Tuesday, July 19, 2011

La Cage Aux Fools: The Bachmanns of Beltway

"Life's not worth a damn,

'Til you can say, 'Hey world, I am what I am.'” - Jerry Herman

Due to mature subject matter parental discretion is advised
- “bad boys, bad boys, whatcha’ gonna’ do when they come for you…” (sorry)

Now that she has trademarked her, oh so, winsome and poetic moniker for entertainment purposes, it appears quite clear that the Wicked Witch of Wasilla will not be tossing her dunce cap into the ring to contend for the highest office in the land. And so, as her miniscule thought capacities and tendency to regularly abandon every endeavor she undertakes has made Sarah Palin as joyously irrelevant as a Playboy magazine in Marcus Bachmann’s library (foreshadowing) “…and several butcher’s aprons,“ bids the future Vanna White “letter turner” successor, and forgotten Trivial Pursuit answer, a not particularly fond farewell, for it is time that those of us with lefty-leanings turn our negative attentions away from the Clampetts of the 49th state and toward some of the more germane conservative Republican nut jobs - consider this just the first of a long series. As we voluntarily discard the easy Palin punch line, the gods of comedy have been gloriously generous and have gifted us with the farcical goldmine that is the Liza Minnelli and Peter Allen of politics - Michele and Marcus Bachmann. Today we predominantly concentrate on Dr. Marcus, but stayed tuned - as Michele’s behavior could overload a Kindle’s worth of abnormal psychology tomes - a return engagement is guaranteed.

Current popular scuttlebutt, rapidly racing through the internet tubes, is that Marcus Bachmann, virulent anti-homosexual crusader and gay-curer, (yes, that’s correct, he claims to cure male homosexuals of their debilitating, vagina-less ways) is, in fact, actually gay himself. Shocking – how often does this happen? - In the anti-gay Republican party, about once a week. While the true nature of Dr. Bachmann’s sexual orientation is obviously only known to Marcus, Michele and the Native American from the Village People, such prominent behavioral scientists and sociologists as Cheryl Sarkisian LaPiere Bono Allman (Cher) have tweeted on this critical, crucial and consequential issue -

@Cher: “Boys I’m not kidding ! I’m listening 2 this >%~€¥^<<&&&& I’m thinking GAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAY Without Style !“

There you have it, with such irrefutable evidence, why not join in on the unsubstantiated fun at the expense of an odious individual who, after all, very much deserves to be ridiculed for his bigoted, repressive and hateful ways? Has Marcus Bachmann joined the ever-growing list of self-loathing, closeted, Republican homosexuals who fervidly proselytize in favor of “family values,” but against liberty, freedom and equality for homosexuals, and then inevitably wind up embroiled in gay sex scandals? Will the honor roll of Rep. Mark “Get a ruler and measure it for me” Foley, Evangelical leader and George W. advisor Ted “chicken hawk” Haggard, Sen. Larry “toilet two-step” Craig and Rep. Bob “the solicitor” Allen (anti-sexual-equality, conservative Republicans, one and all) be joined by Marcus “bark like a dog” Bachmann - and how soon, then, before the traditional and obligatory airport men’s room arrest?

Dr. Bachmann, (more about that title later) operates a Christian-based counseling center in Minnesota whose main purpose it to “un-gay” the “sinful“ “barbarians.”
“We have to understand: barbarians need to be educated. They need to be disciplined. Just because someone feels it or thinks it doesn’t mean that we are supposed to go down that road. That’s what is called the sinful nature.”

Interestingly, the good doctor is not registered with any of the three boards that certify mental health practitioners and professions in Minnesota. So, overzealous zealot “doctor” might this be a stereotypical case of “me thinks thou doth protest too much?” May I be so bold as to say, “physician heal thyself?” Though again, we must be careful of stereotypes- just because RuPaul has declared Bachmann’s demeanor “needlessly flamboyant,” doesn’t necessarily explain why only 5 of their 28 children are biological. The rumor that up until their wedding night Marcus believed Michele to be a man with a frou-frou, pretentious, French-sounding name is only internet fodder. And the fact that he’s been known to experience gut-wrenching nausea and severe vertigo, while dissolving into a pool of acrid, bitter tears, accompanied by convulsive, ear-splitting sobs, when sharing the sacred marriage bed with Mrs. Bachmann - is a perfectly understandable reaction when one considers with whom he's carnally cavorting.

Obviously, as to the true nature of their marriage they deserve the respect and consideration to be taken at their word. Their relationship is private and something that is really between themselves and this strange form of Christianity that they’ve invented that preaches bigotry, intolerance and hatred and has no actual connection to the teachings of Jesus Christ.
But alas, because of Bachmann’s very public and very destructive prejudice, and his hurtful campaign against homosexuals, unfortunately, he really deserves no such respect or consideration. The scorn, ridicule and glut of easy jokes currently directed at Bachmann are textbook “reaping what you sew.” Politically, if Michele Bachmann’s Evangelical and reactionary-right supporters thought that the mister might be gay, they’d drop her like Marcus dropping the garter at a wedding reception. So is it fair in this modern, tolerant, just and more open-minded time; when such great strides have been made toward equality and acceptance to suggest that if the Bachmanns make the historic leap to the White House, the country will not only have its first female president, but also its first queen? In this case it’s like the warranted shooting of hateful, hypocritical halibut in a barrel. So look, I’m not saying he’s ridden more poles than the Warsaw piggyback team. I’d never imply he’s smoked more pipe than contestants in a Bing Crosby look-alike contest. I’m not sure if he’s had more hot sausage than revelers at the San Gennaro Festival, more tools in his shed than Bob Vila, charmed more snakes than a swami, launched more rockets than NASA, tooted more horns than Herb Alpert or attracted more flies than an open jar of honey at a corporate picnic, but I do know that he and his wife support a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage and that they have referred to homosexuality as “sinful” and as “part of Satan” and something that needs to be prayed away.

Marcus, be gay. Be straight. Be bi. Be transgender. Bewitch, bother and bewilder. Be whatever you are, or whatever you want to pretend to be. Just don’t hurt others, you don’t have that right.

And now, downloaded directly from Marcus Bachmann’s iTunes library, from the score of La Cage Aux Folles - I Am What I Am.