our torches, our pitchforks, and our hanging chads and we, the people, must now destroy this obscenity before it’s too late.

Our sworn duty

To close on a much more pleasant note or two, presenting a double-header of timeless tunes from a pair of classy and classic artists – Nat King Cole brings us “I’ve Only Myself to Blame,” followed by the 5th Dimension with “Puppet Man.”

Any comments, questions, criticisms, candid confessions, cash contributions?  Contact me at butchersaprons@mail.com.